Freedom

FEAR. Almost three years ago I realized just how much of a driving force those four little letters were in my life – and I do mean my life (all of it).  All the way back to grade school Spirit Week. . . . I was dressed up for Opposite/Clash Day. I looked pretty crazy with my braid and ponytail, two different shoes, and every fingernail painted a different color.  I walked in the Cafeteria before school and the lunch room lady asks me what dress up day it is saying she thought it was some other day. Boom. FEAR. I didn’t want to go to class. I didn’t want to be dressed up for the wrong day! Everyone would make fun of me! However, I couldn’t turn around and go home, so I went. Thankfully, it was Opposite/Clash Day and I even won a prize for my outfit. But . . . FEAR made me bring extra clothes to school every Spirit Week until I graduated college (and maybe into my teaching career…).

Over the last three years I have begun to understand how fear affects my thinking, decisions, and actions.  Often fear has been at the root of my emotional turmoil or rash actions. Fear has left me frustrated, suffocated, and paralyzed. Rick Warren calls fear a “self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be.” A prison. Yep. Self-imposed. Wait, self-imposed??

I think for the longest time I just kind of subconsciously accepted that I struggled with fear. It was like somehow my recognition of that struggle made it OK for me to continue on it. Not that I wanted to intentionally live out fear, but many days I felt powerless to conquer it. It seemed impossible that there could be a life outside of fear. I mean, it had been part of my life long before I even realized it was. My dad started praying for me almost three years ago to have freedom from fear. I was super thankful for his prayers, but honestly, deep down I didn’t feel like I would ever have freedom. My heart had forgotten the God it served.

Over the last few months, I feel that God has been reminding me of who He is. Even this last week, I was reminded of who God is while grading Bible tests (yes I am teaching again, long story) over the book of Mark. Students were explaining what one of the miracles Jesus performed taught them about God and their answers, while simple, spoke straight to my heart. The God who calmed a storm with a few words, healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, and made the lame walk is powerful and authoritative. If Jesus can heal someone from a physical birth defect, can he not heal us from our spiritual and personality defects?!? Can he not set me free from my fear? Can he not set us free from our struggles? From our self-imposed prisons that seem impossible to break out of?  Already he has conquered sin and death! Already he has given us everything we need to walk in freedom and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Has he not promised to continue the good work he started in us (Philippians 1:6-7)?  Isn’t it Christ who lives IN us (Galations 2:20)?

There is no past, no struggle, no label, no personality trait, we have to continue to live in. God’s desire is not for those things to take us captive. He wants freedom for us. He died so we could be free! He did not die for us to continue living in these prisons (1 Peter 2:24). It is in His will for us to live out this freedom so I know it will happen. Get out!

Wow. I’m just soaking this in again. Tonight I’m continuing to call on God for His power, His victory, His freedom and maybe, just maybe, this year during Spirit Week I’ll leave that change of clothes at home.

Maybe.

Even More

Today was one of those days where I found myself asking God for wisdom. In fact, I have been asking for wisdom a lot recently. It has almost become a ritual done without thought.  The last two weeks I have been challenged, to my very core, by Job 28. The words in this passage were spoken by a righteous man named Job at a point of extreme loss and suffering in his life. Job’s words on wisdom, stated in the midst of confusing events, are reminding me of what asking for wisdom really means.

According to Job, asking for wisdom is somewhat like searching for earthly valuables.  The search for these earthly valuables—gold, iron, copper, ore—takes man deep into the dark recesses of the earth. It takes him to “places forgotten by the foot of man,” (v. 4) places unknown to the birds and proud beasts. It is hard work. Man must “[assault] the flinty rock and [lay] bare the roots of the mountains” (v.9) to find these earthly valuables. The search is intentional, purposeful, and difficult.  Yet, deemed worthy of effort when the earthly valuable is uncovered.

Like earthly valuables, Job recognizes man does not know where wisdom dwells or where it can be found. It too is “hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air” (v. 21). It is not in the deep, it is not in the sea. Although hidden like earthly valuables, Job sets wisdom apart by assigning it greater worth. Job says wisdom, “cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver . . . . neither gold nor crystal can compare with it . . . the price of wisdom is beyond rubies” (v.15-18). Four times he states wisdom cannot be compared with or bought with the finest gold. Job knows there is no price on wisdom.

Job also knows man “does not comprehend [wisdom’s] worth” (v. 13). If man understood wisdom was worth even more than earth's greatest valuables, would he not search for it even more intently than those? Would he not be deem it worthy of even more effort despite difficulties? Would he not be even more purposeful in his searching?

Ugh. I am challenged all over again writing this!

If I understood wisdom’s worth . . . IF . . . where would my search begin? Quotes by famous philosophers or stars? A magazine with “101 wise choices”? My friends? My family? The next “7 traits of wise people” article shared on my Facebook newsfeed? My favorite song lyrics? I have to admit I am searching all over this earth for something not of this earth. Job said,

“God understands the way to [wisdom] and he alone knows where it dwells for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. When he established the force of the wind and measured out the waters, when he made a decree for the rain and a path for the thunderstorm, then he looked at wisdom and appraised it; he confirmed it and tested it. And he said to man, ‘the fear of the Lord—that is wisdom. And to shun evil is understanding.’” Job 28:23-28

My search starts with God. To fear him I must know him. To know him I must seek him and shun evil.

I ask for wisdom from God a lot, but I forget that I have a role to search for it. Searching for wisdom is not natural. It requires going to places forgotten by the foot of man. It requires assaulting the flinty rock. It requires being intentional and purposeful. It requires time. It is difficult. Yet, worthy of the effort for it is more valuable than anything I could possibly comprehend. Practically, my search could mean going to God in prayer before going to a friend with my latest decision conundrum.  Perhaps, it might look like taking those five minutes of scrolling through Facebook to memorize a truth of scripture instead. Maybe, it means scheduling quiet time with God on my calendar like I would a date with a friend. My search might mean making different media or entertainment choices. It might even change how I spend my time.

It is going to cost. Valuable things always cost, but “wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost ALL you have, get understanding” Proverbs 4:7. No sacrifice is too great.

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"Jesus loves me"

Cross-legged, sitting on the floor, surrounded by three-year olds, I sing the words "Jesus loves me, this I know." A dozen little voices blend with mine. The words, so familiar to me, come without thinking, but for some of them it could be the first time they heard this truth. The truth that Jesus loves them.

I have heard the truth of Jesus' love for me so much I sometimes fail to remember what it really means. It becomes a statement I know, I say, but my heart forgets. What does it mean that Jesus loves us, that God loves us?

He died for us. -- "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He gives us life. -- "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

He sets us free. -- "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

He forgives us. -- "He does not create us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:10-12

He calls us his children. -- "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

He shares his sufferings and glory with us. -- "Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." Romans 8:17

He casts out fear. -- "God is love. . . . There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:16,18

He works for our good as we obey him. -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He disciplines us. -- "'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines this he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son'. . . . God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness." Hebrews 12:5-6,10

He gives us rest. -- "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

He watches over us. -- "The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy." Psalm 145:20

He provides for us. -- "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:31-33

He knows us. -- "O Lord you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar." Psalm 139:1-2

There is so much wrapped up in the way that God loves us. I didn't even cover all of it. Today, my heart needed to be reminded of these things. It needed to be reminded of how great the love is that he has lavished on us. It needed to be reminded of how to respond to such a love as this. Thank you Father for your great love.

Enemy of Change

My heart hurts. It always does when there is change. For as long as I can remember I have been an enemy of change. The very first time I heard of Peter Pan I was mesmerized, enchanted by the notion of not growing up and escaping change. Many nights of my life were spent staring out my bedroom window at the stars above wishing Peter would whisk me off to Neverland. I cried when I turned ten because I was in double digits. I cried when I turned sixteen because I couldn't remember all the details of my childhood. I cried when I left home for college and when I completed my undergraduate studies.

Change is both endings and beginnings and it is the endings I do not like so much, especially the endings with people. I'm not an extrovert. Never in my life have I been labeled a "social butterfly" or described as a people lover. My relationships are few, deep, sincere. When I let someone into my life I do not want to let them out. I want to be a friends for life. Twenty-five years of living have proved this to be hard to accomplish. There are distinct periods of time, chapters or seasons as some say, in life. Relationships come and go with these as change occurs. Even if a relationship is maintained through a variety of seasons or distances it is never quite the same.

A year ago I made a big change when I decided to teach overseas in Indonesia. It was hard, but I quickly found myself surrounded by wonderful people. Well, its July again and already my friends are returning to begin another school year. My heart hurts because I know it won't be the same. I will miss my friends and coworkers. I am not a short drive away as if I had moved towns. I am half a world away. No longer will I be able to just "live life" with them.

I use to think life held some permanent people--parents, siblings, spouses, perhaps best friends-- relationships that would always be the same. No matter what happened in life these people would be with you. However, I have come to realize even these relationships change. Siblings move apart and start families, spouses eventually pass away, and best friends get jobs in other parts of the country (or world). If this were it I'm sure I would be broke, holed up somewhere refusing to meet people or let anyone in my life, but its not.

I have and will always have God. He is constant. He is the rocky ocean cliffs against which the waves of change crash and the tides of relationships ebb in and out. Hebrews 13:5 states God's promise to us, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Jesus said in Matthew 28:20, "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." There is no distance that can separate us from God. Psalm 139:7-10,18b says,

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there; If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand hold me fast….when I awake I am still with you."

The very name God gave his son, Immanuel, means "God with us" (Matthew 1:23). He is with us through every season and chapter of life. David writes in Psalm 23 of both green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death saying of God, "you are with me." He is not beside, beneath, or above, but with us.  With him there is no separation, no goodbye.

Ever.

My soul rejoices!! There are no words to adequately express the gratitude which arises within me at this thought! He is with me! He is with us!!

While my heart hurts for the endings, I know this pain results only from the blessings of friendship I have received. My Jakarta SPH friends, I already miss you. Thank you for your friendship. You are in my prayers as you begin another school year. Know that God is with you. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;" Isaiah 41:10

The best department head ever, love her!

Best friend and college roomie forever!

Working, working, working, we love Starbucks :)

Teresa you can now officially hate me :)

Amazing math department coworkers, love these ladies!

Karaoke!

Going to Singapore

The huge wedding we attended. 

Six lovely women who shared the experience of the "first year"with me!

A Change of Direction

Tomorrow marks the end of my third year of teaching. I am always a bit sentimental or emotional at the close of a school year, but this year its a bit more than normal. This is it. Tomorrow is my last day of teaching. There won't be another school year, new class rosters of names to memorize, or bulletin boards to decorate. I will no longer be Miss Karissa. This isn't what I planned. My intentions were to teach for Sekolah Pelita Harapan for two years, yet here I am. 

In my short teaching career I have been a part of three different schools. I have taught in a public school. I have taught in a private school. I have taught in an international school. I have even taught night classes for a college. I have taught every grade level from 6th through college. My experiences, though shallow, are broad and the truth is I do not love teaching. This does not mean I do not love my students, I just do not love the job. . . the lesson plans, the grading, the classroom management, the hours of work after work. To be a teacher, a really good teacher, is difficult. It requires constant learning and growth. Really good teachers sacrifice their time and personal lives to invest in students beyond the classroom. They don't settle for giving assignments that are easy to grade, but rather develop the assignments that will grow, challenge, and change their students. Really good teachers are passionate. They absolutely love what they do; students can see it, feel it. If I'm going to be a teacher I don't want to be just a teacher, I want to be a really good teacher. I realize this doesn't happen overnight and I also realize that I do not have the desire to put forth the effort needed to get there. This has not been a light decision for me, in fact, continuing to teach would be a whole lot more comfortable and easy. However, I strongly believe students and the teaching profession deserve teachers who love what they do and are dedicated to growth. After all, the number one influencing factor in education is the teacher. 

As I finish out this year at Sekolah Pelita Harapan and even this season as a teacher, I feel privileged. I have not always felt qualified or worthy of the positions which I have held. Nevertheless, God appointed me to these positions and has seen me through in his strength. Graciously, He has allowed me to be a part of this high calling which shapes students' lives and impacts future generations. It is hard for me to fathom another job quite as purposeful as teaching. I pray in the last three years my students have seen and felt the love of Christ in my classroom. I hope they have known I care and want the very best for them. Oh, and of course, if they happen to learn some mathematics along the way that would be great too. 

I am reminded tonight that even though I planned to be in Indonesia two years, it is the Lord who determines my steps (Proverbs 16:9). James 4:13-15 says:

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”"

 So tomorrow I teach my last classes, Lord willing. I am changing direction. I do not know what July, August, or September will bring, but I know the God I serve. While I wait to hear His direction for my life, I praise Him for seeing me through the last three years. All praise, glory, and honor be unto Him.

The Little Things

There are six weeks left in the school year. Already, I've finished classes with my grade 12 students. Hallelujah! No more Calculus! For the next two weeks my grade 12 students will be writing their International Baccalaureate exams. Although the end of the school years seems so close, my desk is still piled high with papers to mark, curriculum projects to finish, exams to write, and review materials to prepare. Teaching at SPH this year has been a lot of work. Yet, despite the hours and hours of work I have often found an irrepressible thankfulness rising up in my heart. I am thankful for these little blessings:

• Six other single women whom have shared this journey of first year teaching in Indonesia
• Coworkers who are flexible, understanding, and dedicated
• A supportive community among fellow expatriates
• Living close to my best friend
• Having the opportunity to travel and see new places 
• Wearing a uniform so I no longer have to deliberate over outfits (really, but not really, I want my full closet back, haha!)
• Living within walking distance to the grocery store and anything else I should need
• Friends who also have to "work" after work
• Blue skies and sunshine when the smoggy Jakarta air lifts
• Air conditioning!
• Cheap tickets to the movies
• New friendships with people from all over the world
• Experiencing a life different than what I've always known
• Random holidays the government declares 
• Motor bike rides with the wind blowing in my face :)
• Beautiful city lights at night
• Learning about another culture and what they value
• Getting mail from home!
• Trying all sorts of new foods and increasing my "spicy" tolerance
• Dinners outside in the cool-ish evening air relaxing with friends
• Discovering bubble tea!
• Coffee shops that I can go work at when I'm unmotivated at home
• Capturing life on the other half of the world with my camera
• Encouraging words or notes from friends on rough days
• Candles to make my apartment seem like home
• 2+ hour spa appointments with friends that result in uplifting conversations
• Dinner multiple times a week with friends
• Friends who take me to karaoke on my "mandatory annual celebration of the aging process"
• Fresh flowers adorning my table

The list could go on and on. I was nervous when I moved to Indonesia. I was letting go and sacrificing a lot of things: being near family, sharing life with friends, living in a culture I understood, driving my AWESOME car . . . so many things. In my head I knew that God would take care of me, but today my heart knows it. These little blessings in the midst of this year's trials testify to it. This year God has provided for me physically, relationally, and spiritually in ways I could not have foreseen or imagined. 

In Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus states that we do not need to worry about what we eat, drink, or wear for God knows ALL our needs and will meet them. He says, "the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I was tempted to not come to Indonesia because I feared being lonely, living far away from loved ones, or not having certain physical comforts. Yet, God saw ALL my needs, even the ones I didn't know I had, and he met them. God is my shepherd who makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside quiet waters (Psalm 23:2). He is my provider.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Humbled

I felt it creep up my face, that all too familiar reddening of my cheeks. My pulse quickened. Then worst of all, my brain jumped on the usual merry-go-round of thoughts:

I thought I checked this? What is the student saying? Am I going to be able to answer their question? Oh, the student is looking at me, I should respond. Wait, what? Can they tell I'm flustered? Okay, come on, focus and actually think about the problem. What was the question again?

This is what happens in my brain sometimes. It use to happen all the time in college when the professor would randomly call on me in class. My brain checks out. Even if I was asked what color the sky was I wouldn't be able to answer! This is what happened today.

A student came to ask me about a question on a major exam. I thought I had checked the exam thoroughly, but I made an error. I made an error on another test today as well. I even failed to answer the questions my students asked me today in a timely manner so instead they asked their friends. Let's just say, today I was humbled. I was reminded of my inadequacies for the teaching position I currently hold. Yet . . . in the midst of this painful reminder and embarrassment I was reminded of something else.

I work in a community of grace. Despite the mistakes I seem to continually make, my co-workers have continued to be flexible, patient, and encouraging. It doesn't matter if it is the millionth time I walk into their room to ask them a clarifying question on a math concept, they still make time to help me. It doesn't have to be this way. Truly, I have been blessed by those I work with. I am so grateful for them!

Days like today make me want to throw in towel. I get so frustrated at myself. However, God in his sovereignty appointed me to this teaching position and had a plan in doing so. He knew my mistakes, inadequacies, and weaknesses, yet chose me to be a part of the math department at SPH. I felt today as if God was saying once again to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).  As much as I long to have it all together, to never have my brain check out, to have all my exams 100% perfect, that is not what I need. All I need is God's grace. Humbled, I look up and ask for God's power to be present in my weakness. I ask for the ability to perform well at my job for his glory, not mine.

No Place Like Home

I have these days, like today, where an irrepressible longing for home rises up in my soul. A longing to watch the last rays of sunshine dance across a clear sky before hiding behind the mountains. Or to walk the streets of my little town, tucked between fields of golden wheat. A longing to drive up to my parent's house wrapped in fog, windows glowing in the dark. To open the front door and be met with the scent of brownies wafting from the oven. A longing to feel arms wrapped lovingly, protectively around me. I have these days where this longing for home commands complete residency of my heart and mind. A thought about any other subject simply cannot reside. There is no section, no corner of my heart left, for other feelings to occupy. It is painfully full, threatening to burst without cure.

If only I were Dorothy so I might click my sparkly red heels and whisper, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." It's not that Indonesia is bad, in fact it is good in many ways, but its just not home. I am a foreigner, or as Indonesians say, a "bule." Try as I might, I do not fit in. Darn freckles and white skin. Indonesia holds parts of home with fellow college graduates, dear friends, and of course Jif peanut butter, but still it isn't home. I am not home, in fact, none of us are.

As children of God, this earth and all it holds, is not our home. Paul tells us that our citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20).  Through Christ's death we are "no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household . . . with Christ Jesus as the chief cornerstone" (Ephesians 2:19-20). We don't belong down here on earth. We won't fit in, we shouldn't fit in. Our lives should be so entirely different the world recognizes immediately we are foreigners. We are "aliens and strangers in the world" (1 Peter 2:11) set-apart for Christ. Earth may hold glimpses of heaven, but let us "not love the world or anything in the world . . . for the world and its desires [will] pass away" (1 John 2:15,17). May we wait in eager expectation, even groaning inwardly like creation, for the world to pass away. Our hearts, our minds, completely focused on that day. The day of "our adoption of sons, the redemption of our bodies" (Romans 8:23). The day we meet our Saviour. The day when we shall finally go home.

"But, our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." Philippians 3:20-21

I can't wait. Can you?

Riding on Top

It's Friday afternoon. The sun is almost cutting through the Jakarta haze and my step is light. I'm riding on top. No longer crushed under a pile of a million and one things, but rather sitting on top of pile of a million and one things. I don't know when it happened, but there came a day when I realized I was "making it" here in Jakarta.

Maybe it was the magical 6 month mark of living in a foreign country, or perhaps knowing how to get a taxi and buy groceries coming back from Christmas holiday. It could have been the day I ceased to feel that lingering sense of doubt when teaching my math classes. All of these are possibilities, but I think its because I'm further on this journey of letting go.

Contrary to my perfectionism, I'm not always 100% planned for class, my apartment sometimes goes more than a week without a mopping, I quit doing the homework I assign my students, and I now feel "ok" saying "I don't know" to a question a student asks. I even go out to take a picture of a man riding on top of garbage sacks on a Friday afternoon.

Why am I blogging about this? I want to praise God. I want to acknowledge his work in my life. I could be trapped in the label, the box, "perfectionist." After all, it is my natural tendency not something I chose, but I'm not! I want to thank God for not leaving me stuck there, but graciously helping me learn I can live outside the label. God is bigger than my characteristics.

I am also blogging about this because I want YOU to praise God! Many of you have been faithfully praying for me as I teach here in Indonesia. Well, God is answering your prayers. I am understanding more of the content and actually sleeping. On my best days, I even feel a little bit confident as a teacher :) So, thank YOU for praying and praise GOD for answering! With his grace being enough and his strength in my weaknesses, I'm riding on top.

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4

New Year, New Me

It's been two weeks, how are you doing on those New Year's resolutions? Do you find yourself losing determination? Lacking the motivation to carry out what you felt so strongly about just fourteen days ago? Or perhaps you are doing AWESOME because you didn't even make resolutions!

Lots of people choose not to make New Year's resolutions, they don't believe in them. Resolutions are seen as a waste of time and effort because the majority of them fail. Supposedly, a mere 8% of people successfully achieve their resolution (1). So then, if you can't keep it, why make it, right? Some are even suggesting that New Year's resolutions are bad for you because they damage your self-worth:

"If your New Year’s resolution is to eat less, but you have no plan in place — or even if you do have a plan and you fail — you will do damage to your sense of self-worth. If you already have a complicated relationship with food, your likely coping mechanism for failure is eating more food. Thus the New Year’s resolution to eat less can actually result in your eating more. " Jessica Lamb-Shapiro

It is true, nothing magical happens from December 31 to January 1, you are still the same person and because of this many people struggle. New Year's resolutions often fail because the changes desired are too abrupt, or too large (2). You start off the new year strong but as time passes your resolve weakens and soon you've failed. Due to this you may think you are weak, lacking in self-control. Next time, if you just try harder, if you just have more will power then you won't fail. After all, "where there's a will there's a way"...or is there?

In her book, Idols of the Heart Learning to Long for God Alone, Elyse Fitzpatrick addresses the topic of our wills and why our actions fail to meet our words.

"The difference between what we say and what we do is not because of our wills per se. Our wills are functioning the way they were meant to. The contradiction is between our words and our strongest desires. Our wills follow after the erroneous thoughts and sinful desires we delight in."

Our will is not broken. Quite the opposite is true, it is working in top notch condition choosing our strongest thoughts and desires. In fact, our will reveals what we believe will bring us the most happiness. It shows us what is going on in our mind (thoughts and beliefs) and in our heart (longings and desires).

"As you see, the problem is not that we need to develop more willpower. The problem is that we need new thoughts, new inclinations, and new desires. We don't need to learn how to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps or "gut it out." We need to seek to replace our sinful passions with holy ones. When God grants these new holy passions to us, we'll find that our will, which seemed so weak before, will joyfully comply." Elyse Fitzpatrick

Trying harder is not the solution to achieving your New Year's resolutions. It's not about fixing your will; its about fixing your beliefs, your affections, your mind. When your thinking changes your choices will change. This is what Paul discusses in Romans. He said, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" (Romans 8:5). He goes on to say, "Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is" (Romans 12:2). Living out the Spirit's desires, God's will, requires that the mind is renewed.

So how do we go about renewing our mind and changing our desires? I mean, it seems impossible that I could stop desiring chocolate. Well, Psalm 1 says a man does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers, because he delights in the law of the Lord and he meditates on it day and night. Psalm 119:11 says "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." It seems that what we fill our mind with will shape what we believe and desire. This is why we are encouraged to "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5) and replace it with what is true, nobel, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). It is truth that will set us free (John 8:32), renewing our mind and desires, to change our behavior.

Personally, I like New Year's resolutions. I think we are naturally wired for beginnings. There is a beginning every day with a sunrise, a beginning in all of the Mondays we dread, and after winter a thousand beginnings as the earth awakens. As Christians, we had a new beginning in Christ, the old life was gone and the new had come (2 Corinthians 5:17). Some day we will even have a new heaven and a new earth (Isaiah 65:17). Beginnings bring hope, thus its good for us to begin again each year with resolutions. After all, "if you aim at nothing you are sure to hit it."

With the first couple weeks of the year behind us, its only going to get more difficult to keep our resolutions. The majority of us will probably experience failure to some extent, but before we think, "If I just try harder..." or blame our will power, lets ask ourselves what we are thinking. What have we been filling our mind with lately?

Resources:
1. http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/
2. http://www.healthline.com/health-news/fitness-why-most-new-years-resolutions-fail-010214
3. Idols of the Heart Learning to Long for God Alone, Elyse Fitzpatrick
4. http://www.desiringgod.org/sermons/the-renewed-mind-and-how-to-have-it
5. http://www.khouse.org/articles/1996/277/
6. http://www.khouse.org/articles/1996/278/



 

I'll Be Home for Christmas!

I'll be home for Christmas

You can count on me

 Please have snow and mistletoe

And presents on the tree

This year I am receiving the best Christmas gift (other than Jesus) that I have ever received, a plane ticket home!! My holiday vacation is not very long, less than two weeks, but it will be well worth it. I fly out on Saturday and would appreciate your prayers as I have a lower back injury that is aggravated by prolonged sitting. Also, this will be my first time flying solo internationally :) 

It's been five months since I first arrived in Indonesia and I definitely haven't been able to spend as much time as what I had planned taking photos. However, I thought this would be a good opportunity to just share a little bit of what I've experienced and seen. 

Sunrise at Borobudur Temple, Jogja, Indonesia

Borobudur Temple

Worker in a silver factory

Lunch on the street

Everything, everything, is Hello Kitty, even in the taxis

Window looking out from the Old City Hall in Batavia

Sunset at Pramadan Temple, Jogja, Indonesia

Nasi Goreng, the most popular dish of Indonesia. This meal was under a dollar.

Tatoo artist at night market, Jogja, Indonesia

Dishes on the street

Street vendor

Transportation

Woman grating coconut in a courtyard

Blind man in the market

Typical squatting position

Sunset at Pramadan Temple, Jogja, Indonesia