Like A Wave

They say your 20's is the most important decade of your life. In your 20's almost 80% of life defining moments happen. It's the decade people determine their career, relationships, and personality. What they say, well, it's true. If I could choose just one word to describe my life after college it would be: CHANGE.

I remember taking that first full-time job. I planned to work there for at least five years. I hoped to get married, settle down, have a family. My plan was efficient, direct, but life has turned out so differently than I ever imagined. Five years, six jobs, seven living situations, four churches, international living, my belongings boxed up, hellos, goodbyes . . . change, so much change. Job or housing applications make me cringe a little. I don't remember addresses from four years ago. My walls are blank. It is easier to just not put something up. Besides, I have become somewhat of a minimalist. The less I have, the easier it is to move. I stopped making plans years ago. I have become flexible and adaptable. My mantra has been, "If I'm here." Life has not been direct, it's been . . . well, messy. 

Every year since graduating I have had to make life defining decisions. I would never have considered myself "restless" or "adventurous." I do not feel as if I sought out change because I needed it or liked it. It just happened. Making these life defining decisions has never been easy for me. Right now, today, as I type, I am in the midst of making yet another life defining decision. There is more change coming and it's not easy. I have been anxious, fearful, frustrated, confused, and lost. In these moments, I am great at recognizing my lack of wisdom and asking God for it, but I am not so great at having faith. James 1:5-8, says we need to do both.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." 

Some days I am that wave, that double-minded man. Some days I doubt I will receive the wisdom I am asking for. Some days my anxiety trumps my trust. Some days my fears drown out my belief. This double-mindedness, this wavering, causes me to ride an emotional roller coaster. I become that wave tossed about by circumstances (wind). If circumstances don't seem to be in my favor I am filled with doubt and anxiety. If circumstances seem to be looking up I am filled with trust. It is a restless place to be in. It is tiring. There is no wisdom to be found going back and forth between trust and doubt. This is why James says the double-minded man receives nothing and is unstable in all his ways.

John MacArthur defines the faith James talks about as believing, confident prayer. As Christians, we sometimes pray without knowing what God's answer will be. However, when we pray for wisdom we know exactly what the answer will be! James say, wisdom will be given to he who asks because God gives generously to all without reproach. Of all the prayers to have belief and confidence in, it should be the prayer for wisdom! John MacAurthur says of the double-minded man: "They literally are unwilling to cash in the resources that God has provided in their spiritual account. And they receive nothing. And so they may go on and on and on in the misery of that trial. Never knowing the resolution immediately available to them through faithful persistent trusting prayer in God."

So tonight I sit here wondering, how do I have more faith when I am asking for wisdom? How do I avoid being that wave tossed about by my circumstances? How do I find peace, rest, and confidence in the midst of life defining decisions and change?!?  Philippians 4:6-8 says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." 

Paul, the writer of Philippians, says to pray with thanksgiving. James says to count it joy when we meet trials because the testing of our faith produces steadfastness and that steadfastness makes us perfect and complete. These life defining decisions I seem to continually face are opportunities to grow my faith and make me more like Christ. Ultimately, that is the goal in life, so I can be thankful for them. Secondly, in the midst of these life defining decisions I should be turning my thoughts to what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent . . . instead of the what-ifs, my past regrets, and the unknown future. I have the most peace when I remember God's sovereignty and his promises.

I don't want to be that wave. I don't want to be tossed about to and fro by circumstances. I want to cry out with believing, confident prayer (faith). I want to trust that this messy life in my eyes is a beautifully intricate design in God's sovereignty. I want to believe God will give me the wisdom I need to make yet another life defining decision.

Dear God, thank you for giving me an opportunity to grow in my faith. Thank you for the opportunities you have laid before me. You are my provider, you are good, and you are faithful. Most of all, you are with me. I ask for wisdom and thank you in advance for giving it to me! I trust you.

Freedom

FEAR. Almost three years ago I realized just how much of a driving force those four little letters were in my life – and I do mean my life (all of it).  All the way back to grade school Spirit Week. . . . I was dressed up for Opposite/Clash Day. I looked pretty crazy with my braid and ponytail, two different shoes, and every fingernail painted a different color.  I walked in the Cafeteria before school and the lunch room lady asks me what dress up day it is saying she thought it was some other day. Boom. FEAR. I didn’t want to go to class. I didn’t want to be dressed up for the wrong day! Everyone would make fun of me! However, I couldn’t turn around and go home, so I went. Thankfully, it was Opposite/Clash Day and I even won a prize for my outfit. But . . . FEAR made me bring extra clothes to school every Spirit Week until I graduated college (and maybe into my teaching career…).

Over the last three years I have begun to understand how fear affects my thinking, decisions, and actions.  Often fear has been at the root of my emotional turmoil or rash actions. Fear has left me frustrated, suffocated, and paralyzed. Rick Warren calls fear a “self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be.” A prison. Yep. Self-imposed. Wait, self-imposed??

I think for the longest time I just kind of subconsciously accepted that I struggled with fear. It was like somehow my recognition of that struggle made it OK for me to continue on it. Not that I wanted to intentionally live out fear, but many days I felt powerless to conquer it. It seemed impossible that there could be a life outside of fear. I mean, it had been part of my life long before I even realized it was. My dad started praying for me almost three years ago to have freedom from fear. I was super thankful for his prayers, but honestly, deep down I didn’t feel like I would ever have freedom. My heart had forgotten the God it served.

Over the last few months, I feel that God has been reminding me of who He is. Even this last week, I was reminded of who God is while grading Bible tests (yes I am teaching again, long story) over the book of Mark. Students were explaining what one of the miracles Jesus performed taught them about God and their answers, while simple, spoke straight to my heart. The God who calmed a storm with a few words, healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, and made the lame walk is powerful and authoritative. If Jesus can heal someone from a physical birth defect, can he not heal us from our spiritual and personality defects?!? Can he not set me free from my fear? Can he not set us free from our struggles? From our self-imposed prisons that seem impossible to break out of?  Already he has conquered sin and death! Already he has given us everything we need to walk in freedom and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Has he not promised to continue the good work he started in us (Philippians 1:6-7)?  Isn’t it Christ who lives IN us (Galations 2:20)?

There is no past, no struggle, no label, no personality trait, we have to continue to live in. God’s desire is not for those things to take us captive. He wants freedom for us. He died so we could be free! He did not die for us to continue living in these prisons (1 Peter 2:24). It is in His will for us to live out this freedom so I know it will happen. Get out!

Wow. I’m just soaking this in again. Tonight I’m continuing to call on God for His power, His victory, His freedom and maybe, just maybe, this year during Spirit Week I’ll leave that change of clothes at home.

Maybe.

Transformation

Lately, I seem to be on a roll of doing abnormal things. Yesterday, it was cooking a pumpkin. Back in November, I purchased two pumpkins (yes, they have pumpkins in Indo) in an attempt to make life feel "Fall-ish." When December came I put them on top of the fridge and quite forgot about them until this last week when I discovered one was rotting (gross). Thus, yesterday I mustered up the courage to cook the second one.

Cooking this pumpkin was no walk in the park. First, I had to chop off the stem. It sounded easy enough, but I soon found myself hacking at it wishing I had a saw or something of the sort. After successfully removing the stem and cutting the pumpkin in half without losing any fingers, I had to scrape out all of the seeds.

I then sliced the pumpkin into smaller chunks and baked in the oven until the skin easily peeled away. 

The pumpkin "flesh" was then put into the blender and I started the battle of turning it into puree. Blenders and I don't seem to get along. I'm forever and always stopping to mix it with a spoon or add more liquid. At some point I thought maybe I should have mashed the pumpkin by hand, but eventually I had pumpkin puree. 

Of course, I then used to make pumpkin bread.

Now, don't worry, my blog is not morphing into a baking blog. I just wanted to share a thought I had while baking this pumpkin. You may think its silly or over "spiritualizing" a daily task, but I have to share. It speaks for what God has done in my life. Here it goes . . . 

There I was desperately trying to chop the pumpkin into pieces half laughing at myself, half muttering frustrations. At one point I thought "this is hurting me worse than the pumpkin!" Right then the thought hit me that this situation reflected God's work in our lives. Lamentations 3:33 says, "For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." God's heart breaks over judgement. Just like chopping up the pumpkin was hurting more than the pumpkin, we are not the only one touched by discipline or judgement. Yet, "God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness (Hebrews 12:10)." The Lord disciplines those he loves, whom he calls his sons. Discipline is what trains us, it is what produces a harvest of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). Chopping up the pumpkin was a necessary step to get pumpkin bread, just as discipline is a necessary part in our spiritual transformations. 

I have been thinking a lot about the transformations that have taken place in my life as I have read about Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Places. I remember being a teenager who functioned in fear. Like Much-Afraid, I lived among the family of the Fearings. I feared leaving home, growing up, starting life after college unmarried, finding a job, living alone, living overseas . . . I had so many fears. Today, with God, I have lived out almost every single one of those fears. Guess what? It hasn't been easy, but I'm okay. No, more than okay, I'm full of joy. God transformed my heart full of fear into a heart full of peace. All by myself, I never could have changed my fearful heart, neither could the pumpkin cook itself. This is just ONE of the many ways I have been transformed through God's power. 

Before I started chopping up the pumpkin I knew exactly what I was going to make it into: pumpkin bread. In the same way, God knows exactly what he is going to transform us into. He chops us up, scrapes out our seeds, removes our skins, adds to us, and turns our best parts into something wonderful. There is an enormous difference between the pumpkin and the pumpkin bread, yet its essence is still the same. I will always be the same person, but God's transformations have changed me drastically for the better. 

When we find ourselves in discipline may we remember that it is a part of the transformation process. May we trust in the God who's heart breaks over judgement, knowing that he is purposeful with an end in mind. May we allow ourselves to be transformed.

                                                      

Between the Valley and the High Places

The other night I did something abnormal. I read a book. Yep, I am having extra time these days! I've been reading through a book my best friend gave me called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. The book is an allegory and so far it seems to reflect much of my life.  It is "the story of how Much-Afraid escaped from her Fearing relatives and went with the Shepherd to the High Places where 'perfect love casteth out fear.'"

Much-Afraid is first introduced as a servant of the Chief Shepherd despite her crippled feet and crooked mouth. While she loved serving and pleasing the Shepherd she continually felt ashamed by her disfigurements. One day, her relatives came to her demanding that she marry her cousin Craven Fear. Distraught, Much-Afraid immediately went to the Shepherd for advice telling him how much she longed to escape the Valley and go to the High Places away from the Fearings. The Shepherd replied that he had long waited for Much-Afraid to voice this desire and he wanted to take her there. Much-Afraid in disbelief doubted her crippled feet could make the climb, but the Shepherd told her otherwise. If Much-Afraid went with him, he would help her develop hinds' feet and heal her disfigurements. To do this though, she would have to be willing to be completely changed. This would mean taking on a new name and allow love to be planted in her heart. Much-Afraid agreed and so they started their journey to the High Places.

A short distance into their journey they came to a steep path at the foot of the mountains. The Shepherd turned Much-Afraid over to two guides: Sorrow and her twin-sister Suffering. At first, Much-Afraid was uncomfortable with her guides, but gradually she learned to put her hands in theirs accepting their assistance.

One day the path turned a corner revealing a dessert below. Much-Afraid stopped refusing to following Sorrow and Suffering any further. Distressed she called for the Shepherd, who appeared. Despairingly, she cried out, "I can't understand this. The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself." The Shepherd replied it was not a contradiction but rather a postponement for the best to become possible. Still in disbelief, Much-Afraid sobbed as she realized this was an indefinite postponement. It could "be months, even years, before that path [lead] back to the mountains again." Yet, the Shepherd asked her to trust.

Much-Afraid trusted, following Sorrow and Suffering through the dessert to the shores of the great sea of Loneliness. Initially, Much-Afraid only noticed the lack of life and dreary grey sea, but with time she found beauty in the small things. The way the sun broke through the clouds transforming grey landscape into greens and blues or the moanful cries of the sea gulls above. A new joy rose in her heart causing her to laugh again despite the loneliness.

Yet, she wasn't completely alone, for her relatives had caught up with her. Resentment, Bitterness, Pride, and Self-Pity confronted Much-Afraid with assaults in hopes she would give up her journey and return to the Valley. Worn out, Much-Afraid called out for the Shepherd who rescued her. She asked the Shepherd why she couldn't escape from her relatives horrible suggestions. He answered, "When you wear the weed of impatience in your heart instead of the flower Acceptance-with-Joy, you will always find your enemies get an advantage over you."

I can relate to Much-Afraid's journey along the path of indefinite postponement through the dessert and along the shores of the great sea. It was hard to go down that path with Sorrow and Suffering, away from the High Places, away from the blessings I thought God might have in store for me. Like Much-Afraid the trials changed me and taught me many lessons. Yet, as a new joy began to creep into my heart I found with it came impatience. With this weed of impatience came the assaults of resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity. I've walked this indefinite path long enough. I deserve redemption for everything I've gone through. These enemies have surely got the best of me at times.

One of my favorite books of the Bible, James, says, "Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4).  James goes on to say, "blessed is the man who perseveres." This perseverance or endurance is a hopeful patience. Job, a man who knew suffering like no one else, is commended by James for his perseverance. James says, "You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful."

What a great reminder. God is purposeful, compassionate, and merciful. Resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity would have us think that somehow God does not have our best in mind. Surely, he cannot know what is best for us. The assaults of these enemies, strip us of our trust in the Shepherd. I think in the dessert of our trials, when we are so weak we cannot stand, we have to be utterly dependent upon the Lord, completely trusting. There comes a day though, as we walk along the shores of the great sea that the sun comes out and we find ourselves stronger than before, limping less and less. This moment is where our trust is perhaps the most fragile. This is where resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity attack.

I want to have the response of Much-Afraid at these critical moments. To lift my face to the sky and cry out with all the breath that is in me for my Shepherd to come to my deliverance. When I realize the weed of impatience has grown up I want to put my hand in the Shepherd's and say sorrowfully,

"You are quite right. I have been thinking that you are allowing me to follow this path too long and that you were forgetting your promise. . . . But I do tell you now with all my heart that you are my Shepherd whose voice I love to hear and obey, and that it is my joy to follow you. You choose, my Lord, and I will obey." 

Miss Karissa

Tomorrow is the beginning of my third year of teaching. In addition, it is my third 'first year' of teaching. Three years, three schools, three different levels. So far in my teaching career I have found the first days of school to be stressful and overwhelming, however this year seems particularly more challenging that the rest.

It's different. Everything. Student names, curriculum, student demographics, school size, level of math, transportation to school, the lunch food...everything. I don't even have the same name. I will be addressed by my first name, Miss Karissa. It's beyond stressful, beyond overwhelming. When people ask how I'm doing I find myself speechless. Literally my brain is going so fast that nothing comes out of my mouth. How do I begin to describe what's going on inside of me?

Never ever in my life have I felt so utterly incapable for a task. I feel inadequate. Who am I to teach calculus to students at one of the top private schools in Indonesia? I haven't taught calculus before, I was lucky to have made it through the course in college. I open my textbook and my heartbeat races. My brain hurts after looking at the tests. On top of this I'm still trying to wrap my head around the grading and assessment system. I feel lost, scared, and helpless.

This is how I feel, but here is what I know.

". . . for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

"'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 2 Peter 1:5-7

God is at work in SPH International and has allowed me to be a part of that work. I must trust that He will see me through the school year. I come before Him asking (more like begging) for the whatever it is that I need as a teacher to represent Him best. Would you join with me? Would you ask that for the sake of God's kingdom and work at SPH International I would . . .

   - Have the knowledge and understanding to teach my math classes (especially calculus)
   - Manage my time well to effectively meet requirements
   - Be faithful in prayer for my students
   - Have the courage to build relationships with students as the Holy Spirit leads
   - Work with all my heart for the Lord (Colossians 3:23)

As James says, "the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." Please remember me in your prayers as I start school this week.

Afraid To Ask

Sometime last year I heard a sermon on Luke 11, Jesus' teaching on prayer. At the time it was intriguing and thought provoking, but it is even more so as of late. Chapter 11 of Luke opens with the disciples asking Jesus to teach them to pray. Jesus responds with what we typically call the Lord's Prayer. He then goes on to tell a parable about a man who goes to a friends' door at midnight and ask for three loaves of bread because he has nothing to set before a visiting friend has come from a long journey. The friend tells the man to go away because his household is shut up for the night, but the man is persistent and bold, so the friend gets up and gives him as much as he needs. Jesus then says:

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Persistent, desperate, bold, dependent--that is Jesus' description of what a believer's prayer towards God should be. Just like the man got up to give his friend as much as he needs, Jesus promises that what is asked for will be given.

I am pretty good at asking God for what I think I need. Honestly, I would say the majority of my prayers revolve around asking the Lord for a variety of needs for myself or others. It isn't the asking that I struggle with, its the answering. Jesus said, what is asked for will be given, but sometimes I don't get what I ask for. This may be because what I am asking for is not in God's will (Jonah 4:3, 1 Kings 19:4, Mark 10:34-45). It may be because I ask with the wrong motives as James 4:3 describes. After all, my "heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure" Jeremiah 17:9. It could be because there is sin in my life (Isaiah 59:2). Whatever the reason, the truth is I don't always get what I ask for. Knowing that, sometimes I fear answers. I fear I won't like them. I fear they won't make me happy. I fear God's will might be something I don't want or even worse, something I hate. Surely, what I want is best . . . right?

Luke 11 goes on to say:

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I've never been a parent before, but I've been told by numerous parents how much they desire their children's happiness. If it is in their power to influence the happiness and satisfaction of their children they will do so. God is not any different, in fact, He desires His children's satisfaction even more because of His perfect holiness. He does not desire to give that which would bring harm, such as a snake or scorpion. He wants what is best for His children. He gives good gifts. James 1:17 says, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." Psalms 84:11 says, "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

Sometimes I think what I want is best, but sometimes, maybe, I am unknowingly asking for a scorpion or a snake? I get caught up in thinking what I am asking for is what will make me happiest. I can't imagine there being anything else that could be better. So I fear--in pride, in ignorance, in lack of trust. While I may not be able to comprehend it or imagine it, God has a better gift. He wants the best for me, but it may not be what I think is best. I should not fear God's answer, because it is going to bring me good, not harm. It is going to be in my best interest. It is going to make me happiest. I must trust in His goodness and love for me. I must keep on asking--persistent, desperate, bold, dependent.