Black and White

There's black, there's white, and then there's grey. This concept has never frustrated me more than in the area of prayer and determining God's will. At times I have wished that the Bible was more extensive or that God would just call down from heaven, "My will for you is ___________." I have focused on the grey in prayer always wondering whether something was God's will or not. I hadn't thought much about the black and white until recently.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we asked of him."               1 John 5:14-15

There are grey areas of God's will in my life: what job I work, where I live, what college I attended, who I marry, friends I make, etc. However, there are far more black and white areas of God's will: moral choices, purity, walking in the spirit, working as unto Him, praising His name, serving others, etc. Sometimes I forget to ask for the black and white, but how I should! For when my requests align with God's will I can be confident I will receive them. Psalm 115:3 says, "Our God is in heaven, he does whatever pleases him." There is no doubt, no question, just patience in his timing.

I know it is God's will for me to trust him, so if I ask for trust I can be confident He will build it within me. I know it is God's will for me to be healed, so if I ask for healing I can be confident He will heal me. I know it is God's will for me to have a positive perspective in the midst of hardship, so if I ask for Him to help me change my perspective I can be confident He will be working on me. I know it is  God's will for me to be free of the sins which entangle me, so if I ask for freedom I can be confident He will come to my rescue. I know it is God's will for me to have peace, so if I ask for peace I can be confident He will bring it. I know it is God's will for me to be a servant, so if I ask for a heart of service I can be confident He will develop it.

 I can be confident in asking for God's will, for the black and white. It doesn't matter how impossible my request may seem, I can ask anything in His will and He hears. If I ask for something in God's will I am guaranteed to have it. It is a powerful idea. I can wait in eager expectance for God to act, to bring about His will in His way and His timing. So I will ask, not only about the grey, but the black and white.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Confession

I have always considered confession to be a word associated with sin only, however this excerpt from Get Out Of That Pit by Beth Moore has been on my mind.

"Confession in its widest sense is our means of baring our hearts and souls before God. Confession is a way we agree with what God says about Himself and about us. Confession takes place every time you tell God how much you need Him. Tell Him what's on your mind. What kind of mess you're in. Who's in it with you. What's holding you back. What's on your heart. Who's on  your case. Who's made you mad. Who's on your nerves. Who's broken your heart. Even if your first impulse is to think it's Him. As long as you can feel it, spill it. Psalm 145:18 says, 'The Lord is near to all who call on him, / to all who call on him in truth.'"

 Sometimes there are things within my heart that I fail to tell God about. I may fail to tell him because I simply don't think about bringing it before him or because I feel it is insignificant. Sometimes I fail to tell him because I know in my head my feelings are wrong, unbiblical, or not based on truth, yet they are real. In those times I am afraid to really bare my heart. However, try as I might to hide my feelings or thoughts, I cannot. Nothing is hidden from Him.

God knows everything that goes on within me. Psalms 94:11 says, "The Lord knows the thoughts of man, he knows that they are futile." He,"searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts" (1 Chronicles 28:9). God, "alone knows the heart of all men" (1 Kings 8:39). Psalm 139 says, "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;  you perceive my thoughts from afar. . . . before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord." God sees it all, my thoughts, my feelings, my motives.

Similar to unconfessed sin, failure to bare my heart before the Lord can at times brings an intolerable inner turmoil. It isolates, leaving me alone to carry my burdens. It reminds me of that old hymn What A Friend We Have in Jesus: "O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bare, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." Failure to be completely honest with God hurts me, not God. I deprive myself of God's comfort and peace. I must be careful how I am honest, just as Job was, but I can be honest.

God already knows what's in my soul, He doesn't need to be told, but He desires me to cry out to him, to bare my soul. Psalm 55:22 says, "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you." According to Scripture,  I can, "pour out [my] heart to him, for God is [my] refuge" (Psalm 62:8). I am not supposed to be anxious about anything but rather in every situation bring my requests before God through prayer and petition, and his peace which passes all understanding will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7). There is freedom and peace in confession of both sin and the inmost parts of the soul.

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you." Psalm 38:9

When I kept silent

David was called a "man after God's own heart," yet he still fell into sin. Not only did he sin, but sometimes he failed to acknowledge his wrongdoing before the Lord. In Psalm 32, David describes the ramifications of unconfessed sin he experienced.

"1 Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 2 Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. 3 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgression to the Lord"--and you forgave the guilt of my sin. 6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him."                 Psalm 32:1-6

Sometimes I wish I could sit down and just talk with David. I mean, his words could almost be written from my own soul. If we could talk I would want to ask why he didn't confess his sins sooner. I wonder if we would find commonality in our experiences. Was it because he felt ashamed? Was it because he was in denial of his sin? Was it because he had excuse after excuse for his actions? Was it because he was fearful of God's wrath?  Was it because he was consumed with his own desires?

Whatever the reason, David's silence, poisoned his very being from the inside out. He was miserable, groaning all day, he was even brought to the point of physical discomfort. There is a struggle within between what has been done and the convictions of truth. The uneasiness is like a weight, a burden, which grows daily resulting in weariness. Even worse, unconfessed sin severs communion with God, therefore one remains alone, isolated. God already knows the sin, it is only self-inflicted injury.

Why do I try to hide things from God? Why do I keep silent at times? I have experienced the intolerable pain that it brings. Never have I felt so alone as when I kept silent. Never have I experienced greater affliction within my heart as when I refuse to acknowledge my sin. Never have I been so lost grasping for purpose as when I failed to confess my sin. Nothing satisfies like sweet communion with the Lord. I have been silent and there is no reason worth the anguish it brings. Truly, "Blessed is the man whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit."

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

Psalm 51

Psalm 51  was written by David when the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

"1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. 5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. 7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 13Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. 14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing  of your righteousness. 15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. 16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. 18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper; build up walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings to delight you; then bulls will be offered on your altar." 

I love David's example of confession. David is aware of God's justice (vs. 4), yet He begins by appealing to God's attributes of mercy and compassion. David fully recognizes his sin. He does not make excuses or try to justify it. Instead he openly admits he is aware of his sin and it has been constantly eating away at him. David doesn't just ask God to forgive his sins though, He asks God to create within him a pure heart and steadfast spirit. David comes before the Lord fully aware his actions warrant judgement, yet he appeals to God's mercy knowing the Lord does not despise a broken and contrite heart.

How often do I try to justify my sin? Do I make excuses for my wrongdoing? Surely God is compassionate and merciful, but do I truly come broken and contrite? Do I stop at asking God for forgiveness or do I beg for Him to keep me close and guide me with His Holy Spirit so I do not fall back into sin? Do I proclaim God's righteousness and praise Him for his forgiveness or do I keep it to myself? How do I confess my sin before the Lord?

Do you want to get well?

I can't get it off my mind; this story, this man. I first encountered it last spring when I began reading Truly Fed by Gari Meacham. Much of this post is largely based off what I learned in the first chapter of her book then. However, as time goes on and life happens I find myself returning time and time again to this story.

"Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked."

                                                                                                      John 5:1-9 ESV

 Thirty-eight years . . . thirty-eight years he had been an invalid. Who knows how many of those thirty-eight years he had spent lying next to pool of Bethesda. Maybe he had tried to be cured for years, I don't know; but, he was there at the pool, desperate, with any hope he had left thrown to a local superstition. It was said that the pool had healing power, that from time to time an angle of the Lord would come down and stir the waters. Supposedly the first person to enter the waters after such a disturbance would be cured of whatever infirmity they had (Bible Knowledge Commentary). This man had come to the pool hoping to be healed, but it had not happened yet.

"Jesus saw this man lying in an alcove, crumbled on his bedroll. He knew he had been in this state a long time, and without any small talk or meaningless conversation, He probed to the very soul of the man by asking 'Do you want to get well?' (Meacham, 13)." This seems like an absurd question for Jesus to ask. I mean, it was obvious that the man was at the pool to get healed. Yet, Jesus deliberately asked the man, "Do you want to get well?" Why? Perhaps the man originally had come to the pool with a hope of healing, but that hope had all but died. Maybe after thirty-eight years the man had grown accustomed to his state. To be healed would bring responsibility, change, and the discomfort of the unfamiliar. To be healed would be letting go of all that he had known as life for so long. Jesus probably knew the answer, but he wanted the man to look deep within himself. The man responded to Jesus with excuses. There was no one to help him and other people, well they always got to the water first. So Jesus told him to stand up,  pick up his mat, and walk.  He left the man with a choice. The man could trust and move or remain in his excuses sitting on his mat. Jesus was willing and able to heal the man, but the man had to choose to accept healing.

I am an invalid; not physically, but in so many other ways. I am not thirty-eight, but already I have easily become accustomed to my state of paralysis. I don't necessarily like it, but it is predictable, comfortable, familiar. I can remember hoping for healing, yet its been so long my hopes have all but died. I can't imagine life without my paralysis. I have tried various remedies, yet they each have failed. It seems impossible to be healed, every time I think I'm getting into that pool I find I'm too late or I just can't do it myself.

I'm lying on my mat paralyzed. I hear the question He asks, but I can't look up, I'm mumbling excuses. To be healed I have to trust Him, I have to believe that He can truly heal me, but I can't imagine it. To be healed I have to move towards freedom by standing up, I can't lie on my mat and be healed, but I lack the energy to get up. To be healed I have to pick up my mat, letting go of my past, and walk, but I fear the unfamiliar. In my head the answer is an obvious "yes," I don't like living in this state of paralysis, but my heart does not seem to agree. I know I should be like the man and get up, yet my heart is resistant to change. I want it so bad, yet I am still resisting. "Isn't it interesting that the very thing that paralyzes our lives becomes something we hang on to and refuse to change?" (Meacham, 12).

I can't get this man, this story, off my mind. Do I want to get well? Do I want to be healed?

"O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me." Psalm 30:2

Above the clouds

The clouds were like a fluffy blanket below as I looked out the window of the airplane. A feeling of amazement washed over me as I looked at the small world below. What seemed so big in life on the ground had quickly become nothing but a pinpoint vanishing out of sight as the plane broke through the clouds. Seeing this larger perspective made me feel small and insignificant.

As I flew home from Alaska I was struck with the thought that the larger perspective I was viewing above the clouds must be similar to God's perspective on life. He sees a much bigger picture; not just the next week or month of  life. Not just the next year, but He sees from the beginning of time till the end of time. My view of life hardly consists of a day, His view spans eras, kingdoms, wars, and ages. When I considered His view I felt a sting within my soul.

I have come to realize that as a perfectionist I allow very small details to become giant. Sometimes the smallest details take over my entire perspective on life. For instance, if I have not accomplished something I feel like I have failed my entire life. Or if it is rainy I let it ruin my entire day. Or I will spend hours agonizing over which pair of shoes to purchase. The small details explode taking over my entire perspective on life. In the bigger picture these details are insignificant, yet I allow them to rule my feelings, thoughts, and actions in the moment. Most of the details I worry or stress over other people would hardly notice. My perspective is so small. It does not see past the moment, past me.

For a moment on that plane I saw that the small details were meaningless and invisible when I looked down from above the clouds. How can I keep my perspective above the clouds? How do I see the small details in their true size, just a pinpoint that vanishes? How can I prevent them from blowing up and taking over my entire life? How can I remove my priorities which relate to the moment and replace them with God's priorities which relate to eternity? I want to rise up, to keep my perspective above the clouds where I see the larger picture of God's plan, not my own. How can I keep my perspective above the clouds?

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

What I do, not just what I say or know

Life has gotten pretty busy for me as of late hence the lack of blog posts. Work is consuming much of my life and I find myself with very little free time these days, especially for blogging. This is unfortunate because I learn so much when I blog about what the Lord is teaching me in my life. It causes me to take a moment out of my day to contemplate Scripture, evaluate my life, and respond. In no way do I fully grasp or perfectly carry out that which I write about. I do not "have it together," I need to read these Scriptures and reflections more than anyone else. I blog to share sure, but mostly I blog to myself.

Another area of life that goes by the wayside when life gets busy is my quiet time alone with the Lord in His Word and in prayer. There are so many important things grabbing for my attention and I tell myself I will "just do it later." Most often though, "later" never comes, or when it does, I find myself just scanning the passages with my eyes while my mind is wandering elsewhere. It becomes something to check off my to-do list instead of a true encounter with a friend filled with deep conversation.When my quiet time with the Lord slips out of my daily routine I find myself drastically altered. I revert to my natural tendencies of impatience, worry, fear, complaining, pessimistic viewpoints, anger . . . sin. I feel tired, frazzled, empty, unsatisfied, and unsettled. I do this over and over again when life gets busy. I say that being in the Word is important and I know the benefits which come from time with the Lord. I say that it is a priority and I know my life should center around my relationship with the Lord not the other way around. I say and I know, yet I do not do. So, what does that mean?

James 3 says, "what good is it my brothers if someone says he has faith, but does not have works. Can that faith save him?" What I truly believe is reflected in my actions. Jesus said, "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice . . . " (Mark 7:21). Out of the heart come actions. Jesus also says in Matthew 16:27 that when He comes again, "he will reward each person according to what he has done." My actions, not what I say or what I know, will be rewarded because they  reveal what I actually believe in my heart. It is easy to state my belief in what is right or to know what is right and yet, NOT do it! However, I find it extremely difficult to do the right thing without truly believing it.

What do I really believe? Is it what I say or what I know or is it what I am doing? If its what I say or what I know, I need to change what I'm doing. If Jesus is the center of my life, if I love Him more than anything else, than my life (time, investments, finances, priorities) should reflect it.

"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 85:11

Afraid To Ask

Sometime last year I heard a sermon on Luke 11, Jesus' teaching on prayer. At the time it was intriguing and thought provoking, but it is even more so as of late. Chapter 11 of Luke opens with the disciples asking Jesus to teach them to pray. Jesus responds with what we typically call the Lord's Prayer. He then goes on to tell a parable about a man who goes to a friends' door at midnight and ask for three loaves of bread because he has nothing to set before a visiting friend has come from a long journey. The friend tells the man to go away because his household is shut up for the night, but the man is persistent and bold, so the friend gets up and gives him as much as he needs. Jesus then says:

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Persistent, desperate, bold, dependent--that is Jesus' description of what a believer's prayer towards God should be. Just like the man got up to give his friend as much as he needs, Jesus promises that what is asked for will be given.

I am pretty good at asking God for what I think I need. Honestly, I would say the majority of my prayers revolve around asking the Lord for a variety of needs for myself or others. It isn't the asking that I struggle with, its the answering. Jesus said, what is asked for will be given, but sometimes I don't get what I ask for. This may be because what I am asking for is not in God's will (Jonah 4:3, 1 Kings 19:4, Mark 10:34-45). It may be because I ask with the wrong motives as James 4:3 describes. After all, my "heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure" Jeremiah 17:9. It could be because there is sin in my life (Isaiah 59:2). Whatever the reason, the truth is I don't always get what I ask for. Knowing that, sometimes I fear answers. I fear I won't like them. I fear they won't make me happy. I fear God's will might be something I don't want or even worse, something I hate. Surely, what I want is best . . . right?

Luke 11 goes on to say:

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

I've never been a parent before, but I've been told by numerous parents how much they desire their children's happiness. If it is in their power to influence the happiness and satisfaction of their children they will do so. God is not any different, in fact, He desires His children's satisfaction even more because of His perfect holiness. He does not desire to give that which would bring harm, such as a snake or scorpion. He wants what is best for His children. He gives good gifts. James 1:17 says, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." Psalms 84:11 says, "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."

Sometimes I think what I want is best, but sometimes, maybe, I am unknowingly asking for a scorpion or a snake? I get caught up in thinking what I am asking for is what will make me happiest. I can't imagine there being anything else that could be better. So I fear--in pride, in ignorance, in lack of trust. While I may not be able to comprehend it or imagine it, God has a better gift. He wants the best for me, but it may not be what I think is best. I should not fear God's answer, because it is going to bring me good, not harm. It is going to be in my best interest. It is going to make me happiest. I must trust in His goodness and love for me. I must keep on asking--persistent, desperate, bold, dependent.

He Gives And Takes Away

It was a late summer sunrise. The kind where you just begin to feel the coolness of fall in the dampness of the air, yet the rising sun warms your skin. I was headed out for an early morning run before heading off to work at dispatch. As I began my run I tried to focus my thoughts towards prayer, but as always my mind wandered off in other directions. Somewhere between contemplating life and praying I was struck clearly with this thought: the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I have no idea where it came from, because I don't recall having been reading through Job in which verse 1:21 says,

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

All I know is that I couldn't ignore the thought in my mind. It was there definite, intense, and unshakeable. So I began to wonder, is the Lord trying to tell me something? What could he possibly take from my life? Thousands of possibilities ran through my mind--family, my last year of college, friends, finances? I had no clue. Maybe it wasn't about what the Lord might take from me though. . .

The story of Job has always been puzzling and fascinating to me. It is unique in that it allows us a glimpse into interactions between God and Satan. In addition, it shows Satan's influence and work on earth. The very first verse of the book introduces Job as a man who "was blameless and upright; [who] feared God and shunned evil." Job is also described as having "seven sons, three daughters, seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East." As the story goes, God leaves everything Job has to Satan's discretion. In one day Job's sons and daughters die, his servants are killed, his fields burn up, and his livestock are carried off by raiding parties. One day, all of his worldly possessions gone. However, this is how the blameless and upright man who feared God responded:

"Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.' In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." Job 1:20-22

In a moment of extreme loss and intense grief Job worshiped God. Pretty amazing, but it gets even crazier! God then leaves Job's personal health at Satan's discretion and so Satan afflicted Job with sores that covered his entire body. Job's wife told him to curse God and die, but Job replied:

 "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 1:10

Job's entire life was destroyed, miserable, empty. The people he loved, the things he had worked for, his own comfort, were taken in a moment, gone forever. He mourned tearing his robes and shaving his head, but he did not give into the bitterness. He refused to blame God for wrongdoing. Instead he chose to recognize God's sovereignty. 

Many times since last summer I have thought about Job's response and it never ceases to amaze me. When I line up the trials I'm experiencing to those around me, or to the story of Job,  they seem so small. I try to imagine how I would respond if I just lost one of those things, say a loved one. Would I fall down in worship? If I lost my health, say the use of my legs, would I recognize God's sovereignty? If I found myself living in a rundown house or out on the street, would I blame God for wrongdoing? Would I give into bitterness? Could I have the same attitude as Job?

Maybe that morning last summer wasn't about what God might take from me. Maybe it was about the position of my heart. Perhaps God was reminding me of His sovereignty, gently pointing out that I was still trying to direct or hold on to certain parts of my life. I think it was a small tugging on my heart to evaluate my life, to surrender, to truly, completely submit to God's sovereignty. Unfortunately, the last year has been painful as I slowly learn to surrender and accept God's will. Ironically, this verse hit me again this summer, just like last summer. Apparently, the Lord is prompting me to submit even more. I am challenged by Job to accept God's sovereignty in the midst of suffering, to worship the Lord whether I am experiencing good or trouble.

"The Lord does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths." Psalm 135:6

Who understands?

A couple years ago I was reading through Proverbs and came across Proverbs 14:10 which says:

"Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy."

Up to that point in my life I had not experienced the trials which cause true anguish to one's soul. The older I grow, the more I experience life's difficult and painful times. I have seen painful and seemingly unfair sorrows burden my friends. I myself have been pained. As I try to comfort those around me and others try to comfort me I am struck with the reality of this verse. No matter how much effort a person extends one can never truly understand the pain of another heart. I have tried. I can imagine, I can place myself in the other person's shoes, I can hurt for them, but I can never know their sorrow and bitterness. There is no one who understands. No one except our Heavenly Father.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord." Psalm 139: 1-4

God knows man better than he knows himself because God created man. God knows my thoughts and before I even speak He knows what I am going to say. He truly knows me, which means he fully understands my pain. He doesn't have to imagine or try to put Himself in my shoes. Who understands? God understands.

 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Ps.139:23

A Golden Calf

A few days ago I read the story of the golden calf the Israelites had Aaron make when Moses was up on Mt. Sinai. In short it goes something like this:

Three months after the Israelites left Egypt they came to the base of Mt. Sinai. On the third day, as God had commanded, the people came forth purified to meet God at the foot of the mountain. God spoke to Moses alone on the mountain and gave him many commands, including the Ten Commandments forbidding idols. Moses returned to the people repeating everything the Lord had told him and the people said, "We will do everything the Lord has said; we will obey." Moses then returned to the mountain leaving the elders, Aaron, and Hur in charge telling them to wait for his return. Moses was up on the mountain for forty days and forty nights. During that time the Israelites became impatient and said to Aaron, "Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don't know what has happened to him" (Exodus 32:1).  So Aaron had the people give him their gold and he made an idol cast in the shape of a calf. The people claimed it was the god who brought them out of Egypt and Aaron declared the following day their would be a festival to the Lord.

At first when I read this I thought, seriously Aaron?  I wanted to tell the Israelites, um, didn't God just tell you that you are supposed to have no other gods before him? It had not even been that long since God had released them from their bondage in Egypt. How quickly they forgot what God had done for them! Forty days before they were trembling in fear as they gazed upon the lightning, thunder, and smoking mountain. Where was that fear when they ate, drank, and got up to indulge in revelry? They had told the Lord they would obey him, yet they disobeyed his very first commandment.

As I was pondering all these thoughts, it suddenly struck me that I am similar to the Israelites. No, I have not been released from physical bondage or seen the Red Sea parted or received water from a rock. However, the Lord has worked in my life, displaying his glory, showing me He is going before me as a protector and provider. The Israelites promised to obey God and well, I have too, the day I gave my life to Him. The Isrealites grew impatient waiting for Moses, waiting for God. They failed to trust God, not remembering who He was, what He had done for them, and what He had commanded them. Hmm.

Who am I to judge the Israelites when I act the same way they do? I am so impatient in my life sometimes. I have been impatient in provision for jobs, finances, and relationships. I have been impatient in prayer wanting an answer immediately. I have been impatient in trials wishing them to be over. I fail to trust God's timing, forgetting what He has done for me, who Scripture says He is, and what He has commanded me to do. I may not cast a golden calf, but I do disobey doing what I think is best in my impatience, trusting myself. I try to provide for my own needs, but I am not very good at it. Only God is the true protector, provider, and fully trustworthy.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14

Understanding I Won't Understand

This summer I had plans for my life. I am always making plans for my life and trying to figure out how to achieve them. I find security in knowing what is ahead. I find motivation in working towards goals. I find comfort in having reasons for what I do. Sometimes my plans happen and sometimes they don't. This summer my plans didn't happen. I keep asking why? I don't understand. God heard me and he reminded me of this:

"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." Jeremiah 10:23

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

"A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?" Proverbs 20:24

My life is not my own, it is completely God's. He is the one who gives me every breath. No matter how hard I try, my plans will only happen if it God's will. The Lord's purpose will ultimately take place regardless of what I plan. I won't understand my steps, because God is directing them.

My life is a puzzle and I'm holding a puzzle piece that doesn't quite make sense, it doesn't match my other puzzle pieces. I can't figure out why I have it or where it belongs. . . but God, He is looking at the picture on the front of the box. He knows exactly where that puzzle piece goes and how it is the only piece that will fit perfectly into the puzzle. He sees how it connects to both the pieces that are already put together and the pieces still left in the box.  Its hard when all I see is a puzzle piece I don't understand. When I can't look at the picture on the front of the box. My only option is to trust the One who can see that picture. To trust the piece I'm holding is necessary to finishing that puzzle and it does fit in perfectly.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

A Memory Revived

When I was a little girl, my dad use to tuck my siblings and I into bed every night. Sometimes he would give us horse-y rides to the bedroom and sometimes if we talked real sweet he would read us a bed time story like the Little Gingerbread Man or sing us to sleep. However, one thing that never failed to happen before he kissed us goodnight was prayers. Some nights we would each pray and other nights we would say a prayer together, like the Lord's prayer. One passage of scripture that we prayed occasionally was Psalm 23.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and  your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will well in the house of the Lord forever. "

This was one of the first passages of Scripture I memorized and I could almost say it in my sleep. This summer, it has taken on a whole new meaning to me though. Never have I considered its words to be so comforting and precious. It speaks of who God is, what He does, who I am, and what my response should be. 

God is my shepherd, the one who watches over me, over all my life and needs. He guides me to green pastures and quiet waters--good things. He does these things, not just for me, but for His glory. God is looking out for my best interest, fulfilling my needs, and guiding me to good things. While this is true, it doesn't mean my life will be void of troubles. Even though I experience troubles--the valley of the shadow of death--I do not have to fear anything. God has made me lie down in green pastures, and lead me to quiet waters. I already see that He is good and trustworthy. Thus, I don't have to fear. God is with me, using His rod and staff. As a shepherd He uses His rod and staff to guide and protect me. I find comfort knowing that even though I walk through trouble, God is guiding and protecting me. If He is watching out for me I have nothing to fear, no evil.

I must admit I feel as if I have walked through a valley of the shadow of death or two in my life. When I'm there it is awful, it is painful, it is scary. Sometimes it seems like more than I can handle. I search for ways to forget, to alleviate my pain, to comfort myself. The world offers a variety of options like alcohol, drugs, violence, medications, relationships, cutting . . . The truth is though, none of those will take away the pain or bring the comfort they promise. They only make the valley floor deeper and the mountains steeper. What brings comfort and removes fear is God the shepherd, His rod and staff. He is there in every valley of the shadow of death I walk through, guiding me, protecting me. He is saying to me:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I can cast all of my cares on God (Psalm 55:22) because he is " [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, therefore [I] will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging" (Psalm 46:1-2).

No matter how dark or big the valley of the shadow of death may be God is with me. He is guiding me and protecting me as my shepherd. He desires to bring me to green pastures and still waters. So in my valley I won't turn to what the world has to offer, I will turn to God. He is right there, He hasn't left me. Oh, what a wonderful Shepherd I have!

God's path is not always the short path

This summer I have been reading through the beginning of the Old Testament and have been captivated by some of the stories. One story in particular which intrigued me was of the Israelites trek out of Egypt.

"When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led the people around by the dessert road toward the Red Sea. The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle." Exodus 13:17-18

After reading this passage I was confused. If the Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle wouldn't they have been expecting a military confrontation? So why did God say if they face war they would change their minds and return to Egypt? Even the other path God led the people on had a military confrontation, Pharaoh changed his mind and pursued the Israelites with his entire army (Exodus 14:8-9). The people ended up wanting to return to Egypt anyways saying "It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert?" So why did God not just lead them on the shortest path?

As I pondered these questions I couldn't really come up with any solid answers, except God knew best. Perhaps the shorter route would have led them into a bigger army than Pharaoh's army? Perhaps "armed for battle" means an organized march, not ready for military confrontation with armor, bows, or arrows (Bible Knowledge Commentary)? Perhaps God knew that the story of the Red Sea would leave the Israelites no room for thinking they had any part in saving themselves from the Egyptians? Perhaps God knew his miraculous parting of the sea would glorify Him more than simply giving victory in a battle? Perhaps God knew the crossing of the Red Sea would be a monumental memory testifying to His power that would be passed down from generation to generation and recorded in Scripture? Perhaps God knew the long path through the Red Sea and desert held necessary lessons for the Israelites to learn? Perhaps God knew the long path would cause the Israelites to fully rely on Him for everything including their very food and water? Perhaps God knew the long path would display His glory and character? Perhaps God knew the trials in the desert would display His continued faithfulness? Perhaps God knew the long path would teach not only the Israelites, but future generations up to a young 22 year old woman in the year 2011? Perhaps God knew best?

I like the short paths in life. They make the most sense to me, I understand them, I know why I am taking them. I'm learning though that God's path is not always the shortest path. I'm learning perhaps God knows the short path has something I cannot handle on it. I may think I am armed for battle or prepared, but God knows I am not. Or maybe when I take the short path I struggle with thinking it is "me," and I begin to be self-reliant. Maybe the short path, does not bear the trials which God is going to use to teach me. Perhaps the short path does not bring as much glory to God as the long path? God knew best in taking the Israelites on the long path, and I trust the same is true for me. I can't question God when He turns me around from the short path to a longer one, I must trust He knows best.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

A God Who Sees

This summer has been far different than I ever imagined. It has been difficult in many ways. I have experienced heartache and pain deeper than any other I can recall in my life. The hurt was so strong I did not know how to handle it. How could I get release from this anguish? It was during this time I met another woman in affliction--Hagar.

Genesis 16 describes Hagar as the Egyptian maidservant of Sarai, Abram's wife. Now, Sarai was barren and "in the legal custom of that day a barren woman could giver her maid to her husband as a wife, and the child born of that union was regarded as the first wife's child" (Bible Knowledge Commentary). As a maidservant I don't assume Hagar had much say about her life, and according to the story, Sarai gave Hagar to Abram to be his wife thinking perhaps she could build a family through Hagar. Sarai's plan was successful for soon Hagar became pregnant. If Hagar had a son it would be regarded as Sarai's son and so Hagar began to despise Sarai. In turn, Sarai mistreated Hagar. Eventually, Hagar was so afflicted she fled into the desert.

I must admit, if I was Hagar I'd be upset too. She did not choose to marry Abram, to become pregnant, to possibly lose the baby growing inside of her to another woman, to be mistreated. It seemed a bit unfair! I see a bit of my own life in Hagar's story. I did not choose to experience the trials I am going through. Sometimes I feel as if it is unfair. I don't understand why I am being put through this. My affliction is heavy upon my soul and I want to release it, to flee.

The story continues with an angel of the Lord finding Hagar in the desert. He asked her where she had come from and where she was going and Hagar answered she was running from her mistress. Then the angel of the Lord told her to go back and submit to Sarai. He also said, "You are now with child and you will have a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery" (Genesis 16:11a). Hagar then replied, "You are the God who sees me . . .  I have now see the One who sees me" (Genesis 16:13).

God heard and saw Hagar's misery. He did not say her feelings were invalid. He met her and recognized her pain. The Lord desired so strongly for Hagar to know He realized her suffering that He told her to name her son Ishmael, meaning God hears. Her son's name would be a constant reminder. God also told Hagar to return to the situation which caused her affliction, but this time she knew God would be with her. Hagar was a woman in affliction, I am a woman in affliction, God saw Hagar, and God sees me. I may not understand my suffering, but I know I am not alone. It is such as comfort to know God sees my pain and hears my cries! I no longer wonder how to release my anguish I know what to do. I must take it to the God who sees.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18.