Like A Wave

They say your 20's is the most important decade of your life. In your 20's almost 80% of life defining moments happen. It's the decade people determine their career, relationships, and personality. What they say, well, it's true. If I could choose just one word to describe my life after college it would be: CHANGE.

I remember taking that first full-time job. I planned to work there for at least five years. I hoped to get married, settle down, have a family. My plan was efficient, direct, but life has turned out so differently than I ever imagined. Five years, six jobs, seven living situations, four churches, international living, my belongings boxed up, hellos, goodbyes . . . change, so much change. Job or housing applications make me cringe a little. I don't remember addresses from four years ago. My walls are blank. It is easier to just not put something up. Besides, I have become somewhat of a minimalist. The less I have, the easier it is to move. I stopped making plans years ago. I have become flexible and adaptable. My mantra has been, "If I'm here." Life has not been direct, it's been . . . well, messy. 

Every year since graduating I have had to make life defining decisions. I would never have considered myself "restless" or "adventurous." I do not feel as if I sought out change because I needed it or liked it. It just happened. Making these life defining decisions has never been easy for me. Right now, today, as I type, I am in the midst of making yet another life defining decision. There is more change coming and it's not easy. I have been anxious, fearful, frustrated, confused, and lost. In these moments, I am great at recognizing my lack of wisdom and asking God for it, but I am not so great at having faith. James 1:5-8, says we need to do both.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." 

Some days I am that wave, that double-minded man. Some days I doubt I will receive the wisdom I am asking for. Some days my anxiety trumps my trust. Some days my fears drown out my belief. This double-mindedness, this wavering, causes me to ride an emotional roller coaster. I become that wave tossed about by circumstances (wind). If circumstances don't seem to be in my favor I am filled with doubt and anxiety. If circumstances seem to be looking up I am filled with trust. It is a restless place to be in. It is tiring. There is no wisdom to be found going back and forth between trust and doubt. This is why James says the double-minded man receives nothing and is unstable in all his ways.

John MacArthur defines the faith James talks about as believing, confident prayer. As Christians, we sometimes pray without knowing what God's answer will be. However, when we pray for wisdom we know exactly what the answer will be! James say, wisdom will be given to he who asks because God gives generously to all without reproach. Of all the prayers to have belief and confidence in, it should be the prayer for wisdom! John MacAurthur says of the double-minded man: "They literally are unwilling to cash in the resources that God has provided in their spiritual account. And they receive nothing. And so they may go on and on and on in the misery of that trial. Never knowing the resolution immediately available to them through faithful persistent trusting prayer in God."

So tonight I sit here wondering, how do I have more faith when I am asking for wisdom? How do I avoid being that wave tossed about by my circumstances? How do I find peace, rest, and confidence in the midst of life defining decisions and change?!?  Philippians 4:6-8 says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." 

Paul, the writer of Philippians, says to pray with thanksgiving. James says to count it joy when we meet trials because the testing of our faith produces steadfastness and that steadfastness makes us perfect and complete. These life defining decisions I seem to continually face are opportunities to grow my faith and make me more like Christ. Ultimately, that is the goal in life, so I can be thankful for them. Secondly, in the midst of these life defining decisions I should be turning my thoughts to what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent . . . instead of the what-ifs, my past regrets, and the unknown future. I have the most peace when I remember God's sovereignty and his promises.

I don't want to be that wave. I don't want to be tossed about to and fro by circumstances. I want to cry out with believing, confident prayer (faith). I want to trust that this messy life in my eyes is a beautifully intricate design in God's sovereignty. I want to believe God will give me the wisdom I need to make yet another life defining decision.

Dear God, thank you for giving me an opportunity to grow in my faith. Thank you for the opportunities you have laid before me. You are my provider, you are good, and you are faithful. Most of all, you are with me. I ask for wisdom and thank you in advance for giving it to me! I trust you.

Riding on Top

It's Friday afternoon. The sun is almost cutting through the Jakarta haze and my step is light. I'm riding on top. No longer crushed under a pile of a million and one things, but rather sitting on top of pile of a million and one things. I don't know when it happened, but there came a day when I realized I was "making it" here in Jakarta.

Maybe it was the magical 6 month mark of living in a foreign country, or perhaps knowing how to get a taxi and buy groceries coming back from Christmas holiday. It could have been the day I ceased to feel that lingering sense of doubt when teaching my math classes. All of these are possibilities, but I think its because I'm further on this journey of letting go.

Contrary to my perfectionism, I'm not always 100% planned for class, my apartment sometimes goes more than a week without a mopping, I quit doing the homework I assign my students, and I now feel "ok" saying "I don't know" to a question a student asks. I even go out to take a picture of a man riding on top of garbage sacks on a Friday afternoon.

Why am I blogging about this? I want to praise God. I want to acknowledge his work in my life. I could be trapped in the label, the box, "perfectionist." After all, it is my natural tendency not something I chose, but I'm not! I want to thank God for not leaving me stuck there, but graciously helping me learn I can live outside the label. God is bigger than my characteristics.

I am also blogging about this because I want YOU to praise God! Many of you have been faithfully praying for me as I teach here in Indonesia. Well, God is answering your prayers. I am understanding more of the content and actually sleeping. On my best days, I even feel a little bit confident as a teacher :) So, thank YOU for praying and praise GOD for answering! With his grace being enough and his strength in my weaknesses, I'm riding on top.

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4

Miss Karissa

Tomorrow is the beginning of my third year of teaching. In addition, it is my third 'first year' of teaching. Three years, three schools, three different levels. So far in my teaching career I have found the first days of school to be stressful and overwhelming, however this year seems particularly more challenging that the rest.

It's different. Everything. Student names, curriculum, student demographics, school size, level of math, transportation to school, the lunch food...everything. I don't even have the same name. I will be addressed by my first name, Miss Karissa. It's beyond stressful, beyond overwhelming. When people ask how I'm doing I find myself speechless. Literally my brain is going so fast that nothing comes out of my mouth. How do I begin to describe what's going on inside of me?

Never ever in my life have I felt so utterly incapable for a task. I feel inadequate. Who am I to teach calculus to students at one of the top private schools in Indonesia? I haven't taught calculus before, I was lucky to have made it through the course in college. I open my textbook and my heartbeat races. My brain hurts after looking at the tests. On top of this I'm still trying to wrap my head around the grading and assessment system. I feel lost, scared, and helpless.

This is how I feel, but here is what I know.

". . . for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

"'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 2 Peter 1:5-7

God is at work in SPH International and has allowed me to be a part of that work. I must trust that He will see me through the school year. I come before Him asking (more like begging) for the whatever it is that I need as a teacher to represent Him best. Would you join with me? Would you ask that for the sake of God's kingdom and work at SPH International I would . . .

   - Have the knowledge and understanding to teach my math classes (especially calculus)
   - Manage my time well to effectively meet requirements
   - Be faithful in prayer for my students
   - Have the courage to build relationships with students as the Holy Spirit leads
   - Work with all my heart for the Lord (Colossians 3:23)

As James says, "the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." Please remember me in your prayers as I start school this week.

Rain

It's holiday here. Yes, isn't that a fantastic word, "holiday"? I think I shall forever discard the use of "break" or "vacation"! Unlike many expatriates on holiday, I spent the day settling into my apartment. Of course this means I was still scrubbing, but this time with no accidents. I was in the kitchen cleaning my cabinets when I heard the all familiar patter of rain.

It's the dry season here, so it doesn't rain much and when it does rain, it doesn't last for long. Today I stood mesmerized for that short period of time at the window watching. Just watching the rain drip down the window and off the ledge outside. The rain brought with it a transformation. A sky white from a haze of smog cleared to reveal a city stretched across the horizon. This simple transformation seemed to demonstrate an idea addressed yesterday at church and in my devotions this morning.

"Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong." Ecclesiastes 5:1

How do I come before God? What is the condition of my heart and mind? What are my actions when I come? In the Old Testament the Lord required that a perfect lamb without blemish be brought for sacrifice (Deuteronomy 17:1). When I come before the Lord, should I not bring Him the BEST sacrifice I have to offer? Of course I am not bringing a lamb, as Jesus Christ has paid my debt, but I am bringing my heart and my mind. Psalm 51:17 says, "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise." Is my heart broken and contrite? Or do I come before God with unconfessed sin?

If I'm honest, there are a lot of times I come before God in a rush. Life has caused me to be frazzled or distracted so when I pray confession seems to get tossed out, along with praise, in order that my "requests" make it in. Why is that? It seems as if somehow I have forgotten who God is and who I am. "If [I] claim to be without sin, [I] deceive [myself] and the truth is not in [me]" (1 John 1:8). He is a holy God and has called me to obedience. Do I think that He can't see my unconfessed sin or doesn't care about it? Might I believe unconfessed sin won't effect my relationship with Him?

Unconfessed sin is like the smoggy horizon before the rain. I can't see clearly. My relationship with the Lord just isn't the same. Confessing my sin brings a transformation, like the rain. When I have humbled myself and been honest with God I experience His grace in a much fuller way making my joy complete.

I want to guard my steps when I come to God. Perhaps think a little bit more about just who I am coming before and what He requires. I want to come broken, contrite, humble. Ready to listen, not to talk. I don't want to be enveloped in smog, I want the rain, the rain that will let me see and know Him.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9 

 

Scrubbing...A Little Too Hard

My bathroom is tile. Not just the floor, the walls too. In theory, I would love this, but the tile is well...gross? Therefore, after acquiring some much needed supplies I set to work scrubbing.



Things were going well until I was scrubbing the tile near the toilet. Before I go on, I must tell you toilets are considered a "western" amenity in Indonesia. Indonesians use what is sometimes referred to as a "squatty."Rather than using toilet paper, they use water and their left hand to clean themselves. Due to this, the left hand is considered dirty and never used to pass anything to someone else. Many bathrooms have a sprayer next to the toilet to assist in the cleaning process. Having not read extensively on the Indonesia toilets prior to coming, I walked into my apartment bathroom and wondered what in the world a kitchen sprayer was doing in the bathroom! Haha :)

So there I was putting some good elbow grease into my tile wall when I happen to hit the top of the sprayer pipe.

Water.

Water!

Water!!

The pipe busted right off the wall! Water was jetting out of the wall, out of the bathroom, and hitting the hallway wall. Quickly, I grabbed the broken part and tried to jam it against the wall to stop the stream. Thankfully, I was with a friend who ran to call for help. So here I was in a foreign country, jammed against the wall attempting to keep a jet stream of water from flooding my apartment!! After the intial shock, I found the situation somewhat entertaining at least until I thought some more. My apartment is quite a ways up in a high rise building. If it flooded, not only would I lose my stuff, but perhaps damage several other apartments and businesses in the building.  I started praying.

Where I spent at least 20 minutes of my life... like my yellow toilet seat? A replacement = $53 *sigh*

It didn't take long for the water to cover the floor. Thankfully, the bathroom floor sits about one inch lower than the rest of my apartment floor. When my friend got back from making the phone call she started scooping buckets of water into the shower. With me jamming against the wall and her scooping buckets of water, it seemed as if we could keep the water contained to the bathroom. However, I wasn't sure how long we would have to continue. Finally, after what seemed like hours, but probably only 20 minutes, the water got shut off.

The water trickling after it was finally shut off.

There were so many things to thank God for in this situation: my apartment not being damaged except for the pipe that busted off the wall, a repair man coming a few hours later so I could have running water again, and a friend who scooped bucket after bucket of water. SO many things. No matter how often I have to scrub the tile I am now thankful it goes from floor to ceiling. No matter how many times I trip over that one inch lip stepping out of the bathroom I am now thankful its there. No matter how many times I recall this story I will always laugh! God is good :)

Cleaning accident turned swimming!

All fixed with a new sprayer.

Black and White

There's black, there's white, and then there's grey. This concept has never frustrated me more than in the area of prayer and determining God's will. At times I have wished that the Bible was more extensive or that God would just call down from heaven, "My will for you is ___________." I have focused on the grey in prayer always wondering whether something was God's will or not. I hadn't thought much about the black and white until recently.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we asked of him."               1 John 5:14-15

There are grey areas of God's will in my life: what job I work, where I live, what college I attended, who I marry, friends I make, etc. However, there are far more black and white areas of God's will: moral choices, purity, walking in the spirit, working as unto Him, praising His name, serving others, etc. Sometimes I forget to ask for the black and white, but how I should! For when my requests align with God's will I can be confident I will receive them. Psalm 115:3 says, "Our God is in heaven, he does whatever pleases him." There is no doubt, no question, just patience in his timing.

I know it is God's will for me to trust him, so if I ask for trust I can be confident He will build it within me. I know it is God's will for me to be healed, so if I ask for healing I can be confident He will heal me. I know it is God's will for me to have a positive perspective in the midst of hardship, so if I ask for Him to help me change my perspective I can be confident He will be working on me. I know it is  God's will for me to be free of the sins which entangle me, so if I ask for freedom I can be confident He will come to my rescue. I know it is God's will for me to have peace, so if I ask for peace I can be confident He will bring it. I know it is God's will for me to be a servant, so if I ask for a heart of service I can be confident He will develop it.

 I can be confident in asking for God's will, for the black and white. It doesn't matter how impossible my request may seem, I can ask anything in His will and He hears. If I ask for something in God's will I am guaranteed to have it. It is a powerful idea. I can wait in eager expectance for God to act, to bring about His will in His way and His timing. So I will ask, not only about the grey, but the black and white.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14