Even More

Today was one of those days where I found myself asking God for wisdom. In fact, I have been asking for wisdom a lot recently. It has almost become a ritual done without thought.  The last two weeks I have been challenged, to my very core, by Job 28. The words in this passage were spoken by a righteous man named Job at a point of extreme loss and suffering in his life. Job’s words on wisdom, stated in the midst of confusing events, are reminding me of what asking for wisdom really means.

According to Job, asking for wisdom is somewhat like searching for earthly valuables.  The search for these earthly valuables—gold, iron, copper, ore—takes man deep into the dark recesses of the earth. It takes him to “places forgotten by the foot of man,” (v. 4) places unknown to the birds and proud beasts. It is hard work. Man must “[assault] the flinty rock and [lay] bare the roots of the mountains” (v.9) to find these earthly valuables. The search is intentional, purposeful, and difficult.  Yet, deemed worthy of effort when the earthly valuable is uncovered.

Like earthly valuables, Job recognizes man does not know where wisdom dwells or where it can be found. It too is “hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air” (v. 21). It is not in the deep, it is not in the sea. Although hidden like earthly valuables, Job sets wisdom apart by assigning it greater worth. Job says wisdom, “cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver . . . . neither gold nor crystal can compare with it . . . the price of wisdom is beyond rubies” (v.15-18). Four times he states wisdom cannot be compared with or bought with the finest gold. Job knows there is no price on wisdom.

Job also knows man “does not comprehend [wisdom’s] worth” (v. 13). If man understood wisdom was worth even more than earth's greatest valuables, would he not search for it even more intently than those? Would he not be deem it worthy of even more effort despite difficulties? Would he not be even more purposeful in his searching?

Ugh. I am challenged all over again writing this!

If I understood wisdom’s worth . . . IF . . . where would my search begin? Quotes by famous philosophers or stars? A magazine with “101 wise choices”? My friends? My family? The next “7 traits of wise people” article shared on my Facebook newsfeed? My favorite song lyrics? I have to admit I am searching all over this earth for something not of this earth. Job said,

“God understands the way to [wisdom] and he alone knows where it dwells for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. When he established the force of the wind and measured out the waters, when he made a decree for the rain and a path for the thunderstorm, then he looked at wisdom and appraised it; he confirmed it and tested it. And he said to man, ‘the fear of the Lord—that is wisdom. And to shun evil is understanding.’” Job 28:23-28

My search starts with God. To fear him I must know him. To know him I must seek him and shun evil.

I ask for wisdom from God a lot, but I forget that I have a role to search for it. Searching for wisdom is not natural. It requires going to places forgotten by the foot of man. It requires assaulting the flinty rock. It requires being intentional and purposeful. It requires time. It is difficult. Yet, worthy of the effort for it is more valuable than anything I could possibly comprehend. Practically, my search could mean going to God in prayer before going to a friend with my latest decision conundrum.  Perhaps, it might look like taking those five minutes of scrolling through Facebook to memorize a truth of scripture instead. Maybe, it means scheduling quiet time with God on my calendar like I would a date with a friend. My search might mean making different media or entertainment choices. It might even change how I spend my time.

It is going to cost. Valuable things always cost, but “wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost ALL you have, get understanding” Proverbs 4:7. No sacrifice is too great.

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In the Boat

The air is cool and the sound of my feet striding on the gravel is loud to the awakening world. I went running to clear my head, to get away, to think. It's October. It's fall, a new season. Summer has been sweet, sweeter than I could have ever imagined. There was no big event or special occasion that made it so sweet, it was just the small moments. Moments like exploring a skyline forest road with my parents, picking huckleberries on a warm afternoon, working out with my mom, having heart to heart conversations with my grandparents, running (literally) to the store for cabbage with my sister, canoeing the Deschutes river with my family, biking in the cool summer air, riding in the wheat truck with my dad, going to the drive-in, playing volleyball in the backyard, picking raspberries with my grandma in her garden . . . . I have felt blessed beyond words for these moments. Yet, as the leaves begin to change I feel a change in my life as well. I need to make some decisions. On my run, I remembered a passage I read this last spring about the calling of the first disciples (Luke 5:1-11). It seemed just as relevant to me on my run as it did four months ago in Jakarta.

The passage starts off with Jesus standing by the Lake of Gennesaret with people crowding around him "listening to the word of God." By the shore, Simon, a fisherman, was washing his nets. Jesus sees Simon's empty boat, gets in and asks Simon to put out a little from the shore. Then Jesus continues teaching the crowd from the boat. When I read this I saw Simon. He willingly submitted his belonging (boat) and followed Jesus' request. Simon didn't let his work, the washing of his nets, stop him from helping or listening to Jesus. He put himself in a position to hear the word of God by taking Jesus out in the boat. Simon was  front and center listening to Jesus teach. He would have heard everything.

After he finishes teaching, Jesus makes a another request asking Simon to "Put out into deep water and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answers by calling Jesus "Master." I haven't studied this word, but it seems as if Simon is recognizing Jesus' authority. He also responds to Jesus' request answering, "because you say so." Simon was the fisherman, not Jesus. It was his occupation, his skill, his livelihood. Yet, Simon submits any prideful thoughts or motivations his has and does what Jesus asks. He does this even though the request was somewhat illogical and outside of the normal. I don't believe it is coincidence that Simon submits and recognizes Jesus' authority after hearing him teach!

When Simon lets down his nets, he catches more fish than his boat could carry, more than even two boats could carry. Simon stepped out in obedience, even though it was illogical, and Jesus followed through. If he had allowed his prideful thinking to win out, trusting in his own knowledge and understanding of the world, he wouldn't have experienced Jesus' power and authority. Simon ends up falling at Jesus' knee saying, "Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man!" Once again, Simon refers to Jesus with a term of authority. He is so in awe of who Jesus is he doesn't even feel worthy to remain in his presence! In kneeling, Simon physically demonstrates his position in relationship to Jesus.

It is at this moment Jesus tells Simon not to be afraid. Jesus did not display his power and authority to frighten Simon, but to call him. Simon could not have left everything if he did not first understand his position in relationship to Jesus. He had to be humble. He had to understand just how small he was and how big Jesus was. When Simon understood this he left everything willingly! His job, the fish he had just caught, nothing got in his way. Jesus had to become everything to Simon before he was willing to do anything.

As I look to make decisions and to follow Christ I realize I must be guided by these truths. To follow Christ's calling in my life I must:

1. Put myself in a position to hear the word of God
2. Lay down my pride and submit (belongings, thinking, and actions)
3. Step out in faith believing in who God is and his promises
4. Elevate God and humble myself

I need to place myself in a position to hear from God's word. Not from the crowd, but from the boat, like Simon. I need to stop washing my nets and get in the boat. It is only then that I will realize who God is and who I am. It is only then I will be able to follow him. Even though I am not in Jakarta, I would appreciate your prayers! 

New Year, New Me

It's been two weeks, how are you doing on those New Year's resolutions? Do you find yourself losing determination? Lacking the motivation to carry out what you felt so strongly about just fourteen days ago? Or perhaps you are doing AWESOME because you didn't even make resolutions!

Lots of people choose not to make New Year's resolutions, they don't believe in them. Resolutions are seen as a waste of time and effort because the majority of them fail. Supposedly, a mere 8% of people successfully achieve their resolution (1). So then, if you can't keep it, why make it, right? Some are even suggesting that New Year's resolutions are bad for you because they damage your self-worth:

"If your New Year’s resolution is to eat less, but you have no plan in place — or even if you do have a plan and you fail — you will do damage to your sense of self-worth. If you already have a complicated relationship with food, your likely coping mechanism for failure is eating more food. Thus the New Year’s resolution to eat less can actually result in your eating more. " Jessica Lamb-Shapiro

It is true, nothing magical happens from December 31 to January 1, you are still the same person and because of this many people struggle. New Year's resolutions often fail because the changes desired are too abrupt, or too large (2). You start off the new year strong but as time passes your resolve weakens and soon you've failed. Due to this you may think you are weak, lacking in self-control. Next time, if you just try harder, if you just have more will power then you won't fail. After all, "where there's a will there's a way"...or is there?

In her book, Idols of the Heart Learning to Long for God Alone, Elyse Fitzpatrick addresses the topic of our wills and why our actions fail to meet our words.

"The difference between what we say and what we do is not because of our wills per se. Our wills are functioning the way they were meant to. The contradiction is between our words and our strongest desires. Our wills follow after the erroneous thoughts and sinful desires we delight in."

Our will is not broken. Quite the opposite is true, it is working in top notch condition choosing our strongest thoughts and desires. In fact, our will reveals what we believe will bring us the most happiness. It shows us what is going on in our mind (thoughts and beliefs) and in our heart (longings and desires).

"As you see, the problem is not that we need to develop more willpower. The problem is that we need new thoughts, new inclinations, and new desires. We don't need to learn how to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps or "gut it out." We need to seek to replace our sinful passions with holy ones. When God grants these new holy passions to us, we'll find that our will, which seemed so weak before, will joyfully comply." Elyse Fitzpatrick

Trying harder is not the solution to achieving your New Year's resolutions. It's not about fixing your will; its about fixing your beliefs, your affections, your mind. When your thinking changes your choices will change. This is what Paul discusses in Romans. He said, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" (Romans 8:5). He goes on to say, "Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is" (Romans 12:2). Living out the Spirit's desires, God's will, requires that the mind is renewed.

So how do we go about renewing our mind and changing our desires? I mean, it seems impossible that I could stop desiring chocolate. Well, Psalm 1 says a man does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers, because he delights in the law of the Lord and he meditates on it day and night. Psalm 119:11 says "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." It seems that what we fill our mind with will shape what we believe and desire. This is why we are encouraged to "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5) and replace it with what is true, nobel, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). It is truth that will set us free (John 8:32), renewing our mind and desires, to change our behavior.

Personally, I like New Year's resolutions. I think we are naturally wired for beginnings. There is a beginning every day with a sunrise, a beginning in all of the Mondays we dread, and after winter a thousand beginnings as the earth awakens. As Christians, we had a new beginning in Christ, the old life was gone and the new had come (2 Corinthians 5:17). Some day we will even have a new heaven and a new earth (Isaiah 65:17). Beginnings bring hope, thus its good for us to begin again each year with resolutions. After all, "if you aim at nothing you are sure to hit it."

With the first couple weeks of the year behind us, its only going to get more difficult to keep our resolutions. The majority of us will probably experience failure to some extent, but before we think, "If I just try harder..." or blame our will power, lets ask ourselves what we are thinking. What have we been filling our mind with lately?

Resources:
1. http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/
2. http://www.healthline.com/health-news/fitness-why-most-new-years-resolutions-fail-010214
3. Idols of the Heart Learning to Long for God Alone, Elyse Fitzpatrick
4. http://www.desiringgod.org/sermons/the-renewed-mind-and-how-to-have-it
5. http://www.khouse.org/articles/1996/277/
6. http://www.khouse.org/articles/1996/278/



 

Sacrifice

It is loud. It is busy. Blood, warm and fresh, pools on the ground around bare feet. Children push to the front, standing on the fence, straining to get a better view of the slaughtering. The men's hands move methodically, quickly stripping each animal of its hide before moving on. The bull chewing cud in the corner is next, restrained with ropes its life is brought to an end. Its blood poured out. This is the courtyard of the mosque, the sacrifices of the Muslim holiday Idul Adha. It is how Muslim's remember Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his only son, Ishmael (not biblically accurate).

Seeing the sacrifices in the courtyard of the masque for Idul Adha made me think about the sacrifices in the OT temple. I've always had this picture in my mind of the OT temple being sort of like St Paul's Cathedral in London -- big, open, clean, quiet, beautiful. I mean after all, the supplies used to build the temple were cedar, pine, bronze, and gold. Carvings and engravings of cherubim, palm trees, open flowers, lions, and wreaths decorated the walls and doors. There were even pillars with tops shaped like lilies surrounded by pomegranates. Everything was made of gold: sprinkling bowls, wick trimmers, lamps, tongs . . . everything (1 Kings 5-7). However, I think the temple was much more like the mosque I visited for Idul Adha and much less like St Paul's Cathedral. 

At Idul Adha it took at least half a dozen men to hold the ropes for a single bull to be slaughtered. On the day Solomon dedicated the temple there were twenty-two thousand cattle and a hundred and twenty thousand sheep and goats sacrificed as fellowship offerings (1 Kings 8:62)! It must have taken hundreds of men slaughtering from sunrise to sunset to accomplish the offerings that day. The temple must have been a hoppin' place with all the sacrifices made on a daily basis. It must have been loud and dirty. With animal sacrifices there would have been no way to avoid the stench of blood and dung.  Blood -- it must have been everywhere! In the tabernacle, the temple's precursor, blood was sprinkled on the sides of the altar, blood was sprinkled in front of the curtain, blood was put on the horns of the altar, and blood was poured out at the base of the altar (Leviticus 3-7). When Aaron and his sons were ordained they had blood put on their ear lobes, thumbs, big toes, and garments (Leviticus 8). So much for the starched white robes of holiness I imagined!

Women, in the same courtyard as slaughtering were cutting up the meat to sell or give to the needy. Really sanitary right? 

While the courtyard of the OT temple may have been messy, there was a place set apart from the chaos and the noise. This place was known as the Inner Sanctuary or Holy of Holies. There the Ark of the Covenant was kept and only the high priests entered once a year (Hebrews 9:7).  I saw this idea at the mosque as well. Through a doorway from the courtyard was a place set aside for prayer, a place of cleanliness, quietness, and beauty. 

A sacrifice is a chilling event to watch. What moves and cries out in one moment has no breath in the next. After visiting the mosque at Idul Adha, I can no longer read the scriptures about sacrifices the same way. A sacrifice is messy, awful, and such a high, high payment. One life given for another. Christ came to be a sacrifice, my sacrifice. Hebrews 10:10 says, "We have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Willingly, out of love for us, Christ suffered the brutality of crucifixion. He endured a flogging so severe he medically should have been at the point of collapse or death. He was then forced to carry his own cross and was nailed to it until death. This sacrifice was horrific and bloody. 

Today is Thanksgiving and I am first of all thankful for Christ's sacrifice on my behalf. The animal sacrifices were never designed to remove sin, but rather to remind us of our sin and the debt we owe (Hebrews 10:3-4). My sin, offensive to a righteous God, had payment. It was not a clean or quick payment, it was barbarous. His life for my life. His breath for my breath. His blood for my freedom. I am SO thankful. I owe him EVERYTHING! I needed this reminder today, to be once again awakened to just how great a price Christ paid for me. 

Lord, help me grasp just how much you have done for me. Make the gravity of Christ's sacrifice fresh in my mind. Do not let me become accustomed to it. Do not let me take it for granted. Remind me oh Lord, that you took my place that it may spur me on to live radically for you. Amen.

Below are some pictures of more localized cultural customs being mixed in with Idul Adha:

Bare feet . . . Indonesia.

We talked with these girls for an hour or more.

Mountain of food, given to the poor

Supposedly, these were baskets full of sticks that symbolized fertility or something...?

Everyone racing to get their stick of fertility, haha, I really don't know what the sticks were for but everyone wanted one!

Starving

My plate is full. I have hardly had a chance to breathe since starting the school year. I wake up, work, come home, and work some more. My life is school, more specifically math. Sometimes it seems as if every waking thought revolves around math. Even while brushing my teeth or doing the dishes I find my thoughts invaded by logarithms or trigonometry. . . . My plate is full, yet I'm starving.

I've been here before, this isn't new. This feeling of chaos, this unbalanced life. I have poured myself out so completely to something deemed important that other parts of my life have been neglected. I am exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually. 

How is it that I get to this point? I wake up one morning and I realize its been days, maybe even weeks since I stopped to sit and be still before the Lord. Rushed to make it to work my Bible remains on the  coffee table unopened. When I get home I eat dinner while planning a lesson and continue working until finally at 2 am my eyes give in to sleep. I'm giving, giving, giving to my job. At the end of the day I have nothing left. I'm worn. I'm tired.

I have these moments when it all just overwhelms me. When I am convinced there is nothing left inside of me to give. Not another hour, or another day. Work has taken and taken without replenishing. I'm seeking relief, a moment where I don't have to give. A moment where I can just be. An experience that will fill me back up, leaving me with some hope. My soul is yearning for rest.

Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" Matthew 11:28-29. Despite this promise, I find that when I am empty and worn I turn to everything but Jesus to be filled up. Maybe I turn on a movie, go talk with a friend, surf facebook, or throw myself into household chores. These momentarily distract me, but at the end of the day I am just as empty and worn. Isaiah 55:2 says, "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Why is it that I completely ignore what promises me the rest I am looking for? Perhaps its because inside I feel bad, or guilty that I haven't been spending time with God. Maybe its because I recognize that my priority and attention has shifted completely to my job? Then again, could it be that I feel it will be awkward because its been so long? Or that we have so much to catch up on it will take an entire day (which I don't have) to get it all out? Whatever the case, its not good enough. There is no excuse that should win out.

My mentor once told me, spending time with God is like eating. If you miss a meal, you don't skip the next, you go eat. I think this analogy can be taken even further. Initially, as the body is denied food only inward discomfort is experienced, but overtime the lack of nutrition is portrayed outwardly. Those neglecting to eat for long periods of time will bruise easily, grow fine hair all over the body, and develop brittle hair and nails. Finally, they will experience organ failure resulting in death. Right now I'm starving and its showing. Slowly I find myself becoming worried, impatient, irritable, negative, and stressed. I need to eat. James 4:7-10 says

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up." 

Jesus is beckoning me to come and rest. I have nothing to offer. I am so empty and so worn. I come weary, I come repentant, I come humble. I cannot continue on my own strength. I am wasting away as I pour out without return. It is effecting more than I would like to admit. I must eat.

I don't think I am alone. I don't think I'm the only one out there who is starving. It doesn't matter how long it's been, come and eat. Don't skip another meal. Let Jesus give you rest, real rest. Nothing else will fill you back up. Not friends, not families, not hobbies. "Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Please continue to pray for me that I would seek rest in the Lord and lean on him for strength.

My Counselors

 

Traffic here is CRAZY! I can’t really say its “bad,” just different from the United States. In Indonesia there are very few rules when it comes to driving: 1) drive on the correct side of the road  2) don’t hit anyone. The lanes painted on the road mean nothing. The road signs mean nothing. The horn on your motor bike or car...now that means something. People honk, not out of anger, but to make others aware of their presence or position on the road. There is so much honking, that I am serenaded to sleep nightly by the traffic 30+ stories below.

This morning I read portion of Psalm 119 and was both humbled and challenged. Psalm 119 is a passage entirely devoted to discussing the word of God. There are 22 stanzas, one for each letter of the Hebrew alphabet, and 8 verses in each stanza. Out of the 176 verses, only two do not refer in some way to God's word (biblestudytools.com). As I was reading, this verse stuck out to me: “Your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors.” It made me question, what are my counselors? What is guiding me? 

I’ll just be honest. It’s my feelings. These could be feelings of hope, disappointment, inadequacy, pride, confidence, fear, self-pity, happiness, contentment . . . .So often my feelings lead my thoughts and then my actions. My feelings end up dictating how I view life and how I view myself. Often I will find myself in a state of anxiousness or uneasiness because my feelings change within the day, sometimes within the hour. With my feelings guiding me, I frequently end up somewhere I didn't want to go. 

My feelings should not be my counselors, God's statutes (Bible) should be guiding my thoughts and my actions. Unlike my feelings, God's word does not change. It will not lead me astray.

"All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal." Psalm 119:160

Just like the road signs here in Indonesia, God's statutes are present. They exist for a purpose to protect and guide my life. Too often, I ignore them. Not always intentionally, but I look to my own thoughts first. I choose to believe that what I am feeling is true. When I do, I miss out on the peace and delight received from basing my life in something unchangeable and true. What will I allow to counsel me? What will I look to for guidance?

"Your statues are my delight; they are my counselors." Psalm 119:24

What I do, not just what I say or know

Life has gotten pretty busy for me as of late hence the lack of blog posts. Work is consuming much of my life and I find myself with very little free time these days, especially for blogging. This is unfortunate because I learn so much when I blog about what the Lord is teaching me in my life. It causes me to take a moment out of my day to contemplate Scripture, evaluate my life, and respond. In no way do I fully grasp or perfectly carry out that which I write about. I do not "have it together," I need to read these Scriptures and reflections more than anyone else. I blog to share sure, but mostly I blog to myself.

Another area of life that goes by the wayside when life gets busy is my quiet time alone with the Lord in His Word and in prayer. There are so many important things grabbing for my attention and I tell myself I will "just do it later." Most often though, "later" never comes, or when it does, I find myself just scanning the passages with my eyes while my mind is wandering elsewhere. It becomes something to check off my to-do list instead of a true encounter with a friend filled with deep conversation.When my quiet time with the Lord slips out of my daily routine I find myself drastically altered. I revert to my natural tendencies of impatience, worry, fear, complaining, pessimistic viewpoints, anger . . . sin. I feel tired, frazzled, empty, unsatisfied, and unsettled. I do this over and over again when life gets busy. I say that being in the Word is important and I know the benefits which come from time with the Lord. I say that it is a priority and I know my life should center around my relationship with the Lord not the other way around. I say and I know, yet I do not do. So, what does that mean?

James 3 says, "what good is it my brothers if someone says he has faith, but does not have works. Can that faith save him?" What I truly believe is reflected in my actions. Jesus said, "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice . . . " (Mark 7:21). Out of the heart come actions. Jesus also says in Matthew 16:27 that when He comes again, "he will reward each person according to what he has done." My actions, not what I say or what I know, will be rewarded because they  reveal what I actually believe in my heart. It is easy to state my belief in what is right or to know what is right and yet, NOT do it! However, I find it extremely difficult to do the right thing without truly believing it.

What do I really believe? Is it what I say or what I know or is it what I am doing? If its what I say or what I know, I need to change what I'm doing. If Jesus is the center of my life, if I love Him more than anything else, than my life (time, investments, finances, priorities) should reflect it.

"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 85:11