Beautifully Flawed: Working Out Flaws

I'm a perfectionist.

I use to say that with a bit a pride. It meant I was detail oriented and a high achiever. Good right?

Sometimes. Maybe.

I've come to learn my perfectionism extends beyond results and achievements. It effects the way I think, feel, and act. Never has that been more apparent then in the last six months of my life.

Everyday my perfectionism comes out in my teaching. On the surface level it means a document must be in the same font with the same indents or an answer key must be neat without mistakes. Deeper down, it means I fight the feeling of failure and not measuring up.

This school year has been a struggle. I want to be the perfect teacher. I want to know my content inside and out. I want to reach every student's needs. I want to connect with the students outside of the math content and build relationships. I want to have no mistakes on my exams or worksheets. I want to have meaningful activities for my students. I want my students to like me. I want to teach in a way that my students are engaged, excited to learn. I want parents and coworkers to think I'm knowledgable. I want to know the answer to every question, especially the questions I assign for homework. I want to help students be the best they can be. I want to be the perfect teacher.

I can't. I never will be.

Oh, I have tried. I have tried really hard. Yet, I can't reach my expectations, my goal. I have felt like a failure at the end of almost every day. The standards of my administration or fellow co-workers don't seem to matter, I didn't reach my standards. This has left me stressed, insecure, even discouraged.

I'm a perfectionists.

No longer is there any pride in this statement for me, rather there is weight. The weight of my expectations and the fear of failure that accompanies them. My perfectionism is more of a hindrance than a help. Not a strength, but a weakness. I remember back in college when I received my first B I thought to myself, I have officially conquered my perfectionism! That was only the beginning. Here in Indonesia I have felt the Lord working on this flaw and its painful.

Often we think after overcoming a struggle or a trial at one point in our life we can check it off the list. We've learned our lesson, right? Not always. In my life, God seems to come back time and time again to work out my flaws, those struggles that are at the root of who I am. It's a process.

Here in Indonesia, there is a process of decorating textiles through printing in wax known as "batik." To begin, a design is drawn onto the cloth. Next, wax is applied to the cloth following the design by either using a cooper stamp or a wax pen. The cloth is then dyed coloring the whole cloth except for the waxed areas. The cloth is then waxed again to hold the color of the first dye to some additional portions of the cloth. A second dye is then completed dying all but the waxed areas of the cloth. The wax is then removed with hot water, scraping, and sponging. Depending on the design, this process of waxing, dying, and removing wax is repeated multiple times.

This is how God works on us. He has a design a plan of what he wants us to be. We are "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24). God wants to work out our flaws, he wants to make us like Christ. To work out our flaws we may have to be waxed, dyed, and scraped many times. At various stages we may not even resemble the final product. In the middle of the wax being scraped off it may be painful or time consuming. However, we have a promise from God that he will complete what he has started. Philippians 1:6 says, "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." We are his workmanship.

So maybe I learned how to let go of homework in college, but the Lord is again at work on my perfectionism. Gently he has reminded me how he longs to set me free of this. In 2nd Corinthians, the apostle Paul talks about a weakness, a thorn in his flesh. When he prays to the Lord to take it away God responds saying, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul then comes to this conclusion, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I am not the perfect teacher. I can't always meet my own standards or other's standards. I am weak. However, I feel as if the Lord is saying, "Karissa, my grace is sufficient for you." My value is not in my performance as a teacher, it is in Christ. Being a perfectionist it is not hard for me to see my weakness, but the question is will I allow Christ to be my strength? Will I allow his power to fill the gaps I have, will I allow his grace to be all that I need? Can I exchange my own expectations, the performance I place my value on, for Christ's glory? I want to say yes. I want to delight in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties so that he is glorified. I want it to be about him and not about me.