Starving

My plate is full. I have hardly had a chance to breathe since starting the school year. I wake up, work, come home, and work some more. My life is school, more specifically math. Sometimes it seems as if every waking thought revolves around math. Even while brushing my teeth or doing the dishes I find my thoughts invaded by logarithms or trigonometry. . . . My plate is full, yet I'm starving.

I've been here before, this isn't new. This feeling of chaos, this unbalanced life. I have poured myself out so completely to something deemed important that other parts of my life have been neglected. I am exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually. 

How is it that I get to this point? I wake up one morning and I realize its been days, maybe even weeks since I stopped to sit and be still before the Lord. Rushed to make it to work my Bible remains on the  coffee table unopened. When I get home I eat dinner while planning a lesson and continue working until finally at 2 am my eyes give in to sleep. I'm giving, giving, giving to my job. At the end of the day I have nothing left. I'm worn. I'm tired.

I have these moments when it all just overwhelms me. When I am convinced there is nothing left inside of me to give. Not another hour, or another day. Work has taken and taken without replenishing. I'm seeking relief, a moment where I don't have to give. A moment where I can just be. An experience that will fill me back up, leaving me with some hope. My soul is yearning for rest.

Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" Matthew 11:28-29. Despite this promise, I find that when I am empty and worn I turn to everything but Jesus to be filled up. Maybe I turn on a movie, go talk with a friend, surf facebook, or throw myself into household chores. These momentarily distract me, but at the end of the day I am just as empty and worn. Isaiah 55:2 says, "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Why is it that I completely ignore what promises me the rest I am looking for? Perhaps its because inside I feel bad, or guilty that I haven't been spending time with God. Maybe its because I recognize that my priority and attention has shifted completely to my job? Then again, could it be that I feel it will be awkward because its been so long? Or that we have so much to catch up on it will take an entire day (which I don't have) to get it all out? Whatever the case, its not good enough. There is no excuse that should win out.

My mentor once told me, spending time with God is like eating. If you miss a meal, you don't skip the next, you go eat. I think this analogy can be taken even further. Initially, as the body is denied food only inward discomfort is experienced, but overtime the lack of nutrition is portrayed outwardly. Those neglecting to eat for long periods of time will bruise easily, grow fine hair all over the body, and develop brittle hair and nails. Finally, they will experience organ failure resulting in death. Right now I'm starving and its showing. Slowly I find myself becoming worried, impatient, irritable, negative, and stressed. I need to eat. James 4:7-10 says

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up." 

Jesus is beckoning me to come and rest. I have nothing to offer. I am so empty and so worn. I come weary, I come repentant, I come humble. I cannot continue on my own strength. I am wasting away as I pour out without return. It is effecting more than I would like to admit. I must eat.

I don't think I am alone. I don't think I'm the only one out there who is starving. It doesn't matter how long it's been, come and eat. Don't skip another meal. Let Jesus give you rest, real rest. Nothing else will fill you back up. Not friends, not families, not hobbies. "Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Please continue to pray for me that I would seek rest in the Lord and lean on him for strength.