Humbled

I felt it creep up my face, that all too familiar reddening of my cheeks. My pulse quickened. Then worst of all, my brain jumped on the usual merry-go-round of thoughts:

I thought I checked this? What is the student saying? Am I going to be able to answer their question? Oh, the student is looking at me, I should respond. Wait, what? Can they tell I'm flustered? Okay, come on, focus and actually think about the problem. What was the question again?

This is what happens in my brain sometimes. It use to happen all the time in college when the professor would randomly call on me in class. My brain checks out. Even if I was asked what color the sky was I wouldn't be able to answer! This is what happened today.

A student came to ask me about a question on a major exam. I thought I had checked the exam thoroughly, but I made an error. I made an error on another test today as well. I even failed to answer the questions my students asked me today in a timely manner so instead they asked their friends. Let's just say, today I was humbled. I was reminded of my inadequacies for the teaching position I currently hold. Yet . . . in the midst of this painful reminder and embarrassment I was reminded of something else.

I work in a community of grace. Despite the mistakes I seem to continually make, my co-workers have continued to be flexible, patient, and encouraging. It doesn't matter if it is the millionth time I walk into their room to ask them a clarifying question on a math concept, they still make time to help me. It doesn't have to be this way. Truly, I have been blessed by those I work with. I am so grateful for them!

Days like today make me want to throw in towel. I get so frustrated at myself. However, God in his sovereignty appointed me to this teaching position and had a plan in doing so. He knew my mistakes, inadequacies, and weaknesses, yet chose me to be a part of the math department at SPH. I felt today as if God was saying once again to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).  As much as I long to have it all together, to never have my brain check out, to have all my exams 100% perfect, that is not what I need. All I need is God's grace. Humbled, I look up and ask for God's power to be present in my weakness. I ask for the ability to perform well at my job for his glory, not mine.