In the Boat

The air is cool and the sound of my feet striding on the gravel is loud to the awakening world. I went running to clear my head, to get away, to think. It's October. It's fall, a new season. Summer has been sweet, sweeter than I could have ever imagined. There was no big event or special occasion that made it so sweet, it was just the small moments. Moments like exploring a skyline forest road with my parents, picking huckleberries on a warm afternoon, working out with my mom, having heart to heart conversations with my grandparents, running (literally) to the store for cabbage with my sister, canoeing the Deschutes river with my family, biking in the cool summer air, riding in the wheat truck with my dad, going to the drive-in, playing volleyball in the backyard, picking raspberries with my grandma in her garden . . . . I have felt blessed beyond words for these moments. Yet, as the leaves begin to change I feel a change in my life as well. I need to make some decisions. On my run, I remembered a passage I read this last spring about the calling of the first disciples (Luke 5:1-11). It seemed just as relevant to me on my run as it did four months ago in Jakarta.

The passage starts off with Jesus standing by the Lake of Gennesaret with people crowding around him "listening to the word of God." By the shore, Simon, a fisherman, was washing his nets. Jesus sees Simon's empty boat, gets in and asks Simon to put out a little from the shore. Then Jesus continues teaching the crowd from the boat. When I read this I saw Simon. He willingly submitted his belonging (boat) and followed Jesus' request. Simon didn't let his work, the washing of his nets, stop him from helping or listening to Jesus. He put himself in a position to hear the word of God by taking Jesus out in the boat. Simon was  front and center listening to Jesus teach. He would have heard everything.

After he finishes teaching, Jesus makes a another request asking Simon to "Put out into deep water and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answers by calling Jesus "Master." I haven't studied this word, but it seems as if Simon is recognizing Jesus' authority. He also responds to Jesus' request answering, "because you say so." Simon was the fisherman, not Jesus. It was his occupation, his skill, his livelihood. Yet, Simon submits any prideful thoughts or motivations his has and does what Jesus asks. He does this even though the request was somewhat illogical and outside of the normal. I don't believe it is coincidence that Simon submits and recognizes Jesus' authority after hearing him teach!

When Simon lets down his nets, he catches more fish than his boat could carry, more than even two boats could carry. Simon stepped out in obedience, even though it was illogical, and Jesus followed through. If he had allowed his prideful thinking to win out, trusting in his own knowledge and understanding of the world, he wouldn't have experienced Jesus' power and authority. Simon ends up falling at Jesus' knee saying, "Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man!" Once again, Simon refers to Jesus with a term of authority. He is so in awe of who Jesus is he doesn't even feel worthy to remain in his presence! In kneeling, Simon physically demonstrates his position in relationship to Jesus.

It is at this moment Jesus tells Simon not to be afraid. Jesus did not display his power and authority to frighten Simon, but to call him. Simon could not have left everything if he did not first understand his position in relationship to Jesus. He had to be humble. He had to understand just how small he was and how big Jesus was. When Simon understood this he left everything willingly! His job, the fish he had just caught, nothing got in his way. Jesus had to become everything to Simon before he was willing to do anything.

As I look to make decisions and to follow Christ I realize I must be guided by these truths. To follow Christ's calling in my life I must:

1. Put myself in a position to hear the word of God
2. Lay down my pride and submit (belongings, thinking, and actions)
3. Step out in faith believing in who God is and his promises
4. Elevate God and humble myself

I need to place myself in a position to hear from God's word. Not from the crowd, but from the boat, like Simon. I need to stop washing my nets and get in the boat. It is only then that I will realize who God is and who I am. It is only then I will be able to follow him. Even though I am not in Jakarta, I would appreciate your prayers! 

Enemy of Change

My heart hurts. It always does when there is change. For as long as I can remember I have been an enemy of change. The very first time I heard of Peter Pan I was mesmerized, enchanted by the notion of not growing up and escaping change. Many nights of my life were spent staring out my bedroom window at the stars above wishing Peter would whisk me off to Neverland. I cried when I turned ten because I was in double digits. I cried when I turned sixteen because I couldn't remember all the details of my childhood. I cried when I left home for college and when I completed my undergraduate studies.

Change is both endings and beginnings and it is the endings I do not like so much, especially the endings with people. I'm not an extrovert. Never in my life have I been labeled a "social butterfly" or described as a people lover. My relationships are few, deep, sincere. When I let someone into my life I do not want to let them out. I want to be a friends for life. Twenty-five years of living have proved this to be hard to accomplish. There are distinct periods of time, chapters or seasons as some say, in life. Relationships come and go with these as change occurs. Even if a relationship is maintained through a variety of seasons or distances it is never quite the same.

A year ago I made a big change when I decided to teach overseas in Indonesia. It was hard, but I quickly found myself surrounded by wonderful people. Well, its July again and already my friends are returning to begin another school year. My heart hurts because I know it won't be the same. I will miss my friends and coworkers. I am not a short drive away as if I had moved towns. I am half a world away. No longer will I be able to just "live life" with them.

I use to think life held some permanent people--parents, siblings, spouses, perhaps best friends-- relationships that would always be the same. No matter what happened in life these people would be with you. However, I have come to realize even these relationships change. Siblings move apart and start families, spouses eventually pass away, and best friends get jobs in other parts of the country (or world). If this were it I'm sure I would be broke, holed up somewhere refusing to meet people or let anyone in my life, but its not.

I have and will always have God. He is constant. He is the rocky ocean cliffs against which the waves of change crash and the tides of relationships ebb in and out. Hebrews 13:5 states God's promise to us, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Jesus said in Matthew 28:20, "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." There is no distance that can separate us from God. Psalm 139:7-10,18b says,

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there; If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand hold me fast….when I awake I am still with you."

The very name God gave his son, Immanuel, means "God with us" (Matthew 1:23). He is with us through every season and chapter of life. David writes in Psalm 23 of both green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death saying of God, "you are with me." He is not beside, beneath, or above, but with us.  With him there is no separation, no goodbye.

Ever.

My soul rejoices!! There are no words to adequately express the gratitude which arises within me at this thought! He is with me! He is with us!!

While my heart hurts for the endings, I know this pain results only from the blessings of friendship I have received. My Jakarta SPH friends, I already miss you. Thank you for your friendship. You are in my prayers as you begin another school year. Know that God is with you. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;" Isaiah 41:10

The best department head ever, love her!

Best friend and college roomie forever!

Working, working, working, we love Starbucks :)

Teresa you can now officially hate me :)

Amazing math department coworkers, love these ladies!

Karaoke!

Going to Singapore

The huge wedding we attended. 

Six lovely women who shared the experience of the "first year"with me!

A Change of Direction

Tomorrow marks the end of my third year of teaching. I am always a bit sentimental or emotional at the close of a school year, but this year its a bit more than normal. This is it. Tomorrow is my last day of teaching. There won't be another school year, new class rosters of names to memorize, or bulletin boards to decorate. I will no longer be Miss Karissa. This isn't what I planned. My intentions were to teach for Sekolah Pelita Harapan for two years, yet here I am. 

In my short teaching career I have been a part of three different schools. I have taught in a public school. I have taught in a private school. I have taught in an international school. I have even taught night classes for a college. I have taught every grade level from 6th through college. My experiences, though shallow, are broad and the truth is I do not love teaching. This does not mean I do not love my students, I just do not love the job. . . the lesson plans, the grading, the classroom management, the hours of work after work. To be a teacher, a really good teacher, is difficult. It requires constant learning and growth. Really good teachers sacrifice their time and personal lives to invest in students beyond the classroom. They don't settle for giving assignments that are easy to grade, but rather develop the assignments that will grow, challenge, and change their students. Really good teachers are passionate. They absolutely love what they do; students can see it, feel it. If I'm going to be a teacher I don't want to be just a teacher, I want to be a really good teacher. I realize this doesn't happen overnight and I also realize that I do not have the desire to put forth the effort needed to get there. This has not been a light decision for me, in fact, continuing to teach would be a whole lot more comfortable and easy. However, I strongly believe students and the teaching profession deserve teachers who love what they do and are dedicated to growth. After all, the number one influencing factor in education is the teacher. 

As I finish out this year at Sekolah Pelita Harapan and even this season as a teacher, I feel privileged. I have not always felt qualified or worthy of the positions which I have held. Nevertheless, God appointed me to these positions and has seen me through in his strength. Graciously, He has allowed me to be a part of this high calling which shapes students' lives and impacts future generations. It is hard for me to fathom another job quite as purposeful as teaching. I pray in the last three years my students have seen and felt the love of Christ in my classroom. I hope they have known I care and want the very best for them. Oh, and of course, if they happen to learn some mathematics along the way that would be great too. 

I am reminded tonight that even though I planned to be in Indonesia two years, it is the Lord who determines my steps (Proverbs 16:9). James 4:13-15 says:

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”"

 So tomorrow I teach my last classes, Lord willing. I am changing direction. I do not know what July, August, or September will bring, but I know the God I serve. While I wait to hear His direction for my life, I praise Him for seeing me through the last three years. All praise, glory, and honor be unto Him.

The Little Things

There are six weeks left in the school year. Already, I've finished classes with my grade 12 students. Hallelujah! No more Calculus! For the next two weeks my grade 12 students will be writing their International Baccalaureate exams. Although the end of the school years seems so close, my desk is still piled high with papers to mark, curriculum projects to finish, exams to write, and review materials to prepare. Teaching at SPH this year has been a lot of work. Yet, despite the hours and hours of work I have often found an irrepressible thankfulness rising up in my heart. I am thankful for these little blessings:

• Six other single women whom have shared this journey of first year teaching in Indonesia
• Coworkers who are flexible, understanding, and dedicated
• A supportive community among fellow expatriates
• Living close to my best friend
• Having the opportunity to travel and see new places 
• Wearing a uniform so I no longer have to deliberate over outfits (really, but not really, I want my full closet back, haha!)
• Living within walking distance to the grocery store and anything else I should need
• Friends who also have to "work" after work
• Blue skies and sunshine when the smoggy Jakarta air lifts
• Air conditioning!
• Cheap tickets to the movies
• New friendships with people from all over the world
• Experiencing a life different than what I've always known
• Random holidays the government declares 
• Motor bike rides with the wind blowing in my face :)
• Beautiful city lights at night
• Learning about another culture and what they value
• Getting mail from home!
• Trying all sorts of new foods and increasing my "spicy" tolerance
• Dinners outside in the cool-ish evening air relaxing with friends
• Discovering bubble tea!
• Coffee shops that I can go work at when I'm unmotivated at home
• Capturing life on the other half of the world with my camera
• Encouraging words or notes from friends on rough days
• Candles to make my apartment seem like home
• 2+ hour spa appointments with friends that result in uplifting conversations
• Dinner multiple times a week with friends
• Friends who take me to karaoke on my "mandatory annual celebration of the aging process"
• Fresh flowers adorning my table

The list could go on and on. I was nervous when I moved to Indonesia. I was letting go and sacrificing a lot of things: being near family, sharing life with friends, living in a culture I understood, driving my AWESOME car . . . so many things. In my head I knew that God would take care of me, but today my heart knows it. These little blessings in the midst of this year's trials testify to it. This year God has provided for me physically, relationally, and spiritually in ways I could not have foreseen or imagined. 

In Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus states that we do not need to worry about what we eat, drink, or wear for God knows ALL our needs and will meet them. He says, "the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I was tempted to not come to Indonesia because I feared being lonely, living far away from loved ones, or not having certain physical comforts. Yet, God saw ALL my needs, even the ones I didn't know I had, and he met them. God is my shepherd who makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside quiet waters (Psalm 23:2). He is my provider.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Space to Breathe

Living here on the other side of the world teaching for SPH schools, has given me the opportunity to experience more than I ever imagined in life. For example, this week during Easter holiday I am in Bali! Not only is that AMAZING, but . . . I get to travel with my best friend and her husband!! Today we began exploring Bali by visiting one of it's many temples Uluwatu. While I can't say much for the temple itself, the view from the cliffs was utterly breathtaking. There at the top of the cliffs there is space to breathe. Check it out.

Temple on a cliff

We are together in Bali, what?!? 

Random doors at the temple

Aren't they cute?

There were monkeys around the temple

I use to think all baby animals were cute . . . 

This is how I feel sometimes at the end of a teaching day, haha

Humbled

I felt it creep up my face, that all too familiar reddening of my cheeks. My pulse quickened. Then worst of all, my brain jumped on the usual merry-go-round of thoughts:

I thought I checked this? What is the student saying? Am I going to be able to answer their question? Oh, the student is looking at me, I should respond. Wait, what? Can they tell I'm flustered? Okay, come on, focus and actually think about the problem. What was the question again?

This is what happens in my brain sometimes. It use to happen all the time in college when the professor would randomly call on me in class. My brain checks out. Even if I was asked what color the sky was I wouldn't be able to answer! This is what happened today.

A student came to ask me about a question on a major exam. I thought I had checked the exam thoroughly, but I made an error. I made an error on another test today as well. I even failed to answer the questions my students asked me today in a timely manner so instead they asked their friends. Let's just say, today I was humbled. I was reminded of my inadequacies for the teaching position I currently hold. Yet . . . in the midst of this painful reminder and embarrassment I was reminded of something else.

I work in a community of grace. Despite the mistakes I seem to continually make, my co-workers have continued to be flexible, patient, and encouraging. It doesn't matter if it is the millionth time I walk into their room to ask them a clarifying question on a math concept, they still make time to help me. It doesn't have to be this way. Truly, I have been blessed by those I work with. I am so grateful for them!

Days like today make me want to throw in towel. I get so frustrated at myself. However, God in his sovereignty appointed me to this teaching position and had a plan in doing so. He knew my mistakes, inadequacies, and weaknesses, yet chose me to be a part of the math department at SPH. I felt today as if God was saying once again to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).  As much as I long to have it all together, to never have my brain check out, to have all my exams 100% perfect, that is not what I need. All I need is God's grace. Humbled, I look up and ask for God's power to be present in my weakness. I ask for the ability to perform well at my job for his glory, not mine.

One Small Victory

It's Wednesday night and as I sit down to type this I definitely have lessons to be planning and papers to be grading, but I want to stop for a moment to thank God. This afternoon I ran 4 miles. Being a collegiate cross country runner, this would have seemed like nothing at one point in my life, but today it was EVERYTHING. 

I shared on my prayer request page that I had been battling an injury. This last September my hips were somehow thrown out of alignment causing a significant amount of pain in my lower back. At one point this meant walking, sitting, and even standing were uncomfortable to me. I tried exercising (aka running), but of course this only caused inflammation and increased pain. At Christmas time, I was able to receive physical therapy and chiropractic help to align my hips. Since January I have slowly been making a come back. The steps have been small and frustrating. My back still gives me occasional discomfort and I am continuing my physical therapy exercises, but today felt like a victory. 

I once said I thought not being able to run would rank among the top three worst things that could ever happen to me in life. Probably not true, but it's certainly up there. It has not been easy. Running is much more than exercise to me. I am so glad to be lacing up my shoes and heading out to run again. The smile it puts on my face is kind of ridiculous . . . but I just can't help it :) I am blessed. I am thankful.

So if you have been praying for healing, you can now start praising (along with praying for complete recovery)! Thank you God for giving me a healthy body and the ability to run!! Okay, back to the school work . . . 

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. "

 1 Corinthians 10:31