Enemy of Change

My heart hurts. It always does when there is change. For as long as I can remember I have been an enemy of change. The very first time I heard of Peter Pan I was mesmerized, enchanted by the notion of not growing up and escaping change. Many nights of my life were spent staring out my bedroom window at the stars above wishing Peter would whisk me off to Neverland. I cried when I turned ten because I was in double digits. I cried when I turned sixteen because I couldn't remember all the details of my childhood. I cried when I left home for college and when I completed my undergraduate studies.

Change is both endings and beginnings and it is the endings I do not like so much, especially the endings with people. I'm not an extrovert. Never in my life have I been labeled a "social butterfly" or described as a people lover. My relationships are few, deep, sincere. When I let someone into my life I do not want to let them out. I want to be a friends for life. Twenty-five years of living have proved this to be hard to accomplish. There are distinct periods of time, chapters or seasons as some say, in life. Relationships come and go with these as change occurs. Even if a relationship is maintained through a variety of seasons or distances it is never quite the same.

A year ago I made a big change when I decided to teach overseas in Indonesia. It was hard, but I quickly found myself surrounded by wonderful people. Well, its July again and already my friends are returning to begin another school year. My heart hurts because I know it won't be the same. I will miss my friends and coworkers. I am not a short drive away as if I had moved towns. I am half a world away. No longer will I be able to just "live life" with them.

I use to think life held some permanent people--parents, siblings, spouses, perhaps best friends-- relationships that would always be the same. No matter what happened in life these people would be with you. However, I have come to realize even these relationships change. Siblings move apart and start families, spouses eventually pass away, and best friends get jobs in other parts of the country (or world). If this were it I'm sure I would be broke, holed up somewhere refusing to meet people or let anyone in my life, but its not.

I have and will always have God. He is constant. He is the rocky ocean cliffs against which the waves of change crash and the tides of relationships ebb in and out. Hebrews 13:5 states God's promise to us, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Jesus said in Matthew 28:20, "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." There is no distance that can separate us from God. Psalm 139:7-10,18b says,

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there; If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand hold me fast….when I awake I am still with you."

The very name God gave his son, Immanuel, means "God with us" (Matthew 1:23). He is with us through every season and chapter of life. David writes in Psalm 23 of both green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death saying of God, "you are with me." He is not beside, beneath, or above, but with us.  With him there is no separation, no goodbye.

Ever.

My soul rejoices!! There are no words to adequately express the gratitude which arises within me at this thought! He is with me! He is with us!!

While my heart hurts for the endings, I know this pain results only from the blessings of friendship I have received. My Jakarta SPH friends, I already miss you. Thank you for your friendship. You are in my prayers as you begin another school year. Know that God is with you. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;" Isaiah 41:10

The best department head ever, love her!

Best friend and college roomie forever!

Working, working, working, we love Starbucks :)

Teresa you can now officially hate me :)

Amazing math department coworkers, love these ladies!

Karaoke!

Going to Singapore

The huge wedding we attended. 

Six lovely women who shared the experience of the "first year"with me!

Borobudur

Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to see the sunrise from the top of one of Indonesia's ancient temples, Borobudur. The 9th-century Mahayana Buddhist temple, located in Central Java, is Indonesia's most visited tourist attraction. As I wandered around Borobudur's walkways, I was amazed at the intricate wall carvings. I realized this temple had been a place of worship for an untold number of people. A place of pilgrimage and spiritual significance. Being a polytheistic religion, Buddhists worship numerous gods. Looking at the 500+ Buddha statues on Borobudur, I thought how difficult it must be to have so many gods. I found myself thankful I worship only one god . . . or do I?

Making Up My Mind

Sometimes thoughts just get stuck on repeat in my head. I'm still thinking about that man by the pool of Bethesda whom Jesus asked, "Do you want to be healed?"(see post). The idea that healing is a choice has occupied my thoughts a lot recently as I keep encountering it. Here is what Beth Moore had to say about it in Get Out of That Pit:

"God is not just a firm place to stand. He's a firm place to stay. . . . And if that's what we want, we've got to do something absolutely crucial. We've got to make up our minds. The ground beneath our feet will only be as firm as our resolve. As long as we're wishy-washy, what's under us will be wishy-washy too. God gives us a firm place to stand, but we have to decide we want to take it. . . . God is ever the Giver (see James 1:17) but, by His sovereign design, each individual gets to exercise the prerogative whether to be a taker. . . . Without hesitation God offers you a firm place to stand, but your feet are not firmly set in place until you've made up your own mind that's where you want to be. He will not force you to stand. And He most assuredly will not force you to stay. . . . Until you finally make up your mind that you're cleaving to God and calling upon His power from now until Hades freezes over, your feet are set upon a banana peel. You may stand while the wind is calm, but when the storm hits and the floodwaters rise, the undertow will leave you gulping for air."

God is most certainly a healer. He "forgives all [my] sins and heals all [my] diseases" (Psalms 103:3). Countless times Jesus had compassion on the multitudes and healed their sick (Matthew 14:14). Jesus "bore [my] sin in his own body on the tree, that [I], being dead to sins, should live to righteousness: by whose stripes [I was] healed." God desires to heal, He came not for the healthy, but for the sick (Matthew 9:12). Physical, emotional, spiritual infirmities, God is healer; but the question remains, "Do [I] want to be healed?" Do I want to stand on firm ground?

I've was there lying on that mat, sinking in that pit, unable to stand. I found myself faced with a choice: 1) continue on in the current state of existence or 2) accept healing. Questions circulated in my mind. How long do I plan on lying on my mat? How long do I want to sink in a pit, unable to stand? What is my testimony for Christ as others look at my life? What will staying here do for me? What will staying here do for Christ? I knew I could be healed, I could stand on firm ground, but had I made up my mind that is where I wanted to be?  I didn't have to save myself, I didn't have to have the hope, I didn't have to have the strength, all I had to do was make up my mind.

It may seem stupid, but I couldn't, I just couldn't determine I wanted to be well once and for all. I was "wishy-washy." So I began praying for the desire to be healed, knowing that it was in God's will so I would surely receive it. And I did. Healing is a choice and I've made up my mind. I'm praying for healing. I'm done making excuses. I'm trusting God. I'm picking up my mat and walking. I want to stand on firm ground. Storms may come and floodwaters may rise, but I have made up my mind, I'm cleaving to God and calling on His power. I just want to shout, "Yes, Jesus, YES I want to be healed!" God wants me to  be healed so I know that I will be. When or how I don't know, but I know that I will be. I expect it, I wait for it, I am eager for it.

" I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him." Psalm 40:1-3 

Confession

I have always considered confession to be a word associated with sin only, however this excerpt from Get Out Of That Pit by Beth Moore has been on my mind.

"Confession in its widest sense is our means of baring our hearts and souls before God. Confession is a way we agree with what God says about Himself and about us. Confession takes place every time you tell God how much you need Him. Tell Him what's on your mind. What kind of mess you're in. Who's in it with you. What's holding you back. What's on your heart. Who's on  your case. Who's made you mad. Who's on your nerves. Who's broken your heart. Even if your first impulse is to think it's Him. As long as you can feel it, spill it. Psalm 145:18 says, 'The Lord is near to all who call on him, / to all who call on him in truth.'"

 Sometimes there are things within my heart that I fail to tell God about. I may fail to tell him because I simply don't think about bringing it before him or because I feel it is insignificant. Sometimes I fail to tell him because I know in my head my feelings are wrong, unbiblical, or not based on truth, yet they are real. In those times I am afraid to really bare my heart. However, try as I might to hide my feelings or thoughts, I cannot. Nothing is hidden from Him.

God knows everything that goes on within me. Psalms 94:11 says, "The Lord knows the thoughts of man, he knows that they are futile." He,"searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts" (1 Chronicles 28:9). God, "alone knows the heart of all men" (1 Kings 8:39). Psalm 139 says, "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;  you perceive my thoughts from afar. . . . before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord." God sees it all, my thoughts, my feelings, my motives.

Similar to unconfessed sin, failure to bare my heart before the Lord can at times brings an intolerable inner turmoil. It isolates, leaving me alone to carry my burdens. It reminds me of that old hymn What A Friend We Have in Jesus: "O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bare, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." Failure to be completely honest with God hurts me, not God. I deprive myself of God's comfort and peace. I must be careful how I am honest, just as Job was, but I can be honest.

God already knows what's in my soul, He doesn't need to be told, but He desires me to cry out to him, to bare my soul. Psalm 55:22 says, "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you." According to Scripture,  I can, "pour out [my] heart to him, for God is [my] refuge" (Psalm 62:8). I am not supposed to be anxious about anything but rather in every situation bring my requests before God through prayer and petition, and his peace which passes all understanding will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7). There is freedom and peace in confession of both sin and the inmost parts of the soul.

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you." Psalm 38:9

Do you want to get well?

I can't get it off my mind; this story, this man. I first encountered it last spring when I began reading Truly Fed by Gari Meacham. Much of this post is largely based off what I learned in the first chapter of her book then. However, as time goes on and life happens I find myself returning time and time again to this story.

"Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked."

                                                                                                      John 5:1-9 ESV

 Thirty-eight years . . . thirty-eight years he had been an invalid. Who knows how many of those thirty-eight years he had spent lying next to pool of Bethesda. Maybe he had tried to be cured for years, I don't know; but, he was there at the pool, desperate, with any hope he had left thrown to a local superstition. It was said that the pool had healing power, that from time to time an angle of the Lord would come down and stir the waters. Supposedly the first person to enter the waters after such a disturbance would be cured of whatever infirmity they had (Bible Knowledge Commentary). This man had come to the pool hoping to be healed, but it had not happened yet.

"Jesus saw this man lying in an alcove, crumbled on his bedroll. He knew he had been in this state a long time, and without any small talk or meaningless conversation, He probed to the very soul of the man by asking 'Do you want to get well?' (Meacham, 13)." This seems like an absurd question for Jesus to ask. I mean, it was obvious that the man was at the pool to get healed. Yet, Jesus deliberately asked the man, "Do you want to get well?" Why? Perhaps the man originally had come to the pool with a hope of healing, but that hope had all but died. Maybe after thirty-eight years the man had grown accustomed to his state. To be healed would bring responsibility, change, and the discomfort of the unfamiliar. To be healed would be letting go of all that he had known as life for so long. Jesus probably knew the answer, but he wanted the man to look deep within himself. The man responded to Jesus with excuses. There was no one to help him and other people, well they always got to the water first. So Jesus told him to stand up,  pick up his mat, and walk.  He left the man with a choice. The man could trust and move or remain in his excuses sitting on his mat. Jesus was willing and able to heal the man, but the man had to choose to accept healing.

I am an invalid; not physically, but in so many other ways. I am not thirty-eight, but already I have easily become accustomed to my state of paralysis. I don't necessarily like it, but it is predictable, comfortable, familiar. I can remember hoping for healing, yet its been so long my hopes have all but died. I can't imagine life without my paralysis. I have tried various remedies, yet they each have failed. It seems impossible to be healed, every time I think I'm getting into that pool I find I'm too late or I just can't do it myself.

I'm lying on my mat paralyzed. I hear the question He asks, but I can't look up, I'm mumbling excuses. To be healed I have to trust Him, I have to believe that He can truly heal me, but I can't imagine it. To be healed I have to move towards freedom by standing up, I can't lie on my mat and be healed, but I lack the energy to get up. To be healed I have to pick up my mat, letting go of my past, and walk, but I fear the unfamiliar. In my head the answer is an obvious "yes," I don't like living in this state of paralysis, but my heart does not seem to agree. I know I should be like the man and get up, yet my heart is resistant to change. I want it so bad, yet I am still resisting. "Isn't it interesting that the very thing that paralyzes our lives becomes something we hang on to and refuse to change?" (Meacham, 12).

I can't get this man, this story, off my mind. Do I want to get well? Do I want to be healed?

"O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me." Psalm 30:2

What I do, not just what I say or know

Life has gotten pretty busy for me as of late hence the lack of blog posts. Work is consuming much of my life and I find myself with very little free time these days, especially for blogging. This is unfortunate because I learn so much when I blog about what the Lord is teaching me in my life. It causes me to take a moment out of my day to contemplate Scripture, evaluate my life, and respond. In no way do I fully grasp or perfectly carry out that which I write about. I do not "have it together," I need to read these Scriptures and reflections more than anyone else. I blog to share sure, but mostly I blog to myself.

Another area of life that goes by the wayside when life gets busy is my quiet time alone with the Lord in His Word and in prayer. There are so many important things grabbing for my attention and I tell myself I will "just do it later." Most often though, "later" never comes, or when it does, I find myself just scanning the passages with my eyes while my mind is wandering elsewhere. It becomes something to check off my to-do list instead of a true encounter with a friend filled with deep conversation.When my quiet time with the Lord slips out of my daily routine I find myself drastically altered. I revert to my natural tendencies of impatience, worry, fear, complaining, pessimistic viewpoints, anger . . . sin. I feel tired, frazzled, empty, unsatisfied, and unsettled. I do this over and over again when life gets busy. I say that being in the Word is important and I know the benefits which come from time with the Lord. I say that it is a priority and I know my life should center around my relationship with the Lord not the other way around. I say and I know, yet I do not do. So, what does that mean?

James 3 says, "what good is it my brothers if someone says he has faith, but does not have works. Can that faith save him?" What I truly believe is reflected in my actions. Jesus said, "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice . . . " (Mark 7:21). Out of the heart come actions. Jesus also says in Matthew 16:27 that when He comes again, "he will reward each person according to what he has done." My actions, not what I say or what I know, will be rewarded because they  reveal what I actually believe in my heart. It is easy to state my belief in what is right or to know what is right and yet, NOT do it! However, I find it extremely difficult to do the right thing without truly believing it.

What do I really believe? Is it what I say or what I know or is it what I am doing? If its what I say or what I know, I need to change what I'm doing. If Jesus is the center of my life, if I love Him more than anything else, than my life (time, investments, finances, priorities) should reflect it.

"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 85:11