Like A Wave

They say your 20's is the most important decade of your life. In your 20's almost 80% of life defining moments happen. It's the decade people determine their career, relationships, and personality. What they say, well, it's true. If I could choose just one word to describe my life after college it would be: CHANGE.

I remember taking that first full-time job. I planned to work there for at least five years. I hoped to get married, settle down, have a family. My plan was efficient, direct, but life has turned out so differently than I ever imagined. Five years, six jobs, seven living situations, four churches, international living, my belongings boxed up, hellos, goodbyes . . . change, so much change. Job or housing applications make me cringe a little. I don't remember addresses from four years ago. My walls are blank. It is easier to just not put something up. Besides, I have become somewhat of a minimalist. The less I have, the easier it is to move. I stopped making plans years ago. I have become flexible and adaptable. My mantra has been, "If I'm here." Life has not been direct, it's been . . . well, messy. 

Every year since graduating I have had to make life defining decisions. I would never have considered myself "restless" or "adventurous." I do not feel as if I sought out change because I needed it or liked it. It just happened. Making these life defining decisions has never been easy for me. Right now, today, as I type, I am in the midst of making yet another life defining decision. There is more change coming and it's not easy. I have been anxious, fearful, frustrated, confused, and lost. In these moments, I am great at recognizing my lack of wisdom and asking God for it, but I am not so great at having faith. James 1:5-8, says we need to do both.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." 

Some days I am that wave, that double-minded man. Some days I doubt I will receive the wisdom I am asking for. Some days my anxiety trumps my trust. Some days my fears drown out my belief. This double-mindedness, this wavering, causes me to ride an emotional roller coaster. I become that wave tossed about by circumstances (wind). If circumstances don't seem to be in my favor I am filled with doubt and anxiety. If circumstances seem to be looking up I am filled with trust. It is a restless place to be in. It is tiring. There is no wisdom to be found going back and forth between trust and doubt. This is why James says the double-minded man receives nothing and is unstable in all his ways.

John MacArthur defines the faith James talks about as believing, confident prayer. As Christians, we sometimes pray without knowing what God's answer will be. However, when we pray for wisdom we know exactly what the answer will be! James say, wisdom will be given to he who asks because God gives generously to all without reproach. Of all the prayers to have belief and confidence in, it should be the prayer for wisdom! John MacAurthur says of the double-minded man: "They literally are unwilling to cash in the resources that God has provided in their spiritual account. And they receive nothing. And so they may go on and on and on in the misery of that trial. Never knowing the resolution immediately available to them through faithful persistent trusting prayer in God."

So tonight I sit here wondering, how do I have more faith when I am asking for wisdom? How do I avoid being that wave tossed about by my circumstances? How do I find peace, rest, and confidence in the midst of life defining decisions and change?!?  Philippians 4:6-8 says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." 

Paul, the writer of Philippians, says to pray with thanksgiving. James says to count it joy when we meet trials because the testing of our faith produces steadfastness and that steadfastness makes us perfect and complete. These life defining decisions I seem to continually face are opportunities to grow my faith and make me more like Christ. Ultimately, that is the goal in life, so I can be thankful for them. Secondly, in the midst of these life defining decisions I should be turning my thoughts to what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent . . . instead of the what-ifs, my past regrets, and the unknown future. I have the most peace when I remember God's sovereignty and his promises.

I don't want to be that wave. I don't want to be tossed about to and fro by circumstances. I want to cry out with believing, confident prayer (faith). I want to trust that this messy life in my eyes is a beautifully intricate design in God's sovereignty. I want to believe God will give me the wisdom I need to make yet another life defining decision.

Dear God, thank you for giving me an opportunity to grow in my faith. Thank you for the opportunities you have laid before me. You are my provider, you are good, and you are faithful. Most of all, you are with me. I ask for wisdom and thank you in advance for giving it to me! I trust you.

Transformation

Lately, I seem to be on a roll of doing abnormal things. Yesterday, it was cooking a pumpkin. Back in November, I purchased two pumpkins (yes, they have pumpkins in Indo) in an attempt to make life feel "Fall-ish." When December came I put them on top of the fridge and quite forgot about them until this last week when I discovered one was rotting (gross). Thus, yesterday I mustered up the courage to cook the second one.

Cooking this pumpkin was no walk in the park. First, I had to chop off the stem. It sounded easy enough, but I soon found myself hacking at it wishing I had a saw or something of the sort. After successfully removing the stem and cutting the pumpkin in half without losing any fingers, I had to scrape out all of the seeds.

I then sliced the pumpkin into smaller chunks and baked in the oven until the skin easily peeled away. 

The pumpkin "flesh" was then put into the blender and I started the battle of turning it into puree. Blenders and I don't seem to get along. I'm forever and always stopping to mix it with a spoon or add more liquid. At some point I thought maybe I should have mashed the pumpkin by hand, but eventually I had pumpkin puree. 

Of course, I then used to make pumpkin bread.

Now, don't worry, my blog is not morphing into a baking blog. I just wanted to share a thought I had while baking this pumpkin. You may think its silly or over "spiritualizing" a daily task, but I have to share. It speaks for what God has done in my life. Here it goes . . . 

There I was desperately trying to chop the pumpkin into pieces half laughing at myself, half muttering frustrations. At one point I thought "this is hurting me worse than the pumpkin!" Right then the thought hit me that this situation reflected God's work in our lives. Lamentations 3:33 says, "For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." God's heart breaks over judgement. Just like chopping up the pumpkin was hurting more than the pumpkin, we are not the only one touched by discipline or judgement. Yet, "God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness (Hebrews 12:10)." The Lord disciplines those he loves, whom he calls his sons. Discipline is what trains us, it is what produces a harvest of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). Chopping up the pumpkin was a necessary step to get pumpkin bread, just as discipline is a necessary part in our spiritual transformations. 

I have been thinking a lot about the transformations that have taken place in my life as I have read about Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Places. I remember being a teenager who functioned in fear. Like Much-Afraid, I lived among the family of the Fearings. I feared leaving home, growing up, starting life after college unmarried, finding a job, living alone, living overseas . . . I had so many fears. Today, with God, I have lived out almost every single one of those fears. Guess what? It hasn't been easy, but I'm okay. No, more than okay, I'm full of joy. God transformed my heart full of fear into a heart full of peace. All by myself, I never could have changed my fearful heart, neither could the pumpkin cook itself. This is just ONE of the many ways I have been transformed through God's power. 

Before I started chopping up the pumpkin I knew exactly what I was going to make it into: pumpkin bread. In the same way, God knows exactly what he is going to transform us into. He chops us up, scrapes out our seeds, removes our skins, adds to us, and turns our best parts into something wonderful. There is an enormous difference between the pumpkin and the pumpkin bread, yet its essence is still the same. I will always be the same person, but God's transformations have changed me drastically for the better. 

When we find ourselves in discipline may we remember that it is a part of the transformation process. May we trust in the God who's heart breaks over judgement, knowing that he is purposeful with an end in mind. May we allow ourselves to be transformed.

                                                      

Between the Valley and the High Places

The other night I did something abnormal. I read a book. Yep, I am having extra time these days! I've been reading through a book my best friend gave me called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. The book is an allegory and so far it seems to reflect much of my life.  It is "the story of how Much-Afraid escaped from her Fearing relatives and went with the Shepherd to the High Places where 'perfect love casteth out fear.'"

Much-Afraid is first introduced as a servant of the Chief Shepherd despite her crippled feet and crooked mouth. While she loved serving and pleasing the Shepherd she continually felt ashamed by her disfigurements. One day, her relatives came to her demanding that she marry her cousin Craven Fear. Distraught, Much-Afraid immediately went to the Shepherd for advice telling him how much she longed to escape the Valley and go to the High Places away from the Fearings. The Shepherd replied that he had long waited for Much-Afraid to voice this desire and he wanted to take her there. Much-Afraid in disbelief doubted her crippled feet could make the climb, but the Shepherd told her otherwise. If Much-Afraid went with him, he would help her develop hinds' feet and heal her disfigurements. To do this though, she would have to be willing to be completely changed. This would mean taking on a new name and allow love to be planted in her heart. Much-Afraid agreed and so they started their journey to the High Places.

A short distance into their journey they came to a steep path at the foot of the mountains. The Shepherd turned Much-Afraid over to two guides: Sorrow and her twin-sister Suffering. At first, Much-Afraid was uncomfortable with her guides, but gradually she learned to put her hands in theirs accepting their assistance.

One day the path turned a corner revealing a dessert below. Much-Afraid stopped refusing to following Sorrow and Suffering any further. Distressed she called for the Shepherd, who appeared. Despairingly, she cried out, "I can't understand this. The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself." The Shepherd replied it was not a contradiction but rather a postponement for the best to become possible. Still in disbelief, Much-Afraid sobbed as she realized this was an indefinite postponement. It could "be months, even years, before that path [lead] back to the mountains again." Yet, the Shepherd asked her to trust.

Much-Afraid trusted, following Sorrow and Suffering through the dessert to the shores of the great sea of Loneliness. Initially, Much-Afraid only noticed the lack of life and dreary grey sea, but with time she found beauty in the small things. The way the sun broke through the clouds transforming grey landscape into greens and blues or the moanful cries of the sea gulls above. A new joy rose in her heart causing her to laugh again despite the loneliness.

Yet, she wasn't completely alone, for her relatives had caught up with her. Resentment, Bitterness, Pride, and Self-Pity confronted Much-Afraid with assaults in hopes she would give up her journey and return to the Valley. Worn out, Much-Afraid called out for the Shepherd who rescued her. She asked the Shepherd why she couldn't escape from her relatives horrible suggestions. He answered, "When you wear the weed of impatience in your heart instead of the flower Acceptance-with-Joy, you will always find your enemies get an advantage over you."

I can relate to Much-Afraid's journey along the path of indefinite postponement through the dessert and along the shores of the great sea. It was hard to go down that path with Sorrow and Suffering, away from the High Places, away from the blessings I thought God might have in store for me. Like Much-Afraid the trials changed me and taught me many lessons. Yet, as a new joy began to creep into my heart I found with it came impatience. With this weed of impatience came the assaults of resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity. I've walked this indefinite path long enough. I deserve redemption for everything I've gone through. These enemies have surely got the best of me at times.

One of my favorite books of the Bible, James, says, "Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4).  James goes on to say, "blessed is the man who perseveres." This perseverance or endurance is a hopeful patience. Job, a man who knew suffering like no one else, is commended by James for his perseverance. James says, "You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful."

What a great reminder. God is purposeful, compassionate, and merciful. Resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity would have us think that somehow God does not have our best in mind. Surely, he cannot know what is best for us. The assaults of these enemies, strip us of our trust in the Shepherd. I think in the dessert of our trials, when we are so weak we cannot stand, we have to be utterly dependent upon the Lord, completely trusting. There comes a day though, as we walk along the shores of the great sea that the sun comes out and we find ourselves stronger than before, limping less and less. This moment is where our trust is perhaps the most fragile. This is where resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity attack.

I want to have the response of Much-Afraid at these critical moments. To lift my face to the sky and cry out with all the breath that is in me for my Shepherd to come to my deliverance. When I realize the weed of impatience has grown up I want to put my hand in the Shepherd's and say sorrowfully,

"You are quite right. I have been thinking that you are allowing me to follow this path too long and that you were forgetting your promise. . . . But I do tell you now with all my heart that you are my Shepherd whose voice I love to hear and obey, and that it is my joy to follow you. You choose, my Lord, and I will obey." 

Working Out Flaws

I'm a perfectionist.

I use to say that with a bit a pride. It meant I was detail oriented and a high achiever. Good right?

Sometimes. Maybe.

I've come to learn my perfectionism extends beyond results and achievements. It effects the way I think, feel, and act. Never has that been more apparent then in the last six months of my life.

Everyday my perfectionism comes out in my teaching. On the surface level it means a document must  be in the same font with the same indents or an answer key must be neat without mistakes. Deeper down, it means I fight the feeling of failure and not measuring up.

This school year has been a struggle. I want to be the perfect teacher. I want to know my content inside and out. I want to reach every student's needs. I want to connect with the students outside of the math content and build relationships. I want to have no mistakes on my exams or worksheets. I want to have meaningful activities for my students. I want my students to like me. I want to teach in a way that my students are engaged, excited to learn. I want parents and coworkers to think I'm knowledgable. I want to know the answer to every question, especially the questions I assign for homework. I want to help students be the best they can be. I want to be the perfect teacher.

I can't. I never will be.

Oh, I have tried. I have tried really hard. Yet, I can't reach my expectations, my goal. I have felt like a failure at the end of almost every day. The standards of my administration or fellow co-workers don't seem to matter, I didn't reach my standards. This has left me stressed, insecure, even discouraged.

I'm a perfectionists.

No longer is there any pride in this statement for me, rather there is weight. The weight of my expectations and the fear of failure that accompanies them. My perfectionism is more of a hindrance than a help. Not a strength, but a weakness. I remember back in college when I received my first B I thought to myself, I have officially conquered my perfectionism! That was only the beginning. Here in Indonesia I have felt the Lord working on this flaw and its painful.

Often we think after overcoming a struggle or a trial at one point in our life we can check it off the list. We've learned our lesson, right? Not always. In my life, God seems to come back time and time again to work out my flaws, those struggles that are at the root of who I am. It's a process.

Here in Indonesia, there is a process of decorating textiles through printing in wax known as "batik." To begin, a design is drawn onto the cloth. Next, wax is applied to the cloth following the design by either using a cooper stamp or a wax pen. The cloth is then dyed coloring the whole cloth except for the waxed areas. The cloth is then waxed again to hold the color of the first dye to some additional portions of the cloth. A second dye is then completed dying all but the waxed areas of the cloth. The wax is then removed with hot water, scraping, and sponging. Depending on the design, this process of waxing, dying, and removing wax is repeated multiple times.

This is how God works on us. He has a design a plan of what he wants us to be. We are "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24). God wants to work out our flaws, he wants to make us like Christ. To work out our flaws we may have to be waxed, dyed, and scraped many times. At various stages we may not even resemble the final product. In the middle of the wax being scraped off it may be painful or time consuming. However, we have a promise from God that he will complete what he has started. Philippians 1:6 says, "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." We are his workmanship.

So maybe I learned how to let go of homework in college, but the Lord is again at work on my perfectionism. Gently he has reminded me how he longs to set me free of this. In 2nd Corinthians, the apostle Paul talks about a weakness, a thorn in his flesh. When he prays to the Lord to take it away God responds saying, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul then comes to this conclusion, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

I am not the perfect teacher. I can't always meet my own standards or other's standards. I am weak. However, I feel as if the Lord is saying, "Karissa, my grace is sufficient for you." My value is not in my performance as a teacher, it is in Christ. Being a perfectionist it is not hard for me to see my weakness, but the question is will I allow Christ to be my strength? Will I allow his power to fill the gaps I have, will I allow his grace to be all that I need? Can I exchange my own expectations, the performance I place my value on, for Christ's glory? I want to say yes. I want to delight in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties so that he is glorified. I want it to be about him and not about me.

Working conditions.

Design stage.

Wax

Copper stamps.

Dye 

Working conditions.

Finished product

Finished product.

A Fake God

"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." I first heard this quote by A.W. Tozer a little over a year ago while listening to an audio cd of his book, Knowledge of the Holy One. Since then I have experienced how my view of God can effect everything else in my life and perhaps that is what A.W. Tozer meant when he said, "it is the most important thing about us."

This fall I worshiped a fake "God." I didn't recognize it at the time, but I most certainly do now. Busy trying to balance my new job and life, my time in the Scriptures slowly diminished. As life brought its trials,  I found myself questioning and upset. My mind began to try and make sense of what I was dealing with. Why were these things happening? Could God really have good things in store for me? Would God give me something I didn't want? Looking back the "God" of my mind was weak, didn't want the best for me, was unable to accomplish certain tasks, was inconsiderate of my feelings, only loved me when I did the right thing, and was not trustworthy. The result of my skewed view of God led to anxiousness, sadness, and hopelessness. It effected me spiritually, mentally, and even physically.

It began when I failed to make reading Scriptures and spending time with God a priority. Without daily filling my mind with the truth about who God was, my own mind took over and began making God into someone else. Even being raised in a Christian home, going to Bible college, and attending church regularly did not prevent this from happening. If daily I am not reminded of the truth of who God really is then He becomes what I want Him to be and I worship a fake God. The true God revealed in Scriptures was nothing like what I was thinking this fall. He is a God of hope, of unconditional love, of strength, and of wisdom beyond human understanding.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the RENEWING OF YOUR MIND. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."   Romans 12:2 (emphasis added by me)

   

He Gives And Takes Away

It was a late summer sunrise. The kind where you just begin to feel the coolness of fall in the dampness of the air, yet the rising sun warms your skin. I was headed out for an early morning run before heading off to work at dispatch. As I began my run I tried to focus my thoughts towards prayer, but as always my mind wandered off in other directions. Somewhere between contemplating life and praying I was struck clearly with this thought: the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. I have no idea where it came from, because I don't recall having been reading through Job in which verse 1:21 says,

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

All I know is that I couldn't ignore the thought in my mind. It was there definite, intense, and unshakeable. So I began to wonder, is the Lord trying to tell me something? What could he possibly take from my life? Thousands of possibilities ran through my mind--family, my last year of college, friends, finances? I had no clue. Maybe it wasn't about what the Lord might take from me though. . .

The story of Job has always been puzzling and fascinating to me. It is unique in that it allows us a glimpse into interactions between God and Satan. In addition, it shows Satan's influence and work on earth. The very first verse of the book introduces Job as a man who "was blameless and upright; [who] feared God and shunned evil." Job is also described as having "seven sons, three daughters, seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East." As the story goes, God leaves everything Job has to Satan's discretion. In one day Job's sons and daughters die, his servants are killed, his fields burn up, and his livestock are carried off by raiding parties. One day, all of his worldly possessions gone. However, this is how the blameless and upright man who feared God responded:

"Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.' In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." Job 1:20-22

In a moment of extreme loss and intense grief Job worshiped God. Pretty amazing, but it gets even crazier! God then leaves Job's personal health at Satan's discretion and so Satan afflicted Job with sores that covered his entire body. Job's wife told him to curse God and die, but Job replied:

 "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 1:10

Job's entire life was destroyed, miserable, empty. The people he loved, the things he had worked for, his own comfort, were taken in a moment, gone forever. He mourned tearing his robes and shaving his head, but he did not give into the bitterness. He refused to blame God for wrongdoing. Instead he chose to recognize God's sovereignty. 

Many times since last summer I have thought about Job's response and it never ceases to amaze me. When I line up the trials I'm experiencing to those around me, or to the story of Job,  they seem so small. I try to imagine how I would respond if I just lost one of those things, say a loved one. Would I fall down in worship? If I lost my health, say the use of my legs, would I recognize God's sovereignty? If I found myself living in a rundown house or out on the street, would I blame God for wrongdoing? Would I give into bitterness? Could I have the same attitude as Job?

Maybe that morning last summer wasn't about what God might take from me. Maybe it was about the position of my heart. Perhaps God was reminding me of His sovereignty, gently pointing out that I was still trying to direct or hold on to certain parts of my life. I think it was a small tugging on my heart to evaluate my life, to surrender, to truly, completely submit to God's sovereignty. Unfortunately, the last year has been painful as I slowly learn to surrender and accept God's will. Ironically, this verse hit me again this summer, just like last summer. Apparently, the Lord is prompting me to submit even more. I am challenged by Job to accept God's sovereignty in the midst of suffering, to worship the Lord whether I am experiencing good or trouble.

"The Lord does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths." Psalm 135:6

Who understands?

A couple years ago I was reading through Proverbs and came across Proverbs 14:10 which says:

"Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy."

Up to that point in my life I had not experienced the trials which cause true anguish to one's soul. The older I grow, the more I experience life's difficult and painful times. I have seen painful and seemingly unfair sorrows burden my friends. I myself have been pained. As I try to comfort those around me and others try to comfort me I am struck with the reality of this verse. No matter how much effort a person extends one can never truly understand the pain of another heart. I have tried. I can imagine, I can place myself in the other person's shoes, I can hurt for them, but I can never know their sorrow and bitterness. There is no one who understands. No one except our Heavenly Father.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord." Psalm 139: 1-4

God knows man better than he knows himself because God created man. God knows my thoughts and before I even speak He knows what I am going to say. He truly knows me, which means he fully understands my pain. He doesn't have to imagine or try to put Himself in my shoes. Who understands? God understands.

 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Ps.139:23

Understanding I Won't Understand

This summer I had plans for my life. I am always making plans for my life and trying to figure out how to achieve them. I find security in knowing what is ahead. I find motivation in working towards goals. I find comfort in having reasons for what I do. Sometimes my plans happen and sometimes they don't. This summer my plans didn't happen. I keep asking why? I don't understand. God heard me and he reminded me of this:

"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." Jeremiah 10:23

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

"A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?" Proverbs 20:24

My life is not my own, it is completely God's. He is the one who gives me every breath. No matter how hard I try, my plans will only happen if it God's will. The Lord's purpose will ultimately take place regardless of what I plan. I won't understand my steps, because God is directing them.

My life is a puzzle and I'm holding a puzzle piece that doesn't quite make sense, it doesn't match my other puzzle pieces. I can't figure out why I have it or where it belongs. . . but God, He is looking at the picture on the front of the box. He knows exactly where that puzzle piece goes and how it is the only piece that will fit perfectly into the puzzle. He sees how it connects to both the pieces that are already put together and the pieces still left in the box.  Its hard when all I see is a puzzle piece I don't understand. When I can't look at the picture on the front of the box. My only option is to trust the One who can see that picture. To trust the piece I'm holding is necessary to finishing that puzzle and it does fit in perfectly.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

A Memory Revived

When I was a little girl, my dad use to tuck my siblings and I into bed every night. Sometimes he would give us horse-y rides to the bedroom and sometimes if we talked real sweet he would read us a bed time story like the Little Gingerbread Man or sing us to sleep. However, one thing that never failed to happen before he kissed us goodnight was prayers. Some nights we would each pray and other nights we would say a prayer together, like the Lord's prayer. One passage of scripture that we prayed occasionally was Psalm 23.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and  your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will well in the house of the Lord forever. "

This was one of the first passages of Scripture I memorized and I could almost say it in my sleep. This summer, it has taken on a whole new meaning to me though. Never have I considered its words to be so comforting and precious. It speaks of who God is, what He does, who I am, and what my response should be. 

God is my shepherd, the one who watches over me, over all my life and needs. He guides me to green pastures and quiet waters--good things. He does these things, not just for me, but for His glory. God is looking out for my best interest, fulfilling my needs, and guiding me to good things. While this is true, it doesn't mean my life will be void of troubles. Even though I experience troubles--the valley of the shadow of death--I do not have to fear anything. God has made me lie down in green pastures, and lead me to quiet waters. I already see that He is good and trustworthy. Thus, I don't have to fear. God is with me, using His rod and staff. As a shepherd He uses His rod and staff to guide and protect me. I find comfort knowing that even though I walk through trouble, God is guiding and protecting me. If He is watching out for me I have nothing to fear, no evil.

I must admit I feel as if I have walked through a valley of the shadow of death or two in my life. When I'm there it is awful, it is painful, it is scary. Sometimes it seems like more than I can handle. I search for ways to forget, to alleviate my pain, to comfort myself. The world offers a variety of options like alcohol, drugs, violence, medications, relationships, cutting . . . The truth is though, none of those will take away the pain or bring the comfort they promise. They only make the valley floor deeper and the mountains steeper. What brings comfort and removes fear is God the shepherd, His rod and staff. He is there in every valley of the shadow of death I walk through, guiding me, protecting me. He is saying to me:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I can cast all of my cares on God (Psalm 55:22) because he is " [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, therefore [I] will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging" (Psalm 46:1-2).

No matter how dark or big the valley of the shadow of death may be God is with me. He is guiding me and protecting me as my shepherd. He desires to bring me to green pastures and still waters. So in my valley I won't turn to what the world has to offer, I will turn to God. He is right there, He hasn't left me. Oh, what a wonderful Shepherd I have!

God's path is not always the short path

This summer I have been reading through the beginning of the Old Testament and have been captivated by some of the stories. One story in particular which intrigued me was of the Israelites trek out of Egypt.

"When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led the people around by the dessert road toward the Red Sea. The Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle." Exodus 13:17-18

After reading this passage I was confused. If the Israelites went up out of Egypt armed for battle wouldn't they have been expecting a military confrontation? So why did God say if they face war they would change their minds and return to Egypt? Even the other path God led the people on had a military confrontation, Pharaoh changed his mind and pursued the Israelites with his entire army (Exodus 14:8-9). The people ended up wanting to return to Egypt anyways saying "It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert?" So why did God not just lead them on the shortest path?

As I pondered these questions I couldn't really come up with any solid answers, except God knew best. Perhaps the shorter route would have led them into a bigger army than Pharaoh's army? Perhaps "armed for battle" means an organized march, not ready for military confrontation with armor, bows, or arrows (Bible Knowledge Commentary)? Perhaps God knew that the story of the Red Sea would leave the Israelites no room for thinking they had any part in saving themselves from the Egyptians? Perhaps God knew his miraculous parting of the sea would glorify Him more than simply giving victory in a battle? Perhaps God knew the crossing of the Red Sea would be a monumental memory testifying to His power that would be passed down from generation to generation and recorded in Scripture? Perhaps God knew the long path through the Red Sea and desert held necessary lessons for the Israelites to learn? Perhaps God knew the long path would cause the Israelites to fully rely on Him for everything including their very food and water? Perhaps God knew the long path would display His glory and character? Perhaps God knew the trials in the desert would display His continued faithfulness? Perhaps God knew the long path would teach not only the Israelites, but future generations up to a young 22 year old woman in the year 2011? Perhaps God knew best?

I like the short paths in life. They make the most sense to me, I understand them, I know why I am taking them. I'm learning though that God's path is not always the shortest path. I'm learning perhaps God knows the short path has something I cannot handle on it. I may think I am armed for battle or prepared, but God knows I am not. Or maybe when I take the short path I struggle with thinking it is "me," and I begin to be self-reliant. Maybe the short path, does not bear the trials which God is going to use to teach me. Perhaps the short path does not bring as much glory to God as the long path? God knew best in taking the Israelites on the long path, and I trust the same is true for me. I can't question God when He turns me around from the short path to a longer one, I must trust He knows best.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

A God Who Sees

This summer has been far different than I ever imagined. It has been difficult in many ways. I have experienced heartache and pain deeper than any other I can recall in my life. The hurt was so strong I did not know how to handle it. How could I get release from this anguish? It was during this time I met another woman in affliction--Hagar.

Genesis 16 describes Hagar as the Egyptian maidservant of Sarai, Abram's wife. Now, Sarai was barren and "in the legal custom of that day a barren woman could giver her maid to her husband as a wife, and the child born of that union was regarded as the first wife's child" (Bible Knowledge Commentary). As a maidservant I don't assume Hagar had much say about her life, and according to the story, Sarai gave Hagar to Abram to be his wife thinking perhaps she could build a family through Hagar. Sarai's plan was successful for soon Hagar became pregnant. If Hagar had a son it would be regarded as Sarai's son and so Hagar began to despise Sarai. In turn, Sarai mistreated Hagar. Eventually, Hagar was so afflicted she fled into the desert.

I must admit, if I was Hagar I'd be upset too. She did not choose to marry Abram, to become pregnant, to possibly lose the baby growing inside of her to another woman, to be mistreated. It seemed a bit unfair! I see a bit of my own life in Hagar's story. I did not choose to experience the trials I am going through. Sometimes I feel as if it is unfair. I don't understand why I am being put through this. My affliction is heavy upon my soul and I want to release it, to flee.

The story continues with an angel of the Lord finding Hagar in the desert. He asked her where she had come from and where she was going and Hagar answered she was running from her mistress. Then the angel of the Lord told her to go back and submit to Sarai. He also said, "You are now with child and you will have a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery" (Genesis 16:11a). Hagar then replied, "You are the God who sees me . . .  I have now see the One who sees me" (Genesis 16:13).

God heard and saw Hagar's misery. He did not say her feelings were invalid. He met her and recognized her pain. The Lord desired so strongly for Hagar to know He realized her suffering that He told her to name her son Ishmael, meaning God hears. Her son's name would be a constant reminder. God also told Hagar to return to the situation which caused her affliction, but this time she knew God would be with her. Hagar was a woman in affliction, I am a woman in affliction, God saw Hagar, and God sees me. I may not understand my suffering, but I know I am not alone. It is such as comfort to know God sees my pain and hears my cries! I no longer wonder how to release my anguish I know what to do. I must take it to the God who sees.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18.