I Got A Feeling

When I began this blog, I committed to sharing my reflections about what the Lord was teaching me. For quite awhile now something has been on my mind to share, but I haven't. Perhaps it's because I'm working on something a bit bigger. Perhaps. I think though, maybe deep down I know I haven't fully learned this lesson yet. This one is close to my heart . . . in fact, it's about my heart.

From the time I was small, my emotions have been known to the entire world. In another life, I am sure I would have been an actress. I have been known as the drama queen in my family and some days I feel as if my heart resides on my face, not in my chest. You can easily find me on cloud nine, attempting to dance in front of the bathroom mirror, head phones in and hair piled high on top of my head all crazy like. You can also find me talking loudly (okay maybe screaming) when stuck in stop and go traffic. Occasionally, you can find me staring silently out the window lost in thought contemplating life. I feel a feeling deeply and completely. This includes the good feelings, the so-so feelings, and the yucky feelings. All of them. 

Now I don't think feelings are wrong, by any means. I think God gave us our hearts and the ability to feel emotion. However, I have realized often my feelings, especially those yucky ones, don't stay in my heart. They worm their way into my thoughts and assault my mind. It happens when I'm tired, when I've had a bad day, or when I am going through something difficult. Once my feelings have seized control of my mind, they conquer my actions. My thoughts are the basis for my actions. Thus, in the end, it is my heart that has acted. 

I operate from my heart more than I would like to admit. The problem with this is that my feelings, although they are real and present, are not always based on truth. Jeremiah 17:9 calls the heart deceitful above all things and oh how my heart is not exempt from that statement! Time and time again my heart has misled me. It happens with a snowball-like effect. I get a feeling, or an emotional reaction to a situation. Initially, it is involuntary, but I choose to go right on feeling it because it seems valid to me, because it just feels so right! This feeling starts to snowball, growing exponentially as the cause for it is replayed over and over in my head. Sometimes snowballs of feelings collide, combine, and grow even faster. When left unstopped, my feelings have taken me to places I never intended to go. They have led me to incorrect thinking. They have led me to poor decision making. They have led me to isolation. They have distorted how I view myself and how I view God. 

It would be nice if I could just turn off my emotions, be a Spock, but I can't. So . . . what do I do with real feelings and a heart that can be deceitful? Well, Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Abraham, a friend of God, brought his feelings about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah to God. David all throughout the Psalms pours out his heart to God. Jesus, in the garden before his crucifixion, fell face to the ground to talk with God about his troubled heart. I believe we are called to bring our feelings to God. 

When I first began bringing my feelings to God I was really hesitant. I mean, my feelings, so intense and important to me, might just be nothing to him. Sometimes my own feelings seemed insignificant to me in light of the situations other people were facing. I thought maybe he would think that too. I wondered if God saw my feelings and if he would hear how I felt. Many times I flat out didn't want to bring my feelings to God. I wanted to hang on to them for days . . . months . . . years. Part of me thought if I brought my feelings to God it would mean they weren't justified. Like somehow the situation which brought forth those feelings did not warrant such a response. Honestly, I was terrified to even whisper my feelings, I didn't know what it would mean for me. I felt it might just be safer to hide them best I could. 

Then I met Hagar. Her story brought a revelation to my heart. The God who created the vast universe sees and hears me. My feelings were not insignificant to him. I knew from Hagar's story regardless of the situation which gave rise to my feelings, I would be heard and seen. I would be met where I was at, not to be chastised or condemned, but to freed by truth. Feelings come with chains. Feelings strip away hope. Feelings can lie. I also realized God saw and heard my feelings whether I brought them to him or not. Psalm 139 says God "[perceives] my thoughts from afar . . . before a word is on my tongue [he] knows it completely." Even though God's knowledge of my feelings only leaves me one choice, honesty, it still isn't easy. Hagar showed me that while God sees and hears my feelings, the cause of those feelings may not change. Still, he gently calls me to turn those feelings over to him, to trust. I don't get to hang on to them. 

This is hard for me. So very very hard.

I have spent many nights on my knees, face to the floor, tears streaming, wrestling to bring my feelings to God. I know it is what I should do, but often it is not what I want to do. Sometimes all I can muster is praying for the desire to bring my feelings to God. My pride gets in the way. I do not want to surrender. It's hard giving up what feels real or right. My heart wants to trust itself and not God. Yet, time has taught me the wrestling, the struggle, is worth it. There is an exchange that takes place, feelings for truth. It is truth that brings freedom and peace. Philippians 4:6-8 says, 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." 

My yucky feelings are not true or right or lovely or any of those things. Not once have they brought me peace. However, when I have brought my feelings to God during life's roughest moments, I have experienced unexplainable peace. Exchanging my feelings for truth has brought me hope.

Four years ago I began learning how to give my feelings to God and still it is a daily battle for me. I thank God for placing a woman after his heart in my life to gently encourage me to seek out truth instead of relying on what I felt. She encouraged me to bring my feelings to Jesus: "I feel {INSERT FEELING}, but I know {INSERT TRUTH}." It has been some of the most powerful advice I have ever received. 

I may feel feelings more intensely and frequently than other people, but at some point everyone walks through a place where their feelings lead and they operate from their heart. Even today you may feel . . . alone, fearful, angry, bitter, hopeless, guilty, sad, embarrassed, numb, hurt, betrayed, frustrated, worthless, shameful, unloveable, inadequate, weak, confused, abandoned, purposeless, entitled, lost, stuck, hopeless. I want you to know that bringing your feelings to God is not being weak, it's being strong. I want you to know that I understand just how hard it is to give up what feels right. I want you to know you will never ever regret laying down those heavy feelings so you can pick up truth. You can have freedom.