Valentine's Day and the Beach

It was Valentine's Day 2015. I had planned on spending some time with Him, just the two of us. So late in the afternoon, I grabbed my jacket and headed out for a walk. Like always I started talking . . . and talking . . . but at the top of the hill He interrupted me and what He said brought me to tears. Not the bad kind, but the good kind.

It had been almost seven months since I had returned home from Indonesia and over a year since I had made the decision to leave . . . the decision to break my two year contract. Back in June, with my position unfilled and my coworkers taking on extra loads, leaving was difficult to say the least. I remember walking along on the edge of the Indian Ocean heavy with guilt, but feeling like a couldn't change the decision I had made. As the waves washed over my feet, I felt the Lord confirming his love for me despite the mistake I may have made. That June evening should have been the end of it, but it wasn't. I spent the next seven months analyzing the motives that drove my decision. Seven months wondering if I should have stayed the full two years. Seven months torn apart by guilt, haunted by regret.

So there I was on Valentine's Day walking up that hill carrying over seven months of guilt and apologizing to God for the hundredth time when He interrupted me. How long will you live in this guilt? What is this regret doing for me? How can you move forward to what I have for you when you keep looking behind you? Think about Paul, if he had continued to live in the guilt of his life as Saul he could never have served me the way he did. Have I not forgiven you? Has not the price for your sin already been paid? Let this go. Look forward.

Tears. The good kind.

For over seven months I had been somehow trying to "pay" for what I felt was a mistake. It was like somehow if I just felt guilty enough I could make up for it. The problem was, my guilt didn't seem to ever become equivalent to my mistake. It didn't somehow undo what had been done. My regret grew, it became heavier, it became suffocating. All of this was self-imposed, not from the Lord.

The truth is, God forgives our sins the first time we ask. In 1 John, a book focused on God's love, it says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." There is no other requirement than confession. It doesn't say IF you feel guilty enough or IF you are full of regret. No amount of guilt or regret can pay the price for our sin because the "the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23a). Only Jesus' death on the cross can pay for our mistakes (Hebrews 7:26-28). All we need to do is confess. Continuing to live in guilt actually rejects Jesus' death as if it is not enough.

Why am I writing about this over a year later? Because my decision to leave Indonesia is not the first decision or action I have questioned or felt regret over for an extended amount of time. No, I have quite a few and I don't often forget them. They haunt me. My mistakes are resurrected when I face a life decision. I have this fear I will repeat my past.

Last August I went to the beach. I was weighing a life decision and needed to get away. The decision making process was frustrating to me. My regrets and fears, were preventing me from moving forward in a decision. I wanted to do the right thing. I thought about Indonesia. I thought about Valentine's Day. I thought about Paul. Of all people, Paul, could have been paralyzed by his past and fear. Before becoming sold out for Jesus, he was persecuting Jesus. He could have lived in guilt over his mistakes for years. He could have been paralyzed by fear of what others would think, of his own well-being, or of leaving everything he had known. His past and his fears did not stop him though. Instead in Philippians 3:13-14 he said, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Paul could not have moved forward if he had lived in his past.

I decided on Valentine's Day to let go and look forward, but at the beach I made that same choice for all other regrets haunting me. I was encouraged by Paul, to forget what was behind and strain toward what is ahead. Maybe you are walking around weighed down with guilt apologizing to God for the hundredth time. Or perhaps you are paralyzed by your mistakes and fears. Has not God forgiven you?   Has not the price for your sin already been paid? Let go. Look forward.