Like A Wave

They say your 20's is the most important decade of your life. In your 20's almost 80% of life defining moments happen. It's the decade people determine their career, relationships, and personality. What they say, well, it's true. If I could choose just one word to describe my life after college it would be: CHANGE.

I remember taking that first full-time job. I planned to work there for at least five years. I hoped to get married, settle down, have a family. My plan was efficient, direct, but life has turned out so differently than I ever imagined. Five years, six jobs, seven living situations, four churches, international living, my belongings boxed up, hellos, goodbyes . . . change, so much change. Job or housing applications make me cringe a little. I don't remember addresses from four years ago. My walls are blank. It is easier to just not put something up. Besides, I have become somewhat of a minimalist. The less I have, the easier it is to move. I stopped making plans years ago. I have become flexible and adaptable. My mantra has been, "If I'm here." Life has not been direct, it's been . . . well, messy. 

Every year since graduating I have had to make life defining decisions. I would never have considered myself "restless" or "adventurous." I do not feel as if I sought out change because I needed it or liked it. It just happened. Making these life defining decisions has never been easy for me. Right now, today, as I type, I am in the midst of making yet another life defining decision. There is more change coming and it's not easy. I have been anxious, fearful, frustrated, confused, and lost. In these moments, I am great at recognizing my lack of wisdom and asking God for it, but I am not so great at having faith. James 1:5-8, says we need to do both.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." 

Some days I am that wave, that double-minded man. Some days I doubt I will receive the wisdom I am asking for. Some days my anxiety trumps my trust. Some days my fears drown out my belief. This double-mindedness, this wavering, causes me to ride an emotional roller coaster. I become that wave tossed about by circumstances (wind). If circumstances don't seem to be in my favor I am filled with doubt and anxiety. If circumstances seem to be looking up I am filled with trust. It is a restless place to be in. It is tiring. There is no wisdom to be found going back and forth between trust and doubt. This is why James says the double-minded man receives nothing and is unstable in all his ways.

John MacArthur defines the faith James talks about as believing, confident prayer. As Christians, we sometimes pray without knowing what God's answer will be. However, when we pray for wisdom we know exactly what the answer will be! James say, wisdom will be given to he who asks because God gives generously to all without reproach. Of all the prayers to have belief and confidence in, it should be the prayer for wisdom! John MacAurthur says of the double-minded man: "They literally are unwilling to cash in the resources that God has provided in their spiritual account. And they receive nothing. And so they may go on and on and on in the misery of that trial. Never knowing the resolution immediately available to them through faithful persistent trusting prayer in God."

So tonight I sit here wondering, how do I have more faith when I am asking for wisdom? How do I avoid being that wave tossed about by my circumstances? How do I find peace, rest, and confidence in the midst of life defining decisions and change?!?  Philippians 4:6-8 says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." 

Paul, the writer of Philippians, says to pray with thanksgiving. James says to count it joy when we meet trials because the testing of our faith produces steadfastness and that steadfastness makes us perfect and complete. These life defining decisions I seem to continually face are opportunities to grow my faith and make me more like Christ. Ultimately, that is the goal in life, so I can be thankful for them. Secondly, in the midst of these life defining decisions I should be turning my thoughts to what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent . . . instead of the what-ifs, my past regrets, and the unknown future. I have the most peace when I remember God's sovereignty and his promises.

I don't want to be that wave. I don't want to be tossed about to and fro by circumstances. I want to cry out with believing, confident prayer (faith). I want to trust that this messy life in my eyes is a beautifully intricate design in God's sovereignty. I want to believe God will give me the wisdom I need to make yet another life defining decision.

Dear God, thank you for giving me an opportunity to grow in my faith. Thank you for the opportunities you have laid before me. You are my provider, you are good, and you are faithful. Most of all, you are with me. I ask for wisdom and thank you in advance for giving it to me! I trust you.

Valentine's Day and the Beach

It was Valentine's Day 2015. I had planned on spending some time with Him, just the two of us. So late in the afternoon, I grabbed my jacket and headed out for a walk. Like always I started talking . . . and talking . . . but at the top of the hill He interrupted me and what He said brought me to tears. Not the bad kind, but the good kind.

It had been almost seven months since I had returned home from Indonesia and over a year since I had made the decision to leave . . . the decision to break my two year contract. Back in June, with my position unfilled and my coworkers taking on extra loads, leaving was difficult to say the least. I remember walking along on the edge of the Indian Ocean heavy with guilt, but feeling like a couldn't change the decision I had made. As the waves washed over my feet, I felt the Lord confirming his love for me despite the mistake I may have made. That June evening should have been the end of it, but it wasn't. I spent the next seven months analyzing the motives that drove my decision. Seven months wondering if I should have stayed the full two years. Seven months torn apart by guilt, haunted by regret.

So there I was on Valentine's Day walking up that hill carrying over seven months of guilt and apologizing to God for the hundredth time when He interrupted me. How long will you live in this guilt? What is this regret doing for me? How can you move forward to what I have for you when you keep looking behind you? Think about Paul, if he had continued to live in the guilt of his life as Saul he could never have served me the way he did. Have I not forgiven you? Has not the price for your sin already been paid? Let this go. Look forward.

Tears. The good kind.

For over seven months I had been somehow trying to "pay" for what I felt was a mistake. It was like somehow if I just felt guilty enough I could make up for it. The problem was, my guilt didn't seem to ever become equivalent to my mistake. It didn't somehow undo what had been done. My regret grew, it became heavier, it became suffocating. All of this was self-imposed, not from the Lord.

The truth is, God forgives our sins the first time we ask. In 1 John, a book focused on God's love, it says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." There is no other requirement than confession. It doesn't say IF you feel guilty enough or IF you are full of regret. No amount of guilt or regret can pay the price for our sin because the "the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23a). Only Jesus' death on the cross can pay for our mistakes (Hebrews 7:26-28). All we need to do is confess. Continuing to live in guilt actually rejects Jesus' death as if it is not enough.

Why am I writing about this over a year later? Because my decision to leave Indonesia is not the first decision or action I have questioned or felt regret over for an extended amount of time. No, I have quite a few and I don't often forget them. They haunt me. My mistakes are resurrected when I face a life decision. I have this fear I will repeat my past.

Last August I went to the beach. I was weighing a life decision and needed to get away. The decision making process was frustrating to me. My regrets and fears, were preventing me from moving forward in a decision. I wanted to do the right thing. I thought about Indonesia. I thought about Valentine's Day. I thought about Paul. Of all people, Paul, could have been paralyzed by his past and fear. Before becoming sold out for Jesus, he was persecuting Jesus. He could have lived in guilt over his mistakes for years. He could have been paralyzed by fear of what others would think, of his own well-being, or of leaving everything he had known. His past and his fears did not stop him though. Instead in Philippians 3:13-14 he said, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Paul could not have moved forward if he had lived in his past.

I decided on Valentine's Day to let go and look forward, but at the beach I made that same choice for all other regrets haunting me. I was encouraged by Paul, to forget what was behind and strain toward what is ahead. Maybe you are walking around weighed down with guilt apologizing to God for the hundredth time. Or perhaps you are paralyzed by your mistakes and fears. Has not God forgiven you?   Has not the price for your sin already been paid? Let go. Look forward.

Freedom

FEAR. Almost three years ago I realized just how much of a driving force those four little letters were in my life – and I do mean my life (all of it).  All the way back to grade school Spirit Week. . . . I was dressed up for Opposite/Clash Day. I looked pretty crazy with my braid and ponytail, two different shoes, and every fingernail painted a different color.  I walked in the Cafeteria before school and the lunch room lady asks me what dress up day it is saying she thought it was some other day. Boom. FEAR. I didn’t want to go to class. I didn’t want to be dressed up for the wrong day! Everyone would make fun of me! However, I couldn’t turn around and go home, so I went. Thankfully, it was Opposite/Clash Day and I even won a prize for my outfit. But . . . FEAR made me bring extra clothes to school every Spirit Week until I graduated college (and maybe into my teaching career…).

Over the last three years I have begun to understand how fear affects my thinking, decisions, and actions.  Often fear has been at the root of my emotional turmoil or rash actions. Fear has left me frustrated, suffocated, and paralyzed. Rick Warren calls fear a “self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be.” A prison. Yep. Self-imposed. Wait, self-imposed??

I think for the longest time I just kind of subconsciously accepted that I struggled with fear. It was like somehow my recognition of that struggle made it OK for me to continue on it. Not that I wanted to intentionally live out fear, but many days I felt powerless to conquer it. It seemed impossible that there could be a life outside of fear. I mean, it had been part of my life long before I even realized it was. My dad started praying for me almost three years ago to have freedom from fear. I was super thankful for his prayers, but honestly, deep down I didn’t feel like I would ever have freedom. My heart had forgotten the God it served.

Over the last few months, I feel that God has been reminding me of who He is. Even this last week, I was reminded of who God is while grading Bible tests (yes I am teaching again, long story) over the book of Mark. Students were explaining what one of the miracles Jesus performed taught them about God and their answers, while simple, spoke straight to my heart. The God who calmed a storm with a few words, healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, and made the lame walk is powerful and authoritative. If Jesus can heal someone from a physical birth defect, can he not heal us from our spiritual and personality defects?!? Can he not set me free from my fear? Can he not set us free from our struggles? From our self-imposed prisons that seem impossible to break out of?  Already he has conquered sin and death! Already he has given us everything we need to walk in freedom and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Has he not promised to continue the good work he started in us (Philippians 1:6-7)?  Isn’t it Christ who lives IN us (Galations 2:20)?

There is no past, no struggle, no label, no personality trait, we have to continue to live in. God’s desire is not for those things to take us captive. He wants freedom for us. He died so we could be free! He did not die for us to continue living in these prisons (1 Peter 2:24). It is in His will for us to live out this freedom so I know it will happen. Get out!

Wow. I’m just soaking this in again. Tonight I’m continuing to call on God for His power, His victory, His freedom and maybe, just maybe, this year during Spirit Week I’ll leave that change of clothes at home.

Maybe.

Even More

Today was one of those days where I found myself asking God for wisdom. In fact, I have been asking for wisdom a lot recently. It has almost become a ritual done without thought.  The last two weeks I have been challenged, to my very core, by Job 28. The words in this passage were spoken by a righteous man named Job at a point of extreme loss and suffering in his life. Job’s words on wisdom, stated in the midst of confusing events, are reminding me of what asking for wisdom really means.

According to Job, asking for wisdom is somewhat like searching for earthly valuables.  The search for these earthly valuables—gold, iron, copper, ore—takes man deep into the dark recesses of the earth. It takes him to “places forgotten by the foot of man,” (v. 4) places unknown to the birds and proud beasts. It is hard work. Man must “[assault] the flinty rock and [lay] bare the roots of the mountains” (v.9) to find these earthly valuables. The search is intentional, purposeful, and difficult.  Yet, deemed worthy of effort when the earthly valuable is uncovered.

Like earthly valuables, Job recognizes man does not know where wisdom dwells or where it can be found. It too is “hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air” (v. 21). It is not in the deep, it is not in the sea. Although hidden like earthly valuables, Job sets wisdom apart by assigning it greater worth. Job says wisdom, “cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver . . . . neither gold nor crystal can compare with it . . . the price of wisdom is beyond rubies” (v.15-18). Four times he states wisdom cannot be compared with or bought with the finest gold. Job knows there is no price on wisdom.

Job also knows man “does not comprehend [wisdom’s] worth” (v. 13). If man understood wisdom was worth even more than earth's greatest valuables, would he not search for it even more intently than those? Would he not be deem it worthy of even more effort despite difficulties? Would he not be even more purposeful in his searching?

Ugh. I am challenged all over again writing this!

If I understood wisdom’s worth . . . IF . . . where would my search begin? Quotes by famous philosophers or stars? A magazine with “101 wise choices”? My friends? My family? The next “7 traits of wise people” article shared on my Facebook newsfeed? My favorite song lyrics? I have to admit I am searching all over this earth for something not of this earth. Job said,

“God understands the way to [wisdom] and he alone knows where it dwells for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. When he established the force of the wind and measured out the waters, when he made a decree for the rain and a path for the thunderstorm, then he looked at wisdom and appraised it; he confirmed it and tested it. And he said to man, ‘the fear of the Lord—that is wisdom. And to shun evil is understanding.’” Job 28:23-28

My search starts with God. To fear him I must know him. To know him I must seek him and shun evil.

I ask for wisdom from God a lot, but I forget that I have a role to search for it. Searching for wisdom is not natural. It requires going to places forgotten by the foot of man. It requires assaulting the flinty rock. It requires being intentional and purposeful. It requires time. It is difficult. Yet, worthy of the effort for it is more valuable than anything I could possibly comprehend. Practically, my search could mean going to God in prayer before going to a friend with my latest decision conundrum.  Perhaps, it might look like taking those five minutes of scrolling through Facebook to memorize a truth of scripture instead. Maybe, it means scheduling quiet time with God on my calendar like I would a date with a friend. My search might mean making different media or entertainment choices. It might even change how I spend my time.

It is going to cost. Valuable things always cost, but “wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost ALL you have, get understanding” Proverbs 4:7. No sacrifice is too great.

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I Got A Feeling

When I began this blog, I committed to sharing my reflections about what the Lord was teaching me. For quite awhile now something has been on my mind to share, but I haven't. Perhaps it's because I'm working on something a bit bigger. Perhaps. I think though, maybe deep down I know I haven't fully learned this lesson yet. This one is close to my heart . . . in fact, it's about my heart.

From the time I was small, my emotions have been known to the entire world. In another life, I am sure I would have been an actress. I have been known as the drama queen in my family and some days I feel as if my heart resides on my face, not in my chest. You can easily find me on cloud nine, attempting to dance in front of the bathroom mirror, head phones in and hair piled high on top of my head all crazy like. You can also find me talking loudly (okay maybe screaming) when stuck in stop and go traffic. Occasionally, you can find me staring silently out the window lost in thought contemplating life. I feel a feeling deeply and completely. This includes the good feelings, the so-so feelings, and the yucky feelings. All of them. 

Now I don't think feelings are wrong, by any means. I think God gave us our hearts and the ability to feel emotion. However, I have realized often my feelings, especially those yucky ones, don't stay in my heart. They worm their way into my thoughts and assault my mind. It happens when I'm tired, when I've had a bad day, or when I am going through something difficult. Once my feelings have seized control of my mind, they conquer my actions. My thoughts are the basis for my actions. Thus, in the end, it is my heart that has acted. 

I operate from my heart more than I would like to admit. The problem with this is that my feelings, although they are real and present, are not always based on truth. Jeremiah 17:9 calls the heart deceitful above all things and oh how my heart is not exempt from that statement! Time and time again my heart has misled me. It happens with a snowball-like effect. I get a feeling, or an emotional reaction to a situation. Initially, it is involuntary, but I choose to go right on feeling it because it seems valid to me, because it just feels so right! This feeling starts to snowball, growing exponentially as the cause for it is replayed over and over in my head. Sometimes snowballs of feelings collide, combine, and grow even faster. When left unstopped, my feelings have taken me to places I never intended to go. They have led me to incorrect thinking. They have led me to poor decision making. They have led me to isolation. They have distorted how I view myself and how I view God. 

It would be nice if I could just turn off my emotions, be a Spock, but I can't. So . . . what do I do with real feelings and a heart that can be deceitful? Well, Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Abraham, a friend of God, brought his feelings about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah to God. David all throughout the Psalms pours out his heart to God. Jesus, in the garden before his crucifixion, fell face to the ground to talk with God about his troubled heart. I believe we are called to bring our feelings to God. 

When I first began bringing my feelings to God I was really hesitant. I mean, my feelings, so intense and important to me, might just be nothing to him. Sometimes my own feelings seemed insignificant to me in light of the situations other people were facing. I thought maybe he would think that too. I wondered if God saw my feelings and if he would hear how I felt. Many times I flat out didn't want to bring my feelings to God. I wanted to hang on to them for days . . . months . . . years. Part of me thought if I brought my feelings to God it would mean they weren't justified. Like somehow the situation which brought forth those feelings did not warrant such a response. Honestly, I was terrified to even whisper my feelings, I didn't know what it would mean for me. I felt it might just be safer to hide them best I could. 

Then I met Hagar. Her story brought a revelation to my heart. The God who created the vast universe sees and hears me. My feelings were not insignificant to him. I knew from Hagar's story regardless of the situation which gave rise to my feelings, I would be heard and seen. I would be met where I was at, not to be chastised or condemned, but to freed by truth. Feelings come with chains. Feelings strip away hope. Feelings can lie. I also realized God saw and heard my feelings whether I brought them to him or not. Psalm 139 says God "[perceives] my thoughts from afar . . . before a word is on my tongue [he] knows it completely." Even though God's knowledge of my feelings only leaves me one choice, honesty, it still isn't easy. Hagar showed me that while God sees and hears my feelings, the cause of those feelings may not change. Still, he gently calls me to turn those feelings over to him, to trust. I don't get to hang on to them. 

This is hard for me. So very very hard.

I have spent many nights on my knees, face to the floor, tears streaming, wrestling to bring my feelings to God. I know it is what I should do, but often it is not what I want to do. Sometimes all I can muster is praying for the desire to bring my feelings to God. My pride gets in the way. I do not want to surrender. It's hard giving up what feels real or right. My heart wants to trust itself and not God. Yet, time has taught me the wrestling, the struggle, is worth it. There is an exchange that takes place, feelings for truth. It is truth that brings freedom and peace. Philippians 4:6-8 says, 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." 

My yucky feelings are not true or right or lovely or any of those things. Not once have they brought me peace. However, when I have brought my feelings to God during life's roughest moments, I have experienced unexplainable peace. Exchanging my feelings for truth has brought me hope.

Four years ago I began learning how to give my feelings to God and still it is a daily battle for me. I thank God for placing a woman after his heart in my life to gently encourage me to seek out truth instead of relying on what I felt. She encouraged me to bring my feelings to Jesus: "I feel {INSERT FEELING}, but I know {INSERT TRUTH}." It has been some of the most powerful advice I have ever received. 

I may feel feelings more intensely and frequently than other people, but at some point everyone walks through a place where their feelings lead and they operate from their heart. Even today you may feel . . . alone, fearful, angry, bitter, hopeless, guilty, sad, embarrassed, numb, hurt, betrayed, frustrated, worthless, shameful, unloveable, inadequate, weak, confused, abandoned, purposeless, entitled, lost, stuck, hopeless. I want you to know that bringing your feelings to God is not being weak, it's being strong. I want you to know that I understand just how hard it is to give up what feels right. I want you to know you will never ever regret laying down those heavy feelings so you can pick up truth. You can have freedom.

"Jesus loves me"

Cross-legged, sitting on the floor, surrounded by three-year olds, I sing the words "Jesus loves me, this I know." A dozen little voices blend with mine. The words, so familiar to me, come without thinking, but for some of them it could be the first time they heard this truth. The truth that Jesus loves them.

I have heard the truth of Jesus' love for me so much I sometimes fail to remember what it really means. It becomes a statement I know, I say, but my heart forgets. What does it mean that Jesus loves us, that God loves us?

He died for us. -- "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

He gives us life. -- "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

He sets us free. -- "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

He forgives us. -- "He does not create us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:10-12

He calls us his children. -- "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

He shares his sufferings and glory with us. -- "Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." Romans 8:17

He casts out fear. -- "God is love. . . . There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." 1 John 4:16,18

He works for our good as we obey him. -- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He disciplines us. -- "'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines this he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son'. . . . God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness." Hebrews 12:5-6,10

He gives us rest. -- "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

He watches over us. -- "The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy." Psalm 145:20

He provides for us. -- "So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:31-33

He knows us. -- "O Lord you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar." Psalm 139:1-2

There is so much wrapped up in the way that God loves us. I didn't even cover all of it. Today, my heart needed to be reminded of these things. It needed to be reminded of how great the love is that he has lavished on us. It needed to be reminded of how to respond to such a love as this. Thank you Father for your great love.

In the Boat

The air is cool and the sound of my feet striding on the gravel is loud to the awakening world. I went running to clear my head, to get away, to think. It's October. It's fall, a new season. Summer has been sweet, sweeter than I could have ever imagined. There was no big event or special occasion that made it so sweet, it was just the small moments. Moments like exploring a skyline forest road with my parents, picking huckleberries on a warm afternoon, working out with my mom, having heart to heart conversations with my grandparents, running (literally) to the store for cabbage with my sister, canoeing the Deschutes river with my family, biking in the cool summer air, riding in the wheat truck with my dad, going to the drive-in, playing volleyball in the backyard, picking raspberries with my grandma in her garden . . . . I have felt blessed beyond words for these moments. Yet, as the leaves begin to change I feel a change in my life as well. I need to make some decisions. On my run, I remembered a passage I read this last spring about the calling of the first disciples (Luke 5:1-11). It seemed just as relevant to me on my run as it did four months ago in Jakarta.

The passage starts off with Jesus standing by the Lake of Gennesaret with people crowding around him "listening to the word of God." By the shore, Simon, a fisherman, was washing his nets. Jesus sees Simon's empty boat, gets in and asks Simon to put out a little from the shore. Then Jesus continues teaching the crowd from the boat. When I read this I saw Simon. He willingly submitted his belonging (boat) and followed Jesus' request. Simon didn't let his work, the washing of his nets, stop him from helping or listening to Jesus. He put himself in a position to hear the word of God by taking Jesus out in the boat. Simon was  front and center listening to Jesus teach. He would have heard everything.

After he finishes teaching, Jesus makes a another request asking Simon to "Put out into deep water and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answers by calling Jesus "Master." I haven't studied this word, but it seems as if Simon is recognizing Jesus' authority. He also responds to Jesus' request answering, "because you say so." Simon was the fisherman, not Jesus. It was his occupation, his skill, his livelihood. Yet, Simon submits any prideful thoughts or motivations his has and does what Jesus asks. He does this even though the request was somewhat illogical and outside of the normal. I don't believe it is coincidence that Simon submits and recognizes Jesus' authority after hearing him teach!

When Simon lets down his nets, he catches more fish than his boat could carry, more than even two boats could carry. Simon stepped out in obedience, even though it was illogical, and Jesus followed through. If he had allowed his prideful thinking to win out, trusting in his own knowledge and understanding of the world, he wouldn't have experienced Jesus' power and authority. Simon ends up falling at Jesus' knee saying, "Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man!" Once again, Simon refers to Jesus with a term of authority. He is so in awe of who Jesus is he doesn't even feel worthy to remain in his presence! In kneeling, Simon physically demonstrates his position in relationship to Jesus.

It is at this moment Jesus tells Simon not to be afraid. Jesus did not display his power and authority to frighten Simon, but to call him. Simon could not have left everything if he did not first understand his position in relationship to Jesus. He had to be humble. He had to understand just how small he was and how big Jesus was. When Simon understood this he left everything willingly! His job, the fish he had just caught, nothing got in his way. Jesus had to become everything to Simon before he was willing to do anything.

As I look to make decisions and to follow Christ I realize I must be guided by these truths. To follow Christ's calling in my life I must:

1. Put myself in a position to hear the word of God
2. Lay down my pride and submit (belongings, thinking, and actions)
3. Step out in faith believing in who God is and his promises
4. Elevate God and humble myself

I need to place myself in a position to hear from God's word. Not from the crowd, but from the boat, like Simon. I need to stop washing my nets and get in the boat. It is only then that I will realize who God is and who I am. It is only then I will be able to follow him. Even though I am not in Jakarta, I would appreciate your prayers!