Freedom

FEAR. Almost three years ago I realized just how much of a driving force those four little letters were in my life – and I do mean my life (all of it).  All the way back to grade school Spirit Week. . . . I was dressed up for Opposite/Clash Day. I looked pretty crazy with my braid and ponytail, two different shoes, and every fingernail painted a different color.  I walked in the Cafeteria before school and the lunch room lady asks me what dress up day it is saying she thought it was some other day. Boom. FEAR. I didn’t want to go to class. I didn’t want to be dressed up for the wrong day! Everyone would make fun of me! However, I couldn’t turn around and go home, so I went. Thankfully, it was Opposite/Clash Day and I even won a prize for my outfit. But . . . FEAR made me bring extra clothes to school every Spirit Week until I graduated college (and maybe into my teaching career…).

Over the last three years I have begun to understand how fear affects my thinking, decisions, and actions.  Often fear has been at the root of my emotional turmoil or rash actions. Fear has left me frustrated, suffocated, and paralyzed. Rick Warren calls fear a “self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends for you to be.” A prison. Yep. Self-imposed. Wait, self-imposed??

I think for the longest time I just kind of subconsciously accepted that I struggled with fear. It was like somehow my recognition of that struggle made it OK for me to continue on it. Not that I wanted to intentionally live out fear, but many days I felt powerless to conquer it. It seemed impossible that there could be a life outside of fear. I mean, it had been part of my life long before I even realized it was. My dad started praying for me almost three years ago to have freedom from fear. I was super thankful for his prayers, but honestly, deep down I didn’t feel like I would ever have freedom. My heart had forgotten the God it served.

Over the last few months, I feel that God has been reminding me of who He is. Even this last week, I was reminded of who God is while grading Bible tests (yes I am teaching again, long story) over the book of Mark. Students were explaining what one of the miracles Jesus performed taught them about God and their answers, while simple, spoke straight to my heart. The God who calmed a storm with a few words, healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, and made the lame walk is powerful and authoritative. If Jesus can heal someone from a physical birth defect, can he not heal us from our spiritual and personality defects?!? Can he not set me free from my fear? Can he not set us free from our struggles? From our self-imposed prisons that seem impossible to break out of?  Already he has conquered sin and death! Already he has given us everything we need to walk in freedom and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Has he not promised to continue the good work he started in us (Philippians 1:6-7)?  Isn’t it Christ who lives IN us (Galations 2:20)?

There is no past, no struggle, no label, no personality trait, we have to continue to live in. God’s desire is not for those things to take us captive. He wants freedom for us. He died so we could be free! He did not die for us to continue living in these prisons (1 Peter 2:24). It is in His will for us to live out this freedom so I know it will happen. Get out!

Wow. I’m just soaking this in again. Tonight I’m continuing to call on God for His power, His victory, His freedom and maybe, just maybe, this year during Spirit Week I’ll leave that change of clothes at home.

Maybe.

Even More

Today was one of those days where I found myself asking God for wisdom. In fact, I have been asking for wisdom a lot recently. It has almost become a ritual done without thought.  The last two weeks I have been challenged, to my very core, by Job 28. The words in this passage were spoken by a righteous man named Job at a point of extreme loss and suffering in his life. Job’s words on wisdom, stated in the midst of confusing events, are reminding me of what asking for wisdom really means.

According to Job, asking for wisdom is somewhat like searching for earthly valuables.  The search for these earthly valuables—gold, iron, copper, ore—takes man deep into the dark recesses of the earth. It takes him to “places forgotten by the foot of man,” (v. 4) places unknown to the birds and proud beasts. It is hard work. Man must “[assault] the flinty rock and [lay] bare the roots of the mountains” (v.9) to find these earthly valuables. The search is intentional, purposeful, and difficult.  Yet, deemed worthy of effort when the earthly valuable is uncovered.

Like earthly valuables, Job recognizes man does not know where wisdom dwells or where it can be found. It too is “hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air” (v. 21). It is not in the deep, it is not in the sea. Although hidden like earthly valuables, Job sets wisdom apart by assigning it greater worth. Job says wisdom, “cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver . . . . neither gold nor crystal can compare with it . . . the price of wisdom is beyond rubies” (v.15-18). Four times he states wisdom cannot be compared with or bought with the finest gold. Job knows there is no price on wisdom.

Job also knows man “does not comprehend [wisdom’s] worth” (v. 13). If man understood wisdom was worth even more than earth's greatest valuables, would he not search for it even more intently than those? Would he not be deem it worthy of even more effort despite difficulties? Would he not be even more purposeful in his searching?

Ugh. I am challenged all over again writing this!

If I understood wisdom’s worth . . . IF . . . where would my search begin? Quotes by famous philosophers or stars? A magazine with “101 wise choices”? My friends? My family? The next “7 traits of wise people” article shared on my Facebook newsfeed? My favorite song lyrics? I have to admit I am searching all over this earth for something not of this earth. Job said,

“God understands the way to [wisdom] and he alone knows where it dwells for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. When he established the force of the wind and measured out the waters, when he made a decree for the rain and a path for the thunderstorm, then he looked at wisdom and appraised it; he confirmed it and tested it. And he said to man, ‘the fear of the Lord—that is wisdom. And to shun evil is understanding.’” Job 28:23-28

My search starts with God. To fear him I must know him. To know him I must seek him and shun evil.

I ask for wisdom from God a lot, but I forget that I have a role to search for it. Searching for wisdom is not natural. It requires going to places forgotten by the foot of man. It requires assaulting the flinty rock. It requires being intentional and purposeful. It requires time. It is difficult. Yet, worthy of the effort for it is more valuable than anything I could possibly comprehend. Practically, my search could mean going to God in prayer before going to a friend with my latest decision conundrum.  Perhaps, it might look like taking those five minutes of scrolling through Facebook to memorize a truth of scripture instead. Maybe, it means scheduling quiet time with God on my calendar like I would a date with a friend. My search might mean making different media or entertainment choices. It might even change how I spend my time.

It is going to cost. Valuable things always cost, but “wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost ALL you have, get understanding” Proverbs 4:7. No sacrifice is too great.

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I Got A Feeling

When I began this blog, I committed to sharing my reflections about what the Lord was teaching me. For quite awhile now something has been on my mind to share, but I haven't. Perhaps it's because I'm working on something a bit bigger. Perhaps. I think though, maybe deep down I know I haven't fully learned this lesson yet. This one is close to my heart . . . in fact, it's about my heart.

From the time I was small, my emotions have been known to the entire world. In another life, I am sure I would have been an actress. I have been known as the drama queen in my family and some days I feel as if my heart resides on my face, not in my chest. You can easily find me on cloud nine, attempting to dance in front of the bathroom mirror, head phones in and hair piled high on top of my head all crazy like. You can also find me talking loudly (okay maybe screaming) when stuck in stop and go traffic. Occasionally, you can find me staring silently out the window lost in thought contemplating life. I feel a feeling deeply and completely. This includes the good feelings, the so-so feelings, and the yucky feelings. All of them. 

Now I don't think feelings are wrong, by any means. I think God gave us our hearts and the ability to feel emotion. However, I have realized often my feelings, especially those yucky ones, don't stay in my heart. They worm their way into my thoughts and assault my mind. It happens when I'm tired, when I've had a bad day, or when I am going through something difficult. Once my feelings have seized control of my mind, they conquer my actions. My thoughts are the basis for my actions. Thus, in the end, it is my heart that has acted. 

I operate from my heart more than I would like to admit. The problem with this is that my feelings, although they are real and present, are not always based on truth. Jeremiah 17:9 calls the heart deceitful above all things and oh how my heart is not exempt from that statement! Time and time again my heart has misled me. It happens with a snowball-like effect. I get a feeling, or an emotional reaction to a situation. Initially, it is involuntary, but I choose to go right on feeling it because it seems valid to me, because it just feels so right! This feeling starts to snowball, growing exponentially as the cause for it is replayed over and over in my head. Sometimes snowballs of feelings collide, combine, and grow even faster. When left unstopped, my feelings have taken me to places I never intended to go. They have led me to incorrect thinking. They have led me to poor decision making. They have led me to isolation. They have distorted how I view myself and how I view God. 

It would be nice if I could just turn off my emotions, be a Spock, but I can't. So . . . what do I do with real feelings and a heart that can be deceitful? Well, Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Abraham, a friend of God, brought his feelings about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah to God. David all throughout the Psalms pours out his heart to God. Jesus, in the garden before his crucifixion, fell face to the ground to talk with God about his troubled heart. I believe we are called to bring our feelings to God. 

When I first began bringing my feelings to God I was really hesitant. I mean, my feelings, so intense and important to me, might just be nothing to him. Sometimes my own feelings seemed insignificant to me in light of the situations other people were facing. I thought maybe he would think that too. I wondered if God saw my feelings and if he would hear how I felt. Many times I flat out didn't want to bring my feelings to God. I wanted to hang on to them for days . . . months . . . years. Part of me thought if I brought my feelings to God it would mean they weren't justified. Like somehow the situation which brought forth those feelings did not warrant such a response. Honestly, I was terrified to even whisper my feelings, I didn't know what it would mean for me. I felt it might just be safer to hide them best I could. 

Then I met Hagar. Her story brought a revelation to my heart. The God who created the vast universe sees and hears me. My feelings were not insignificant to him. I knew from Hagar's story regardless of the situation which gave rise to my feelings, I would be heard and seen. I would be met where I was at, not to be chastised or condemned, but to freed by truth. Feelings come with chains. Feelings strip away hope. Feelings can lie. I also realized God saw and heard my feelings whether I brought them to him or not. Psalm 139 says God "[perceives] my thoughts from afar . . . before a word is on my tongue [he] knows it completely." Even though God's knowledge of my feelings only leaves me one choice, honesty, it still isn't easy. Hagar showed me that while God sees and hears my feelings, the cause of those feelings may not change. Still, he gently calls me to turn those feelings over to him, to trust. I don't get to hang on to them. 

This is hard for me. So very very hard.

I have spent many nights on my knees, face to the floor, tears streaming, wrestling to bring my feelings to God. I know it is what I should do, but often it is not what I want to do. Sometimes all I can muster is praying for the desire to bring my feelings to God. My pride gets in the way. I do not want to surrender. It's hard giving up what feels real or right. My heart wants to trust itself and not God. Yet, time has taught me the wrestling, the struggle, is worth it. There is an exchange that takes place, feelings for truth. It is truth that brings freedom and peace. Philippians 4:6-8 says, 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." 

My yucky feelings are not true or right or lovely or any of those things. Not once have they brought me peace. However, when I have brought my feelings to God during life's roughest moments, I have experienced unexplainable peace. Exchanging my feelings for truth has brought me hope.

Four years ago I began learning how to give my feelings to God and still it is a daily battle for me. I thank God for placing a woman after his heart in my life to gently encourage me to seek out truth instead of relying on what I felt. She encouraged me to bring my feelings to Jesus: "I feel {INSERT FEELING}, but I know {INSERT TRUTH}." It has been some of the most powerful advice I have ever received. 

I may feel feelings more intensely and frequently than other people, but at some point everyone walks through a place where their feelings lead and they operate from their heart. Even today you may feel . . . alone, fearful, angry, bitter, hopeless, guilty, sad, embarrassed, numb, hurt, betrayed, frustrated, worthless, shameful, unloveable, inadequate, weak, confused, abandoned, purposeless, entitled, lost, stuck, hopeless. I want you to know that bringing your feelings to God is not being weak, it's being strong. I want you to know that I understand just how hard it is to give up what feels right. I want you to know you will never ever regret laying down those heavy feelings so you can pick up truth. You can have freedom.