Freedom

FEAR. Almost three years ago I realized just how much of a driving force those four little letters were in my life – and I do mean my life (all of it).  All the way back to grade school Spirit Week. . . . I was dressed up for Opposite/Clash Day. I looked pretty crazy with my braid and ponytail, two different shoes, and every fingernail painted a different color.  I walked in the Cafeteria before school and the lunch room lady asks me what dress up day it is saying she thought it was some other day. Boom. FEAR. I didn’t want to go to class. I didn’t want to be dressed up for the wrong day! Everyone would make fun of me! However, I couldn’t turn around and go home, so I went. Thankfully, it was Opposite/Clash Day and I even won a prize for my outfit. But . . . FEAR made me bring extra clothes to school every Spirit Week until I graduated college (and maybe into my teaching career…).

Over the last three years I have begun to understand how fear affects my thinking, decisions, and actions.  Often fear has been at the root of my emotional turmoil or rash actions. Fear has left me frustrated, suffocated, and paralyzed. Rick Warren calls fear a “self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be.” A prison. Yep. Self-imposed. Wait, self-imposed??

I think for the longest time I just kind of subconsciously accepted that I struggled with fear. It was like somehow my recognition of that struggle made it OK for me to continue on it. Not that I wanted to intentionally live out fear, but many days I felt powerless to conquer it. It seemed impossible that there could be a life outside of fear. I mean, it had been part of my life long before I even realized it was. My dad started praying for me almost three years ago to have freedom from fear. I was super thankful for his prayers, but honestly, deep down I didn’t feel like I would ever have freedom. My heart had forgotten the God it served.

Over the last few months, I feel that God has been reminding me of who He is. Even this last week, I was reminded of who God is while grading Bible tests (yes I am teaching again, long story) over the book of Mark. Students were explaining what one of the miracles Jesus performed taught them about God and their answers, while simple, spoke straight to my heart. The God who calmed a storm with a few words, healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, and made the lame walk is powerful and authoritative. If Jesus can heal someone from a physical birth defect, can he not heal us from our spiritual and personality defects?!? Can he not set me free from my fear? Can he not set us free from our struggles? From our self-imposed prisons that seem impossible to break out of?  Already he has conquered sin and death! Already he has given us everything we need to walk in freedom and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Has he not promised to continue the good work he started in us (Philippians 1:6-7)?  Isn’t it Christ who lives IN us (Galations 2:20)?

There is no past, no struggle, no label, no personality trait, we have to continue to live in. God’s desire is not for those things to take us captive. He wants freedom for us. He died so we could be free! He did not die for us to continue living in these prisons (1 Peter 2:24). It is in His will for us to live out this freedom so I know it will happen. Get out!

Wow. I’m just soaking this in again. Tonight I’m continuing to call on God for His power, His victory, His freedom and maybe, just maybe, this year during Spirit Week I’ll leave that change of clothes at home.

Maybe.

Even More

Today was one of those days where I found myself asking God for wisdom. In fact, I have been asking for wisdom a lot recently. It has almost become a ritual done without thought.  The last two weeks I have been challenged, to my very core, by Job 28. The words in this passage were spoken by a righteous man named Job at a point of extreme loss and suffering in his life. Job’s words on wisdom, stated in the midst of confusing events, are reminding me of what asking for wisdom really means.

According to Job, asking for wisdom is somewhat like searching for earthly valuables.  The search for these earthly valuables—gold, iron, copper, ore—takes man deep into the dark recesses of the earth. It takes him to “places forgotten by the foot of man,” (v. 4) places unknown to the birds and proud beasts. It is hard work. Man must “[assault] the flinty rock and [lay] bare the roots of the mountains” (v.9) to find these earthly valuables. The search is intentional, purposeful, and difficult.  Yet, deemed worthy of effort when the earthly valuable is uncovered.

Like earthly valuables, Job recognizes man does not know where wisdom dwells or where it can be found. It too is “hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air” (v. 21). It is not in the deep, it is not in the sea. Although hidden like earthly valuables, Job sets wisdom apart by assigning it greater worth. Job says wisdom, “cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver . . . . neither gold nor crystal can compare with it . . . the price of wisdom is beyond rubies” (v.15-18). Four times he states wisdom cannot be compared with or bought with the finest gold. Job knows there is no price on wisdom.

Job also knows man “does not comprehend [wisdom’s] worth” (v. 13). If man understood wisdom was worth even more than earth's greatest valuables, would he not search for it even more intently than those? Would he not be deem it worthy of even more effort despite difficulties? Would he not be even more purposeful in his searching?

Ugh. I am challenged all over again writing this!

If I understood wisdom’s worth . . . IF . . . where would my search begin? Quotes by famous philosophers or stars? A magazine with “101 wise choices”? My friends? My family? The next “7 traits of wise people” article shared on my Facebook newsfeed? My favorite song lyrics? I have to admit I am searching all over this earth for something not of this earth. Job said,

“God understands the way to [wisdom] and he alone knows where it dwells for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. When he established the force of the wind and measured out the waters, when he made a decree for the rain and a path for the thunderstorm, then he looked at wisdom and appraised it; he confirmed it and tested it. And he said to man, ‘the fear of the Lord—that is wisdom. And to shun evil is understanding.’” Job 28:23-28

My search starts with God. To fear him I must know him. To know him I must seek him and shun evil.

I ask for wisdom from God a lot, but I forget that I have a role to search for it. Searching for wisdom is not natural. It requires going to places forgotten by the foot of man. It requires assaulting the flinty rock. It requires being intentional and purposeful. It requires time. It is difficult. Yet, worthy of the effort for it is more valuable than anything I could possibly comprehend. Practically, my search could mean going to God in prayer before going to a friend with my latest decision conundrum.  Perhaps, it might look like taking those five minutes of scrolling through Facebook to memorize a truth of scripture instead. Maybe, it means scheduling quiet time with God on my calendar like I would a date with a friend. My search might mean making different media or entertainment choices. It might even change how I spend my time.

It is going to cost. Valuable things always cost, but “wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost ALL you have, get understanding” Proverbs 4:7. No sacrifice is too great.

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I Got A Feeling

When I began this blog, I committed to sharing my reflections about what the Lord was teaching me. For quite awhile now something has been on my mind to share, but I haven't. Perhaps it's because I'm working on something a bit bigger. Perhaps. I think though, maybe deep down I know I haven't fully learned this lesson yet. This one is close to my heart . . . in fact, it's about my heart.

From the time I was small, my emotions have been known to the entire world. In another life, I am sure I would have been an actress. I have been known as the drama queen in my family and some days I feel as if my heart resides on my face, not in my chest. You can easily find me on cloud nine, attempting to dance in front of the bathroom mirror, head phones in and hair piled high on top of my head all crazy like. You can also find me talking loudly (okay maybe screaming) when stuck in stop and go traffic. Occasionally, you can find me staring silently out the window lost in thought contemplating life. I feel a feeling deeply and completely. This includes the good feelings, the so-so feelings, and the yucky feelings. All of them. 

Now I don't think feelings are wrong, by any means. I think God gave us our hearts and the ability to feel emotion. However, I have realized often my feelings, especially those yucky ones, don't stay in my heart. They worm their way into my thoughts and assault my mind. It happens when I'm tired, when I've had a bad day, or when I am going through something difficult. Once my feelings have seized control of my mind, they conquer my actions. My thoughts are the basis for my actions. Thus, in the end, it is my heart that has acted. 

I operate from my heart more than I would like to admit. The problem with this is that my feelings, although they are real and present, are not always based on truth. Jeremiah 17:9 calls the heart deceitful above all things and oh how my heart is not exempt from that statement! Time and time again my heart has misled me. It happens with a snowball-like effect. I get a feeling, or an emotional reaction to a situation. Initially, it is involuntary, but I choose to go right on feeling it because it seems valid to me, because it just feels so right! This feeling starts to snowball, growing exponentially as the cause for it is replayed over and over in my head. Sometimes snowballs of feelings collide, combine, and grow even faster. When left unstopped, my feelings have taken me to places I never intended to go. They have led me to incorrect thinking. They have led me to poor decision making. They have led me to isolation. They have distorted how I view myself and how I view God. 

It would be nice if I could just turn off my emotions, be a Spock, but I can't. So . . . what do I do with real feelings and a heart that can be deceitful? Well, Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Abraham, a friend of God, brought his feelings about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah to God. David all throughout the Psalms pours out his heart to God. Jesus, in the garden before his crucifixion, fell face to the ground to talk with God about his troubled heart. I believe we are called to bring our feelings to God. 

When I first began bringing my feelings to God I was really hesitant. I mean, my feelings, so intense and important to me, might just be nothing to him. Sometimes my own feelings seemed insignificant to me in light of the situations other people were facing. I thought maybe he would think that too. I wondered if God saw my feelings and if he would hear how I felt. Many times I flat out didn't want to bring my feelings to God. I wanted to hang on to them for days . . . months . . . years. Part of me thought if I brought my feelings to God it would mean they weren't justified. Like somehow the situation which brought forth those feelings did not warrant such a response. Honestly, I was terrified to even whisper my feelings, I didn't know what it would mean for me. I felt it might just be safer to hide them best I could. 

Then I met Hagar. Her story brought a revelation to my heart. The God who created the vast universe sees and hears me. My feelings were not insignificant to him. I knew from Hagar's story regardless of the situation which gave rise to my feelings, I would be heard and seen. I would be met where I was at, not to be chastised or condemned, but to freed by truth. Feelings come with chains. Feelings strip away hope. Feelings can lie. I also realized God saw and heard my feelings whether I brought them to him or not. Psalm 139 says God "[perceives] my thoughts from afar . . . before a word is on my tongue [he] knows it completely." Even though God's knowledge of my feelings only leaves me one choice, honesty, it still isn't easy. Hagar showed me that while God sees and hears my feelings, the cause of those feelings may not change. Still, he gently calls me to turn those feelings over to him, to trust. I don't get to hang on to them. 

This is hard for me. So very very hard.

I have spent many nights on my knees, face to the floor, tears streaming, wrestling to bring my feelings to God. I know it is what I should do, but often it is not what I want to do. Sometimes all I can muster is praying for the desire to bring my feelings to God. My pride gets in the way. I do not want to surrender. It's hard giving up what feels real or right. My heart wants to trust itself and not God. Yet, time has taught me the wrestling, the struggle, is worth it. There is an exchange that takes place, feelings for truth. It is truth that brings freedom and peace. Philippians 4:6-8 says, 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." 

My yucky feelings are not true or right or lovely or any of those things. Not once have they brought me peace. However, when I have brought my feelings to God during life's roughest moments, I have experienced unexplainable peace. Exchanging my feelings for truth has brought me hope.

Four years ago I began learning how to give my feelings to God and still it is a daily battle for me. I thank God for placing a woman after his heart in my life to gently encourage me to seek out truth instead of relying on what I felt. She encouraged me to bring my feelings to Jesus: "I feel {INSERT FEELING}, but I know {INSERT TRUTH}." It has been some of the most powerful advice I have ever received. 

I may feel feelings more intensely and frequently than other people, but at some point everyone walks through a place where their feelings lead and they operate from their heart. Even today you may feel . . . alone, fearful, angry, bitter, hopeless, guilty, sad, embarrassed, numb, hurt, betrayed, frustrated, worthless, shameful, unloveable, inadequate, weak, confused, abandoned, purposeless, entitled, lost, stuck, hopeless. I want you to know that bringing your feelings to God is not being weak, it's being strong. I want you to know that I understand just how hard it is to give up what feels right. I want you to know you will never ever regret laying down those heavy feelings so you can pick up truth. You can have freedom.

"Jesus loves me"

Cross-legged, sitting on the floor, surrounded by three-year olds, I sing the words "Jesus loves me, this I know." A dozen little voices blend with mine. The words, so familiar to me, come without thinking, but for some of them it could be the first time they heard this truth. The truth that Jesus loves them.

I have heard the truth of Jesus' love for me so much I sometimes fail to remember what it really means. It becomes a statement I know, I say, but my heart forgets. What does it mean that Jesus loves us, that God loves us?

He died for us. -- "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He gives us life. -- "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

He sets us free. -- "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

He forgives us. -- "He does not create us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:10-12

He calls us his children. -- "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

He shares his sufferings and glory with us. -- "Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." Romans 8:17

He casts out fear. -- "God is love. . . . There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:16,18

He works for our good as we obey him. -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He disciplines us. -- "'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines this he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son'. . . . God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness." Hebrews 12:5-6,10

He gives us rest. -- "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

He watches over us. -- "The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy." Psalm 145:20

He provides for us. -- "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:31-33

He knows us. -- "O Lord you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar." Psalm 139:1-2

There is so much wrapped up in the way that God loves us. I didn't even cover all of it. Today, my heart needed to be reminded of these things. It needed to be reminded of how great the love is that he has lavished on us. It needed to be reminded of how to respond to such a love as this. Thank you Father for your great love.

In the Boat

The air is cool and the sound of my feet striding on the gravel is loud to the awakening world. I went running to clear my head, to get away, to think. It's October. It's fall, a new season. Summer has been sweet, sweeter than I could have ever imagined. There was no big event or special occasion that made it so sweet, it was just the small moments. Moments like exploring a skyline forest road with my parents, picking huckleberries on a warm afternoon, working out with my mom, having heart to heart conversations with my grandparents, running (literally) to the store for cabbage with my sister, canoeing the Deschutes river with my family, biking in the cool summer air, riding in the wheat truck with my dad, going to the drive-in, playing volleyball in the backyard, picking raspberries with my grandma in her garden . . . . I have felt blessed beyond words for these moments. Yet, as the leaves begin to change I feel a change in my life as well. I need to make some decisions. On my run, I remembered a passage I read this last spring about the calling of the first disciples (Luke 5:1-11). It seemed just as relevant to me on my run as it did four months ago in Jakarta.

The passage starts off with Jesus standing by the Lake of Gennesaret with people crowding around him "listening to the word of God." By the shore, Simon, a fisherman, was washing his nets. Jesus sees Simon's empty boat, gets in and asks Simon to put out a little from the shore. Then Jesus continues teaching the crowd from the boat. When I read this I saw Simon. He willingly submitted his belonging (boat) and followed Jesus' request. Simon didn't let his work, the washing of his nets, stop him from helping or listening to Jesus. He put himself in a position to hear the word of God by taking Jesus out in the boat. Simon was  front and center listening to Jesus teach. He would have heard everything.

After he finishes teaching, Jesus makes a another request asking Simon to "Put out into deep water and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answers by calling Jesus "Master." I haven't studied this word, but it seems as if Simon is recognizing Jesus' authority. He also responds to Jesus' request answering, "because you say so." Simon was the fisherman, not Jesus. It was his occupation, his skill, his livelihood. Yet, Simon submits any prideful thoughts or motivations his has and does what Jesus asks. He does this even though the request was somewhat illogical and outside of the normal. I don't believe it is coincidence that Simon submits and recognizes Jesus' authority after hearing him teach!

When Simon lets down his nets, he catches more fish than his boat could carry, more than even two boats could carry. Simon stepped out in obedience, even though it was illogical, and Jesus followed through. If he had allowed his prideful thinking to win out, trusting in his own knowledge and understanding of the world, he wouldn't have experienced Jesus' power and authority. Simon ends up falling at Jesus' knee saying, "Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man!" Once again, Simon refers to Jesus with a term of authority. He is so in awe of who Jesus is he doesn't even feel worthy to remain in his presence! In kneeling, Simon physically demonstrates his position in relationship to Jesus.

It is at this moment Jesus tells Simon not to be afraid. Jesus did not display his power and authority to frighten Simon, but to call him. Simon could not have left everything if he did not first understand his position in relationship to Jesus. He had to be humble. He had to understand just how small he was and how big Jesus was. When Simon understood this he left everything willingly! His job, the fish he had just caught, nothing got in his way. Jesus had to become everything to Simon before he was willing to do anything.

As I look to make decisions and to follow Christ I realize I must be guided by these truths. To follow Christ's calling in my life I must:

1. Put myself in a position to hear the word of God
2. Lay down my pride and submit (belongings, thinking, and actions)
3. Step out in faith believing in who God is and his promises
4. Elevate God and humble myself

I need to place myself in a position to hear from God's word. Not from the crowd, but from the boat, like Simon. I need to stop washing my nets and get in the boat. It is only then that I will realize who God is and who I am. It is only then I will be able to follow him. Even though I am not in Jakarta, I would appreciate your prayers! 

Enemy of Change

My heart hurts. It always does when there is change. For as long as I can remember I have been an enemy of change. The very first time I heard of Peter Pan I was mesmerized, enchanted by the notion of not growing up and escaping change. Many nights of my life were spent staring out my bedroom window at the stars above wishing Peter would whisk me off to Neverland. I cried when I turned ten because I was in double digits. I cried when I turned sixteen because I couldn't remember all the details of my childhood. I cried when I left home for college and when I completed my undergraduate studies.

Change is both endings and beginnings and it is the endings I do not like so much, especially the endings with people. I'm not an extrovert. Never in my life have I been labeled a "social butterfly" or described as a people lover. My relationships are few, deep, sincere. When I let someone into my life I do not want to let them out. I want to be a friends for life. Twenty-five years of living have proved this to be hard to accomplish. There are distinct periods of time, chapters or seasons as some say, in life. Relationships come and go with these as change occurs. Even if a relationship is maintained through a variety of seasons or distances it is never quite the same.

A year ago I made a big change when I decided to teach overseas in Indonesia. It was hard, but I quickly found myself surrounded by wonderful people. Well, its July again and already my friends are returning to begin another school year. My heart hurts because I know it won't be the same. I will miss my friends and coworkers. I am not a short drive away as if I had moved towns. I am half a world away. No longer will I be able to just "live life" with them.

I use to think life held some permanent people--parents, siblings, spouses, perhaps best friends-- relationships that would always be the same. No matter what happened in life these people would be with you. However, I have come to realize even these relationships change. Siblings move apart and start families, spouses eventually pass away, and best friends get jobs in other parts of the country (or world). If this were it I'm sure I would be broke, holed up somewhere refusing to meet people or let anyone in my life, but its not.

I have and will always have God. He is constant. He is the rocky ocean cliffs against which the waves of change crash and the tides of relationships ebb in and out. Hebrews 13:5 states God's promise to us, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Jesus said in Matthew 28:20, "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." There is no distance that can separate us from God. Psalm 139:7-10,18b says,

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there; If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand hold me fast….when I awake I am still with you."

The very name God gave his son, Immanuel, means "God with us" (Matthew 1:23). He is with us through every season and chapter of life. David writes in Psalm 23 of both green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death saying of God, "you are with me." He is not beside, beneath, or above, but with us.  With him there is no separation, no goodbye.

Ever.

My soul rejoices!! There are no words to adequately express the gratitude which arises within me at this thought! He is with me! He is with us!!

While my heart hurts for the endings, I know this pain results only from the blessings of friendship I have received. My Jakarta SPH friends, I already miss you. Thank you for your friendship. You are in my prayers as you begin another school year. Know that God is with you. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;" Isaiah 41:10

The best department head ever, love her!

Best friend and college roomie forever!

Working, working, working, we love Starbucks :)

Teresa you can now officially hate me :)

Amazing math department coworkers, love these ladies!

Karaoke!

Going to Singapore

The huge wedding we attended. 

Six lovely women who shared the experience of the "first year"with me!

A Change of Direction

Tomorrow marks the end of my third year of teaching. I am always a bit sentimental or emotional at the close of a school year, but this year its a bit more than normal. This is it. Tomorrow is my last day of teaching. There won't be another school year, new class rosters of names to memorize, or bulletin boards to decorate. I will no longer be Miss Karissa. This isn't what I planned. My intentions were to teach for Sekolah Pelita Harapan for two years, yet here I am. 

In my short teaching career I have been a part of three different schools. I have taught in a public school. I have taught in a private school. I have taught in an international school. I have even taught night classes for a college. I have taught every grade level from 6th through college. My experiences, though shallow, are broad and the truth is I do not love teaching. This does not mean I do not love my students, I just do not love the job. . . the lesson plans, the grading, the classroom management, the hours of work after work. To be a teacher, a really good teacher, is difficult. It requires constant learning and growth. Really good teachers sacrifice their time and personal lives to invest in students beyond the classroom. They don't settle for giving assignments that are easy to grade, but rather develop the assignments that will grow, challenge, and change their students. Really good teachers are passionate. They absolutely love what they do; students can see it, feel it. If I'm going to be a teacher I don't want to be just a teacher, I want to be a really good teacher. I realize this doesn't happen overnight and I also realize that I do not have the desire to put forth the effort needed to get there. This has not been a light decision for me, in fact, continuing to teach would be a whole lot more comfortable and easy. However, I strongly believe students and the teaching profession deserve teachers who love what they do and are dedicated to growth. After all, the number one influencing factor in education is the teacher. 

As I finish out this year at Sekolah Pelita Harapan and even this season as a teacher, I feel privileged. I have not always felt qualified or worthy of the positions which I have held. Nevertheless, God appointed me to these positions and has seen me through in his strength. Graciously, He has allowed me to be a part of this high calling which shapes students' lives and impacts future generations. It is hard for me to fathom another job quite as purposeful as teaching. I pray in the last three years my students have seen and felt the love of Christ in my classroom. I hope they have known I care and want the very best for them. Oh, and of course, if they happen to learn some mathematics along the way that would be great too. 

I am reminded tonight that even though I planned to be in Indonesia two years, it is the Lord who determines my steps (Proverbs 16:9). James 4:13-15 says:

"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”"

 So tomorrow I teach my last classes, Lord willing. I am changing direction. I do not know what July, August, or September will bring, but I know the God I serve. While I wait to hear His direction for my life, I praise Him for seeing me through the last three years. All praise, glory, and honor be unto Him.