FEAR. Almost three years ago I realized just how much of a
driving force those four little letters were in my life – and I do mean my life (all of it). All the way back to grade school Spirit Week.
. . . I was dressed up for Opposite/Clash Day. I looked pretty crazy with my
braid and ponytail, two different shoes, and every fingernail painted a
different color. I walked in the
Cafeteria before school and the lunch room lady asks me what dress up day it is
saying she thought it was some other day. Boom. FEAR. I didn’t want to go to
class. I didn’t want to be dressed up for the wrong day! Everyone would make
fun of me! However, I couldn’t turn around and go home, so I went. Thankfully,
it was Opposite/Clash Day and I even
won a prize for my outfit. But . . . FEAR made me bring extra clothes to school
every Spirit Week until I graduated college (and maybe into my teaching
career…).
Over the last three years I have begun to understand how
fear affects my thinking, decisions, and actions. Often fear has been at the root of my emotional
turmoil or rash actions. Fear has left me frustrated, suffocated, and
paralyzed. Rick Warren calls fear a “self-imposed prison that will keep you
from becoming what God intends for you to be.” A prison. Yep. Self-imposed.
Wait, self-imposed??
I think for the longest time I just kind of subconsciously
accepted that I struggled with fear. It was like somehow my recognition of that
struggle made it OK for me to continue on it. Not that I wanted to
intentionally live out fear, but many days I felt powerless to conquer it. It
seemed impossible that there could be a life outside of fear. I mean, it had
been part of my life long before I even realized it was. My dad started praying
for me almost three years ago to have freedom from fear. I was super thankful
for his prayers, but honestly, deep down I didn’t feel like I would ever have freedom. My heart had forgotten the God
it served.
Over the last few months, I feel that God has been reminding
me of who He is. Even this last week, I was reminded of who God is while
grading Bible tests (yes I am teaching again, long story) over the book of
Mark. Students were explaining what one of the miracles Jesus performed taught
them about God and their answers, while simple, spoke straight to my heart. The
God who calmed a storm with a few words, healed the sick, gave sight to the
blind, and made the lame walk is powerful and authoritative. If Jesus can heal
someone from a physical birth defect, can he not heal us from our spiritual and
personality defects?!? Can he not set me free from my fear? Can he not set us
free from our struggles? From our self-imposed prisons that seem impossible to
break out of? Already he has conquered
sin and death! Already he has given us everything we need to walk in freedom
and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Has he not promised to continue the good work he
started in us (Philippians 1:6-7)? Isn’t
it Christ who lives IN us (Galations 2:20)?
There is no past, no struggle, no label, no personality
trait, we have to continue to live in. God’s desire is not for those things to
take us captive. He wants freedom for us. He died so we could be free! He did
not die for us to continue living in these prisons (1 Peter 2:24). It is in His
will for us to live out this freedom so I know it will happen. Get out!
Wow. I’m just soaking this in again. Tonight I’m continuing
to call on God for His power, His victory, His freedom and maybe, just maybe,
this year during Spirit Week I’ll leave that change of clothes at home.
Maybe.
