Borobudur

Two weeks ago I had the opportunity to see the sunrise from the top of one of Indonesia's ancient temples, Borobudur. The 9th-century Mahayana Buddhist temple, located in Central Java, is Indonesia's most visited tourist attraction. As I wandered around Borobudur's walkways, I was amazed at the intricate wall carvings. I realized this temple had been a place of worship for an untold number of people. A place of pilgrimage and spiritual significance. Being a polytheistic religion, Buddhists worship numerous gods. Looking at the 500+ Buddha statues on Borobudur, I thought how difficult it must be to have so many gods. I found myself thankful I worship only one god . . . or do I?

Starving

My plate is full. I have hardly had a chance to breathe since starting the school year. I wake up, work, come home, and work some more. My life is school, more specifically math. Sometimes it seems as if every waking thought revolves around math. Even while brushing my teeth or doing the dishes I find my thoughts invaded by logarithms or trigonometry. . . . My plate is full, yet I'm starving.

I've been here before, this isn't new. This feeling of chaos, this unbalanced life. I have poured myself out so completely to something deemed important that other parts of my life have been neglected. I am exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually. 

How is it that I get to this point? I wake up one morning and I realize its been days, maybe even weeks since I stopped to sit and be still before the Lord. Rushed to make it to work my Bible remains on the  coffee table unopened. When I get home I eat dinner while planning a lesson and continue working until finally at 2 am my eyes give in to sleep. I'm giving, giving, giving to my job. At the end of the day I have nothing left. I'm worn. I'm tired.

I have these moments when it all just overwhelms me. When I am convinced there is nothing left inside of me to give. Not another hour, or another day. Work has taken and taken without replenishing. I'm seeking relief, a moment where I don't have to give. A moment where I can just be. An experience that will fill me back up, leaving me with some hope. My soul is yearning for rest.

Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" Matthew 11:28-29. Despite this promise, I find that when I am empty and worn I turn to everything but Jesus to be filled up. Maybe I turn on a movie, go talk with a friend, surf facebook, or throw myself into household chores. These momentarily distract me, but at the end of the day I am just as empty and worn. Isaiah 55:2 says, "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Why is it that I completely ignore what promises me the rest I am looking for? Perhaps its because inside I feel bad, or guilty that I haven't been spending time with God. Maybe its because I recognize that my priority and attention has shifted completely to my job? Then again, could it be that I feel it will be awkward because its been so long? Or that we have so much to catch up on it will take an entire day (which I don't have) to get it all out? Whatever the case, its not good enough. There is no excuse that should win out.

My mentor once told me, spending time with God is like eating. If you miss a meal, you don't skip the next, you go eat. I think this analogy can be taken even further. Initially, as the body is denied food only inward discomfort is experienced, but overtime the lack of nutrition is portrayed outwardly. Those neglecting to eat for long periods of time will bruise easily, grow fine hair all over the body, and develop brittle hair and nails. Finally, they will experience organ failure resulting in death. Right now I'm starving and its showing. Slowly I find myself becoming worried, impatient, irritable, negative, and stressed. I need to eat. James 4:7-10 says

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up." 

Jesus is beckoning me to come and rest. I have nothing to offer. I am so empty and so worn. I come weary, I come repentant, I come humble. I cannot continue on my own strength. I am wasting away as I pour out without return. It is effecting more than I would like to admit. I must eat.

I don't think I am alone. I don't think I'm the only one out there who is starving. It doesn't matter how long it's been, come and eat. Don't skip another meal. Let Jesus give you rest, real rest. Nothing else will fill you back up. Not friends, not families, not hobbies. "Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Please continue to pray for me that I would seek rest in the Lord and lean on him for strength.

Home

Two months ago I stepped foot in Indonesia for the first time. The first few weeks upon arrival were all about getting settled. After much delay, I am finally posting some pictures of my living accommodations!  Unfortunately, I have discovered that one doesn't magically become a different person when they move half way across the world. Thus, my apartment is just as much undecorated as my apartments in America. Maybe someday when I have the time I will decorate...

I live in a two bedroom apartment on the 37th floor, but yet not the 37th floor...there are no floors containing the number 4 in the building. Yep, that's right, no 4th floor, 14th floor, 24th floor, or 34th floor. Even better, when I decide to visit friends on the 50th floor it's only 3 floors up! Apparently in Chinese the word for the number four also sounds like the word for death. So really due to superstition, I guess you could say I live on 33rd floor. 

I love the view I have from my living room windows. At night I see the city below, alive. The traffic crawling through the darkness, the lights twinkling on the horizon, its beautiful. Sometimes I just find myself staring out my window. 

My cozy living room

My telephone that I have never used.

My table has a glass top to show case something but I don't know what to put inside of it...?

I am very thankful that I have an indoor kitchen here. There are teachers at other campuses who are not so fortunate. Yes my cabinets are sagging from the ceiling and my blue propane tank is unsightly, but at least I get to stay inside to cook! The kitchen does not have any hot water so doing my dishes is a bit different than in America. I fill up a tub with hot water from the bathroom and just rinse with cold.

The knob broke off my oven so they replaced it with a white one. Oh I love Indonesia.

My dishwasher :)

Behind my kitchen is the "helper" room. This room is a living space for those that keep live-in helpers. I cannot imagine someone living in such a small space! Helpers cost about $100 a month. I could split a helper with some other teachers that live in my building but I just haven't gotten around to determining whether I want to or not. I use my helper room as my laundry room. Here in Indonesia there are no dryers, instead of I have a huge drying rack that takes up almost the entire room. 

My washer sings a little song when its done

Soft lighting in the bedroom, love it.

Same ol' yellow toilet seat

New towel rack!

New shelving and storage since there are no cupboards!

Water heater below the sink, no long hot showers :)

My Counselors

 

Traffic here is CRAZY! I can’t really say its “bad,” just different from the United States. In Indonesia there are very few rules when it comes to driving: 1) drive on the correct side of the road  2) don’t hit anyone. The lanes painted on the road mean nothing. The road signs mean nothing. The horn on your motor bike or car...now that means something. People honk, not out of anger, but to make others aware of their presence or position on the road. There is so much honking, that I am serenaded to sleep nightly by the traffic 30+ stories below.

This morning I read portion of Psalm 119 and was both humbled and challenged. Psalm 119 is a passage entirely devoted to discussing the word of God. There are 22 stanzas, one for each letter of the Hebrew alphabet, and 8 verses in each stanza. Out of the 176 verses, only two do not refer in some way to God's word (biblestudytools.com). As I was reading, this verse stuck out to me: “Your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors.” It made me question, what are my counselors? What is guiding me? 

I’ll just be honest. It’s my feelings. These could be feelings of hope, disappointment, inadequacy, pride, confidence, fear, self-pity, happiness, contentment . . . .So often my feelings lead my thoughts and then my actions. My feelings end up dictating how I view life and how I view myself. Often I will find myself in a state of anxiousness or uneasiness because my feelings change within the day, sometimes within the hour. With my feelings guiding me, I frequently end up somewhere I didn't want to go. 

My feelings should not be my counselors, God's statutes (Bible) should be guiding my thoughts and my actions. Unlike my feelings, God's word does not change. It will not lead me astray.

"All your words are true; all your righteous laws are eternal." Psalm 119:160

Just like the road signs here in Indonesia, God's statutes are present. They exist for a purpose to protect and guide my life. Too often, I ignore them. Not always intentionally, but I look to my own thoughts first. I choose to believe that what I am feeling is true. When I do, I miss out on the peace and delight received from basing my life in something unchangeable and true. What will I allow to counsel me? What will I look to for guidance?

"Your statues are my delight; they are my counselors." Psalm 119:24

Back to School

5:00 am is early. I have yet to decide if coffee will be a part of my morning routine. For one, I have no coffee pot or french press. Two, I have yet to find a decent creamer, which is a MUST considering I like coffee with my creamer. Three, even my apartment is hot in the morning and coffee should warm you up, not cause you to sweat. Perhaps I will finally meet my goal of liking green tea...

Up at 5:00 am and out the door by 6:00 am -- that was my routine this last week. There are many options for how I could go to school. I could walk, bike, or take an ojek (motorcycle taxi). If I decide to walk, it takes me about 20 minutes. The walk is beautiful, especially if the sky is fairly clear and you can see the sunrise. The downside to walking is that one arrives to school a bit sticky.

My first few days of school were interesting with many surprises: students calling me by my first name (its going to take some adjusting to), students still working after the bell rang, and students thanking me after class. Despite the many differences of teaching here in Indonesia, there is still some things that remain the same: students ranging from jocks to nerds, boy students crushing on me, girl students asking how I do my hair, and many students full of insecurities. I'm praying this week is the beginning of a year full of God's work in the lives of all those students who sit in my desks.

Here is what a typical day looks like for me:

Entrance to the school with security guards

Junior School

Senior School

Basketball courts I supervise at lunch

Outdoor hallways

Cool stairs!

The hallway my classroom is located in 

My classroom

Miss Karissa

Tomorrow is the beginning of my third year of teaching. In addition, it is my third 'first year' of teaching. Three years, three schools, three different levels. So far in my teaching career I have found the first days of school to be stressful and overwhelming, however this year seems particularly more challenging that the rest.

It's different. Everything. Student names, curriculum, student demographics, school size, level of math, transportation to school, the lunch food...everything. I don't even have the same name. I will be addressed by my first name, Miss Karissa. It's beyond stressful, beyond overwhelming. When people ask how I'm doing I find myself speechless. Literally my brain is going so fast that nothing comes out of my mouth. How do I begin to describe what's going on inside of me?

Never ever in my life have I felt so utterly incapable for a task. I feel inadequate. Who am I to teach calculus to students at one of the top private schools in Indonesia? I haven't taught calculus before, I was lucky to have made it through the course in college. I open my textbook and my heartbeat races. My brain hurts after looking at the tests. On top of this I'm still trying to wrap my head around the grading and assessment system. I feel lost, scared, and helpless.

This is how I feel, but here is what I know.

". . . for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

"'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 2 Peter 1:5-7

God is at work in SPH International and has allowed me to be a part of that work. I must trust that He will see me through the school year. I come before Him asking (more like begging) for the whatever it is that I need as a teacher to represent Him best. Would you join with me? Would you ask that for the sake of God's kingdom and work at SPH International I would . . .

   - Have the knowledge and understanding to teach my math classes (especially calculus)
   - Manage my time well to effectively meet requirements
   - Be faithful in prayer for my students
   - Have the courage to build relationships with students as the Holy Spirit leads
   - Work with all my heart for the Lord (Colossians 3:23)

As James says, "the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." Please remember me in your prayers as I start school this week.

Rain

It's holiday here. Yes, isn't that a fantastic word, "holiday"? I think I shall forever discard the use of "break" or "vacation"! Unlike many expatriates on holiday, I spent the day settling into my apartment. Of course this means I was still scrubbing, but this time with no accidents. I was in the kitchen cleaning my cabinets when I heard the all familiar patter of rain.

It's the dry season here, so it doesn't rain much and when it does rain, it doesn't last for long. Today I stood mesmerized for that short period of time at the window watching. Just watching the rain drip down the window and off the ledge outside. The rain brought with it a transformation. A sky white from a haze of smog cleared to reveal a city stretched across the horizon. This simple transformation seemed to demonstrate an idea addressed yesterday at church and in my devotions this morning.

"Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong." Ecclesiastes 5:1

How do I come before God? What is the condition of my heart and mind? What are my actions when I come? In the Old Testament the Lord required that a perfect lamb without blemish be brought for sacrifice (Deuteronomy 17:1). When I come before the Lord, should I not bring Him the BEST sacrifice I have to offer? Of course I am not bringing a lamb, as Jesus Christ has paid my debt, but I am bringing my heart and my mind. Psalm 51:17 says, "the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise." Is my heart broken and contrite? Or do I come before God with unconfessed sin?

If I'm honest, there are a lot of times I come before God in a rush. Life has caused me to be frazzled or distracted so when I pray confession seems to get tossed out, along with praise, in order that my "requests" make it in. Why is that? It seems as if somehow I have forgotten who God is and who I am. "If [I] claim to be without sin, [I] deceive [myself] and the truth is not in [me]" (1 John 1:8). He is a holy God and has called me to obedience. Do I think that He can't see my unconfessed sin or doesn't care about it? Might I believe unconfessed sin won't effect my relationship with Him?

Unconfessed sin is like the smoggy horizon before the rain. I can't see clearly. My relationship with the Lord just isn't the same. Confessing my sin brings a transformation, like the rain. When I have humbled myself and been honest with God I experience His grace in a much fuller way making my joy complete.

I want to guard my steps when I come to God. Perhaps think a little bit more about just who I am coming before and what He requires. I want to come broken, contrite, humble. Ready to listen, not to talk. I don't want to be enveloped in smog, I want the rain, the rain that will let me see and know Him.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9