Like A Wave

They say your 20's is the most important decade of your life. In your 20's almost 80% of life defining moments happen. It's the decade people determine their career, relationships, and personality. What they say, well, it's true. If I could choose just one word to describe my life after college it would be: CHANGE.

I remember taking that first full-time job. I planned to work there for at least five years. I hoped to get married, settle down, have a family. My plan was efficient, direct, but life has turned out so differently than I ever imagined. Five years, six jobs, seven living situations, four churches, international living, my belongings boxed up, hellos, goodbyes . . . change, so much change. Job or housing applications make me cringe a little. I don't remember addresses from four years ago. My walls are blank. It is easier to just not put something up. Besides, I have become somewhat of a minimalist. The less I have, the easier it is to move. I stopped making plans years ago. I have become flexible and adaptable. My mantra has been, "If I'm here." Life has not been direct, it's been . . . well, messy. 

Every year since graduating I have had to make life defining decisions. I would never have considered myself "restless" or "adventurous." I do not feel as if I sought out change because I needed it or liked it. It just happened. Making these life defining decisions has never been easy for me. Right now, today, as I type, I am in the midst of making yet another life defining decision. There is more change coming and it's not easy. I have been anxious, fearful, frustrated, confused, and lost. In these moments, I am great at recognizing my lack of wisdom and asking God for it, but I am not so great at having faith. James 1:5-8, says we need to do both.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." 

Some days I am that wave, that double-minded man. Some days I doubt I will receive the wisdom I am asking for. Some days my anxiety trumps my trust. Some days my fears drown out my belief. This double-mindedness, this wavering, causes me to ride an emotional roller coaster. I become that wave tossed about by circumstances (wind). If circumstances don't seem to be in my favor I am filled with doubt and anxiety. If circumstances seem to be looking up I am filled with trust. It is a restless place to be in. It is tiring. There is no wisdom to be found going back and forth between trust and doubt. This is why James says the double-minded man receives nothing and is unstable in all his ways.

John MacArthur defines the faith James talks about as believing, confident prayer. As Christians, we sometimes pray without knowing what God's answer will be. However, when we pray for wisdom we know exactly what the answer will be! James say, wisdom will be given to he who asks because God gives generously to all without reproach. Of all the prayers to have belief and confidence in, it should be the prayer for wisdom! John MacAurthur says of the double-minded man: "They literally are unwilling to cash in the resources that God has provided in their spiritual account. And they receive nothing. And so they may go on and on and on in the misery of that trial. Never knowing the resolution immediately available to them through faithful persistent trusting prayer in God."

So tonight I sit here wondering, how do I have more faith when I am asking for wisdom? How do I avoid being that wave tossed about by my circumstances? How do I find peace, rest, and confidence in the midst of life defining decisions and change?!?  Philippians 4:6-8 says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." 

Paul, the writer of Philippians, says to pray with thanksgiving. James says to count it joy when we meet trials because the testing of our faith produces steadfastness and that steadfastness makes us perfect and complete. These life defining decisions I seem to continually face are opportunities to grow my faith and make me more like Christ. Ultimately, that is the goal in life, so I can be thankful for them. Secondly, in the midst of these life defining decisions I should be turning my thoughts to what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent . . . instead of the what-ifs, my past regrets, and the unknown future. I have the most peace when I remember God's sovereignty and his promises.

I don't want to be that wave. I don't want to be tossed about to and fro by circumstances. I want to cry out with believing, confident prayer (faith). I want to trust that this messy life in my eyes is a beautifully intricate design in God's sovereignty. I want to believe God will give me the wisdom I need to make yet another life defining decision.

Dear God, thank you for giving me an opportunity to grow in my faith. Thank you for the opportunities you have laid before me. You are my provider, you are good, and you are faithful. Most of all, you are with me. I ask for wisdom and thank you in advance for giving it to me! I trust you.

Valentine's Day and the Beach

It was Valentine's Day 2015. I had planned on spending some time with Him, just the two of us. So late in the afternoon, I grabbed my jacket and headed out for a walk. Like always I started talking . . . and talking . . . but at the top of the hill He interrupted me and what He said brought me to tears. Not the bad kind, but the good kind.

It had been almost seven months since I had returned home from Indonesia and over a year since I had made the decision to leave . . . the decision to break my two year contract. Back in June, with my position unfilled and my coworkers taking on extra loads, leaving was difficult to say the least. I remember walking along on the edge of the Indian Ocean heavy with guilt, but feeling like a couldn't change the decision I had made. As the waves washed over my feet, I felt the Lord confirming his love for me despite the mistake I may have made. That June evening should have been the end of it, but it wasn't. I spent the next seven months analyzing the motives that drove my decision. Seven months wondering if I should have stayed the full two years. Seven months torn apart by guilt, haunted by regret.

So there I was on Valentine's Day walking up that hill carrying over seven months of guilt and apologizing to God for the hundredth time when He interrupted me. How long will you live in this guilt? What is this regret doing for me? How can you move forward to what I have for you when you keep looking behind you? Think about Paul, if he had continued to live in the guilt of his life as Saul he could never have served me the way he did. Have I not forgiven you? Has not the price for your sin already been paid? Let this go. Look forward.

Tears. The good kind.

For over seven months I had been somehow trying to "pay" for what I felt was a mistake. It was like somehow if I just felt guilty enough I could make up for it. The problem was, my guilt didn't seem to ever become equivalent to my mistake. It didn't somehow undo what had been done. My regret grew, it became heavier, it became suffocating. All of this was self-imposed, not from the Lord.

The truth is, God forgives our sins the first time we ask. In 1 John, a book focused on God's love, it says "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." There is no other requirement than confession. It doesn't say IF you feel guilty enough or IF you are full of regret. No amount of guilt or regret can pay the price for our sin because the "the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23a). Only Jesus' death on the cross can pay for our mistakes (Hebrews 7:26-28). All we need to do is confess. Continuing to live in guilt actually rejects Jesus' death as if it is not enough.

Why am I writing about this over a year later? Because my decision to leave Indonesia is not the first decision or action I have questioned or felt regret over for an extended amount of time. No, I have quite a few and I don't often forget them. They haunt me. My mistakes are resurrected when I face a life decision. I have this fear I will repeat my past.

Last August I went to the beach. I was weighing a life decision and needed to get away. The decision making process was frustrating to me. My regrets and fears, were preventing me from moving forward in a decision. I wanted to do the right thing. I thought about Indonesia. I thought about Valentine's Day. I thought about Paul. Of all people, Paul, could have been paralyzed by his past and fear. Before becoming sold out for Jesus, he was persecuting Jesus. He could have lived in guilt over his mistakes for years. He could have been paralyzed by fear of what others would think, of his own well-being, or of leaving everything he had known. His past and his fears did not stop him though. Instead in Philippians 3:13-14 he said, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Paul could not have moved forward if he had lived in his past.

I decided on Valentine's Day to let go and look forward, but at the beach I made that same choice for all other regrets haunting me. I was encouraged by Paul, to forget what was behind and strain toward what is ahead. Maybe you are walking around weighed down with guilt apologizing to God for the hundredth time. Or perhaps you are paralyzed by your mistakes and fears. Has not God forgiven you?   Has not the price for your sin already been paid? Let go. Look forward.