Afraid To Ask

Sometime last year I heard a sermon on Luke 11, Jesus' teaching on prayer. At the time it was intriguing and thought provoking, but it is even more so as of late. Chapter 11 of Luke opens with the disciples asking Jesus to teach them to pray. Jesus responds with what we typically call the Lord's Prayer. He then goes on to tell a parable about a man who goes to a friends' door at midnight and ask for three loaves of bread because he has nothing to set before a visiting friend has come from a long journey. The friend tells the man to go away because his household is shut up for the night, but the man is persistent and bold, so the friend gets up and gives him as much as he needs. Jesus then says:

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Persistent, desperate, bold, dependent--that is Jesus' description of what a believer's prayer towards God should be. Just like the man got up to give his friend as much as he needs, Jesus promises that what is asked for will be given.

I am pretty good at asking God for what I think I need. Honestly, I would say the majority of my prayers revolve around asking the Lord for a variety of needs for myself or others. It isn't the asking that I struggle with, its the answering. Jesus said, what is asked for will be given, but sometimes I don't get what I ask for. This may be because what I am asking for is not in God's will (Jonah 4:3, 1 Kings 19:4, Mark 10:34-45). It may be because I ask with the wrong motives as James 4:3 describes. After all, my "heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure" Jeremiah 17:9. It could be because there is sin in my life (Isaiah 59:2). Whatever the reason, the truth is I don't always get what I ask for. Knowing that, sometimes I fear answers. I fear I won't like them. I fear they won't make me happy. I fear God's will might be something I don't want or even worse, something I hate. Surely, what I want is best . . . right?

Luke 11 goes on to say:

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I've never been a parent before, but I've been told by numerous parents how much they desire their children's happiness. If it is in their power to influence the happiness and satisfaction of their children they will do so. God is not any different, in fact, He desires His children's satisfaction even more because of His perfect holiness. He does not desire to give that which would bring harm, such as a snake or scorpion. He wants what is best for His children. He gives good gifts. James 1:17 says, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." Psalms 84:11 says, "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

Sometimes I think what I want is best, but sometimes, maybe, I am unknowingly asking for a scorpion or a snake? I get caught up in thinking what I am asking for is what will make me happiest. I can't imagine there being anything else that could be better. So I fear--in pride, in ignorance, in lack of trust. While I may not be able to comprehend it or imagine it, God has a better gift. He wants the best for me, but it may not be what I think is best. I should not fear God's answer, because it is going to bring me good, not harm. It is going to be in my best interest. It is going to make me happiest. I must trust in His goodness and love for me. I must keep on asking--persistent, desperate, bold, dependent.

He Gives And Takes Away

It was a late summer sunrise. The kind where you just begin to feel the coolness of fall in the dampness of the air, yet the rising sun warms your skin. I was headed out for an early morning run before heading off to work at dispatch. As I began my run I tried to focus my thoughts towards prayer, but as always my mind wandered off in other directions. Somewhere between contemplating life and praying I was struck clearly with this thought: the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I have no idea where it came from, because I don't recall having been reading through Job in which verse 1:21 says,

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

All I know is that I couldn't ignore the thought in my mind. It was there definite, intense, and unshakeable. So I began to wonder, is the Lord trying to tell me something? What could he possibly take from my life? Thousands of possibilities ran through my mind--family, my last year of college, friends, finances? I had no clue. Maybe it wasn't about what the Lord might take from me though. . .

The story of Job has always been puzzling and fascinating to me. It is unique in that it allows us a glimpse into interactions between God and Satan. In addition, it shows Satan's influence and work on earth. The very first verse of the book introduces Job as a man who "was blameless and upright; [who] feared God and shunned evil." Job is also described as having "seven sons, three daughters, seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East." As the story goes, God leaves everything Job has to Satan's discretion. In one day Job's sons and daughters die, his servants are killed, his fields burn up, and his livestock are carried off by raiding parties. One day, all of his worldly possessions gone. However, this is how the blameless and upright man who feared God responded:

"Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.' In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." Job 1:20-22

In a moment of extreme loss and intense grief Job worshiped God. Pretty amazing, but it gets even crazier! God then leaves Job's personal health at Satan's discretion and so Satan afflicted Job with sores that covered his entire body. Job's wife told him to curse God and die, but Job replied:

 "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 1:10

Job's entire life was destroyed, miserable, empty. The people he loved, the things he had worked for, his own comfort, were taken in a moment, gone forever. He mourned tearing his robes and shaving his head, but he did not give into the bitterness. He refused to blame God for wrongdoing. Instead he chose to recognize God's sovereignty. 

Many times since last summer I have thought about Job's response and it never ceases to amaze me. When I line up the trials I'm experiencing to those around me, or to the story of Job,  they seem so small. I try to imagine how I would respond if I just lost one of those things, say a loved one. Would I fall down in worship? If I lost my health, say the use of my legs, would I recognize God's sovereignty? If I found myself living in a rundown house or out on the street, would I blame God for wrongdoing? Would I give into bitterness? Could I have the same attitude as Job?

Maybe that morning last summer wasn't about what God might take from me. Maybe it was about the position of my heart. Perhaps God was reminding me of His sovereignty, gently pointing out that I was still trying to direct or hold on to certain parts of my life. I think it was a small tugging on my heart to evaluate my life, to surrender, to truly, completely submit to God's sovereignty. Unfortunately, the last year has been painful as I slowly learn to surrender and accept God's will. Ironically, this verse hit me again this summer, just like last summer. Apparently, the Lord is prompting me to submit even more. I am challenged by Job to accept God's sovereignty in the midst of suffering, to worship the Lord whether I am experiencing good or trouble.

"The Lord does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths." Psalm 135:6

Who understands?

A couple years ago I was reading through Proverbs and came across Proverbs 14:10 which says:

"Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy."

Up to that point in my life I had not experienced the trials which cause true anguish to one's soul. The older I grow, the more I experience life's difficult and painful times. I have seen painful and seemingly unfair sorrows burden my friends. I myself have been pained. As I try to comfort those around me and others try to comfort me I am struck with the reality of this verse. No matter how much effort a person extends one can never truly understand the pain of another heart. I have tried. I can imagine, I can place myself in the other person's shoes, I can hurt for them, but I can never know their sorrow and bitterness. There is no one who understands. No one except our Heavenly Father.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord." Psalm 139: 1-4

God knows man better than he knows himself because God created man. God knows my thoughts and before I even speak He knows what I am going to say. He truly knows me, which means he fully understands my pain. He doesn't have to imagine or try to put Himself in my shoes. Who understands? God understands.

 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Ps.139:23

A Golden Calf

A few days ago I read the story of the golden calf the Israelites had Aaron make when Moses was up on Mt. Sinai. In short it goes something like this:

Three months after the Israelites left Egypt they came to the base of Mt. Sinai. On the third day, as God had commanded, the people came forth purified to meet God at the foot of the mountain. God spoke to Moses alone on the mountain and gave him many commands, including the Ten Commandments forbidding idols. Moses returned to the people repeating everything the Lord had told him and the people said, "We will do everything the Lord has said; we will obey." Moses then returned to the mountain leaving the elders, Aaron, and Hur in charge telling them to wait for his return. Moses was up on the mountain for forty days and forty nights. During that time the Israelites became impatient and said to Aaron, "Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don't know what has happened to him" (Exodus 32:1).  So Aaron had the people give him their gold and he made an idol cast in the shape of a calf. The people claimed it was the god who brought them out of Egypt and Aaron declared the following day their would be a festival to the Lord.

At first when I read this I thought, seriously Aaron?  I wanted to tell the Israelites, um, didn't God just tell you that you are supposed to have no other gods before him? It had not even been that long since God had released them from their bondage in Egypt. How quickly they forgot what God had done for them! Forty days before they were trembling in fear as they gazed upon the lightning, thunder, and smoking mountain. Where was that fear when they ate, drank, and got up to indulge in revelry? They had told the Lord they would obey him, yet they disobeyed his very first commandment.

As I was pondering all these thoughts, it suddenly struck me that I am similar to the Israelites. No, I have not been released from physical bondage or seen the Red Sea parted or received water from a rock. However, the Lord has worked in my life, displaying his glory, showing me He is going before me as a protector and provider. The Israelites promised to obey God and well, I have too, the day I gave my life to Him. The Isrealites grew impatient waiting for Moses, waiting for God. They failed to trust God, not remembering who He was, what He had done for them, and what He had commanded them. Hmm.

Who am I to judge the Israelites when I act the same way they do? I am so impatient in my life sometimes. I have been impatient in provision for jobs, finances, and relationships. I have been impatient in prayer wanting an answer immediately. I have been impatient in trials wishing them to be over. I fail to trust God's timing, forgetting what He has done for me, who Scripture says He is, and what He has commanded me to do. I may not cast a golden calf, but I do disobey doing what I think is best in my impatience, trusting myself. I try to provide for my own needs, but I am not very good at it. Only God is the true protector, provider, and fully trustworthy.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14

Understanding I Won't Understand

This summer I had plans for my life. I am always making plans for my life and trying to figure out how to achieve them. I find security in knowing what is ahead. I find motivation in working towards goals. I find comfort in having reasons for what I do. Sometimes my plans happen and sometimes they don't. This summer my plans didn't happen. I keep asking why? I don't understand. God heard me and he reminded me of this:

"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." Jeremiah 10:23

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

"A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?" Proverbs 20:24

My life is not my own, it is completely God's. He is the one who gives me every breath. No matter how hard I try, my plans will only happen if it God's will. The Lord's purpose will ultimately take place regardless of what I plan. I won't understand my steps, because God is directing them.

My life is a puzzle and I'm holding a puzzle piece that doesn't quite make sense, it doesn't match my other puzzle pieces. I can't figure out why I have it or where it belongs. . . but God, He is looking at the picture on the front of the box. He knows exactly where that puzzle piece goes and how it is the only piece that will fit perfectly into the puzzle. He sees how it connects to both the pieces that are already put together and the pieces still left in the box.  Its hard when all I see is a puzzle piece I don't understand. When I can't look at the picture on the front of the box. My only option is to trust the One who can see that picture. To trust the piece I'm holding is necessary to finishing that puzzle and it does fit in perfectly.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

A Memory Revived

When I was a little girl, my dad use to tuck my siblings and I into bed every night. Sometimes he would give us horse-y rides to the bedroom and sometimes if we talked real sweet he would read us a bed time story like the Little Gingerbread Man or sing us to sleep. However, one thing that never failed to happen before he kissed us goodnight was prayers. Some nights we would each pray and other nights we would say a prayer together, like the Lord's prayer. One passage of scripture that we prayed occasionally was Psalm 23.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and  your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will well in the house of the Lord forever. "

This was one of the first passages of Scripture I memorized and I could almost say it in my sleep. This summer, it has taken on a whole new meaning to me though. Never have I considered its words to be so comforting and precious. It speaks of who God is, what He does, who I am, and what my response should be. 

God is my shepherd, the one who watches over me, over all my life and needs. He guides me to green pastures and quiet waters--good things. He does these things, not just for me, but for His glory. God is looking out for my best interest, fulfilling my needs, and guiding me to good things. While this is true, it doesn't mean my life will be void of troubles. Even though I experience troubles--the valley of the shadow of death--I do not have to fear anything. God has made me lie down in green pastures, and lead me to quiet waters. I already see that He is good and trustworthy. Thus, I don't have to fear. God is with me, using His rod and staff. As a shepherd He uses His rod and staff to guide and protect me. I find comfort knowing that even though I walk through trouble, God is guiding and protecting me. If He is watching out for me I have nothing to fear, no evil.

I must admit I feel as if I have walked through a valley of the shadow of death or two in my life. When I'm there it is awful, it is painful, it is scary. Sometimes it seems like more than I can handle. I search for ways to forget, to alleviate my pain, to comfort myself. The world offers a variety of options like alcohol, drugs, violence, medications, relationships, cutting . . . The truth is though, none of those will take away the pain or bring the comfort they promise. They only make the valley floor deeper and the mountains steeper. What brings comfort and removes fear is God the shepherd, His rod and staff. He is there in every valley of the shadow of death I walk through, guiding me, protecting me. He is saying to me:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I can cast all of my cares on God (Psalm 55:22) because he is " [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, therefore [I] will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging" (Psalm 46:1-2).

No matter how dark or big the valley of the shadow of death may be God is with me. He is guiding me and protecting me as my shepherd. He desires to bring me to green pastures and still waters. So in my valley I won't turn to what the world has to offer, I will turn to God. He is right there, He hasn't left me. Oh, what a wonderful Shepherd I have!

God's path is not always the short path

This summer I have been reading through the beginning of the Old Testament and have been captivated by some of the stories. One story in particular which intrigued me was of the Israelites trek out of Egypt.

"When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led the people around by the dessert road toward the Red Sea. The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle." Exodus 13:17-18

After reading this passage I was confused. If the Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle wouldn't they have been expecting a military confrontation? So why did God say if they face war they would change their minds and return to Egypt? Even the other path God led the people on had a military confrontation, Pharaoh changed his mind and pursued the Israelites with his entire army (Exodus 14:8-9). The people ended up wanting to return to Egypt anyways saying "It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert?" So why did God not just lead them on the shortest path?

As I pondered these questions I couldn't really come up with any solid answers, except God knew best. Perhaps the shorter route would have led them into a bigger army than Pharaoh's army? Perhaps "armed for battle" means an organized march, not ready for military confrontation with armor, bows, or arrows (Bible Knowledge Commentary)? Perhaps God knew that the story of the Red Sea would leave the Israelites no room for thinking they had any part in saving themselves from the Egyptians? Perhaps God knew his miraculous parting of the sea would glorify Him more than simply giving victory in a battle? Perhaps God knew the crossing of the Red Sea would be a monumental memory testifying to His power that would be passed down from generation to generation and recorded in Scripture? Perhaps God knew the long path through the Red Sea and desert held necessary lessons for the Israelites to learn? Perhaps God knew the long path would cause the Israelites to fully rely on Him for everything including their very food and water? Perhaps God knew the long path would display His glory and character? Perhaps God knew the trials in the desert would display His continued faithfulness? Perhaps God knew the long path would teach not only the Israelites, but future generations up to a young 22 year old woman in the year 2011? Perhaps God knew best?

I like the short paths in life. They make the most sense to me, I understand them, I know why I am taking them. I'm learning though that God's path is not always the shortest path. I'm learning perhaps God knows the short path has something I cannot handle on it. I may think I am armed for battle or prepared, but God knows I am not. Or maybe when I take the short path I struggle with thinking it is "me," and I begin to be self-reliant. Maybe the short path, does not bear the trials which God is going to use to teach me. Perhaps the short path does not bring as much glory to God as the long path? God knew best in taking the Israelites on the long path, and I trust the same is true for me. I can't question God when He turns me around from the short path to a longer one, I must trust He knows best.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6