No Place Like Home

I have these days, like today, where an irrepressible longing for home rises up in my soul. A longing to watch the last rays of sunshine dance across a clear sky before hiding behind the mountains. Or to walk the streets of my little town, tucked between fields of golden wheat. A longing to drive up to my parent's house wrapped in fog, windows glowing in the dark. To open the front door and be met with the scent of brownies wafting from the oven. A longing to feel arms wrapped lovingly, protectively around me. I have these days where this longing for home commands complete residency of my heart and mind. A thought about any other subject simply cannot reside. There is no section, no corner of my heart left, for other feelings to occupy. It is painfully full, threatening to burst without cure.

If only I were Dorothy so I might click my sparkly red heels and whisper, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." It's not that Indonesia is bad, in fact it is good in many ways, but its just not home. I am a foreigner, or as Indonesians say, a "bule." Try as I might, I do not fit in. Darn freckles and white skin. Indonesia holds parts of home with fellow college graduates, dear friends, and of course Jif peanut butter, but still it isn't home. I am not home, in fact, none of us are.

As children of God, this earth and all it holds, is not our home. Paul tells us that our citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20).  Through Christ's death we are "no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household . . . with Christ Jesus as the chief cornerstone" (Ephesians 2:19-20). We don't belong down here on earth. We won't fit in, we shouldn't fit in. Our lives should be so entirely different the world recognizes immediately we are foreigners. We are "aliens and strangers in the world" (1 Peter 2:11) set-apart for Christ. Earth may hold glimpses of heaven, but let us "not love the world or anything in the world . . . for the world and its desires [will] pass away" (1 John 2:15,17). May we wait in eager expectation, even groaning inwardly like creation, for the world to pass away. Our hearts, our minds, completely focused on that day. The day of "our adoption of sons, the redemption of our bodies" (Romans 8:23). The day we meet our Saviour. The day when we shall finally go home.

"But, our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." Philippians 3:20-21

I can't wait. Can you?

Transformation

Lately, I seem to be on a roll of doing abnormal things. Yesterday, it was cooking a pumpkin. Back in November, I purchased two pumpkins (yes, they have pumpkins in Indo) in an attempt to make life feel "Fall-ish." When December came I put them on top of the fridge and quite forgot about them until this last week when I discovered one was rotting (gross). Thus, yesterday I mustered up the courage to cook the second one.

Cooking this pumpkin was no walk in the park. First, I had to chop off the stem. It sounded easy enough, but I soon found myself hacking at it wishing I had a saw or something of the sort. After successfully removing the stem and cutting the pumpkin in half without losing any fingers, I had to scrape out all of the seeds.

I then sliced the pumpkin into smaller chunks and baked in the oven until the skin easily peeled away. 

The pumpkin "flesh" was then put into the blender and I started the battle of turning it into puree. Blenders and I don't seem to get along. I'm forever and always stopping to mix it with a spoon or add more liquid. At some point I thought maybe I should have mashed the pumpkin by hand, but eventually I had pumpkin puree. 

Of course, I then used to make pumpkin bread.

Now, don't worry, my blog is not morphing into a baking blog. I just wanted to share a thought I had while baking this pumpkin. You may think its silly or over "spiritualizing" a daily task, but I have to share. It speaks for what God has done in my life. Here it goes . . . 

There I was desperately trying to chop the pumpkin into pieces half laughing at myself, half muttering frustrations. At one point I thought "this is hurting me worse than the pumpkin!" Right then the thought hit me that this situation reflected God's work in our lives. Lamentations 3:33 says, "For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." God's heart breaks over judgement. Just like chopping up the pumpkin was hurting more than the pumpkin, we are not the only one touched by discipline or judgement. Yet, "God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness (Hebrews 12:10)." The Lord disciplines those he loves, whom he calls his sons. Discipline is what trains us, it is what produces a harvest of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). Chopping up the pumpkin was a necessary step to get pumpkin bread, just as discipline is a necessary part in our spiritual transformations. 

I have been thinking a lot about the transformations that have taken place in my life as I have read about Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Places. I remember being a teenager who functioned in fear. Like Much-Afraid, I lived among the family of the Fearings. I feared leaving home, growing up, starting life after college unmarried, finding a job, living alone, living overseas . . . I had so many fears. Today, with God, I have lived out almost every single one of those fears. Guess what? It hasn't been easy, but I'm okay. No, more than okay, I'm full of joy. God transformed my heart full of fear into a heart full of peace. All by myself, I never could have changed my fearful heart, neither could the pumpkin cook itself. This is just ONE of the many ways I have been transformed through God's power. 

Before I started chopping up the pumpkin I knew exactly what I was going to make it into: pumpkin bread. In the same way, God knows exactly what he is going to transform us into. He chops us up, scrapes out our seeds, removes our skins, adds to us, and turns our best parts into something wonderful. There is an enormous difference between the pumpkin and the pumpkin bread, yet its essence is still the same. I will always be the same person, but God's transformations have changed me drastically for the better. 

When we find ourselves in discipline may we remember that it is a part of the transformation process. May we trust in the God who's heart breaks over judgement, knowing that he is purposeful with an end in mind. May we allow ourselves to be transformed.

                                                      

Between the Valley and the High Places

The other night I did something abnormal. I read a book. Yep, I am having extra time these days! I've been reading through a book my best friend gave me called Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. The book is an allegory and so far it seems to reflect much of my life.  It is "the story of how Much-Afraid escaped from her Fearing relatives and went with the Shepherd to the High Places where 'perfect love casteth out fear.'"

Much-Afraid is first introduced as a servant of the Chief Shepherd despite her crippled feet and crooked mouth. While she loved serving and pleasing the Shepherd she continually felt ashamed by her disfigurements. One day, her relatives came to her demanding that she marry her cousin Craven Fear. Distraught, Much-Afraid immediately went to the Shepherd for advice telling him how much she longed to escape the Valley and go to the High Places away from the Fearings. The Shepherd replied that he had long waited for Much-Afraid to voice this desire and he wanted to take her there. Much-Afraid in disbelief doubted her crippled feet could make the climb, but the Shepherd told her otherwise. If Much-Afraid went with him, he would help her develop hinds' feet and heal her disfigurements. To do this though, she would have to be willing to be completely changed. This would mean taking on a new name and allow love to be planted in her heart. Much-Afraid agreed and so they started their journey to the High Places.

A short distance into their journey they came to a steep path at the foot of the mountains. The Shepherd turned Much-Afraid over to two guides: Sorrow and her twin-sister Suffering. At first, Much-Afraid was uncomfortable with her guides, but gradually she learned to put her hands in theirs accepting their assistance.

One day the path turned a corner revealing a dessert below. Much-Afraid stopped refusing to following Sorrow and Suffering any further. Distressed she called for the Shepherd, who appeared. Despairingly, she cried out, "I can't understand this. The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself." The Shepherd replied it was not a contradiction but rather a postponement for the best to become possible. Still in disbelief, Much-Afraid sobbed as she realized this was an indefinite postponement. It could "be months, even years, before that path [lead] back to the mountains again." Yet, the Shepherd asked her to trust.

Much-Afraid trusted, following Sorrow and Suffering through the dessert to the shores of the great sea of Loneliness. Initially, Much-Afraid only noticed the lack of life and dreary grey sea, but with time she found beauty in the small things. The way the sun broke through the clouds transforming grey landscape into greens and blues or the moanful cries of the sea gulls above. A new joy rose in her heart causing her to laugh again despite the loneliness.

Yet, she wasn't completely alone, for her relatives had caught up with her. Resentment, Bitterness, Pride, and Self-Pity confronted Much-Afraid with assaults in hopes she would give up her journey and return to the Valley. Worn out, Much-Afraid called out for the Shepherd who rescued her. She asked the Shepherd why she couldn't escape from her relatives horrible suggestions. He answered, "When you wear the weed of impatience in your heart instead of the flower Acceptance-with-Joy, you will always find your enemies get an advantage over you."

I can relate to Much-Afraid's journey along the path of indefinite postponement through the dessert and along the shores of the great sea. It was hard to go down that path with Sorrow and Suffering, away from the High Places, away from the blessings I thought God might have in store for me. Like Much-Afraid the trials changed me and taught me many lessons. Yet, as a new joy began to creep into my heart I found with it came impatience. With this weed of impatience came the assaults of resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity. I've walked this indefinite path long enough. I deserve redemption for everything I've gone through. These enemies have surely got the best of me at times.

One of my favorite books of the Bible, James, says, "Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4).  James goes on to say, "blessed is the man who perseveres." This perseverance or endurance is a hopeful patience. Job, a man who knew suffering like no one else, is commended by James for his perseverance. James says, "You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful."

What a great reminder. God is purposeful, compassionate, and merciful. Resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity would have us think that somehow God does not have our best in mind. Surely, he cannot know what is best for us. The assaults of these enemies, strip us of our trust in the Shepherd. I think in the dessert of our trials, when we are so weak we cannot stand, we have to be utterly dependent upon the Lord, completely trusting. There comes a day though, as we walk along the shores of the great sea that the sun comes out and we find ourselves stronger than before, limping less and less. This moment is where our trust is perhaps the most fragile. This is where resentment, bitterness, pride, and self-pity attack.

I want to have the response of Much-Afraid at these critical moments. To lift my face to the sky and cry out with all the breath that is in me for my Shepherd to come to my deliverance. When I realize the weed of impatience has grown up I want to put my hand in the Shepherd's and say sorrowfully,

"You are quite right. I have been thinking that you are allowing me to follow this path too long and that you were forgetting your promise. . . . But I do tell you now with all my heart that you are my Shepherd whose voice I love to hear and obey, and that it is my joy to follow you. You choose, my Lord, and I will obey." 

Riding on Top

It's Friday afternoon. The sun is almost cutting through the Jakarta haze and my step is light. I'm riding on top. No longer crushed under a pile of a million and one things, but rather sitting on top of pile of a million and one things. I don't know when it happened, but there came a day when I realized I was "making it" here in Jakarta.

Maybe it was the magical 6 month mark of living in a foreign country, or perhaps knowing how to get a taxi and buy groceries coming back from Christmas holiday. It could have been the day I ceased to feel that lingering sense of doubt when teaching my math classes. All of these are possibilities, but I think its because I'm further on this journey of letting go.

Contrary to my perfectionism, I'm not always 100% planned for class, my apartment sometimes goes more than a week without a mopping, I quit doing the homework I assign my students, and I now feel "ok" saying "I don't know" to a question a student asks. I even go out to take a picture of a man riding on top of garbage sacks on a Friday afternoon.

Why am I blogging about this? I want to praise God. I want to acknowledge his work in my life. I could be trapped in the label, the box, "perfectionist." After all, it is my natural tendency not something I chose, but I'm not! I want to thank God for not leaving me stuck there, but graciously helping me learn I can live outside the label. God is bigger than my characteristics.

I am also blogging about this because I want YOU to praise God! Many of you have been faithfully praying for me as I teach here in Indonesia. Well, God is answering your prayers. I am understanding more of the content and actually sleeping. On my best days, I even feel a little bit confident as a teacher :) So, thank YOU for praying and praise GOD for answering! With his grace being enough and his strength in my weaknesses, I'm riding on top.

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4

New Year, New Me

It's been two weeks, how are you doing on those New Year's resolutions? Do you find yourself losing determination? Lacking the motivation to carry out what you felt so strongly about just fourteen days ago? Or perhaps you are doing AWESOME because you didn't even make resolutions!

Lots of people choose not to make New Year's resolutions, they don't believe in them. Resolutions are seen as a waste of time and effort because the majority of them fail. Supposedly, a mere 8% of people successfully achieve their resolution (1). So then, if you can't keep it, why make it, right? Some are even suggesting that New Year's resolutions are bad for you because they damage your self-worth:

"If your New Year’s resolution is to eat less, but you have no plan in place — or even if you do have a plan and you fail — you will do damage to your sense of self-worth. If you already have a complicated relationship with food, your likely coping mechanism for failure is eating more food. Thus the New Year’s resolution to eat less can actually result in your eating more. " Jessica Lamb-Shapiro

It is true, nothing magical happens from December 31 to January 1, you are still the same person and because of this many people struggle. New Year's resolutions often fail because the changes desired are too abrupt, or too large (2). You start off the new year strong but as time passes your resolve weakens and soon you've failed. Due to this you may think you are weak, lacking in self-control. Next time, if you just try harder, if you just have more will power then you won't fail. After all, "where there's a will there's a way"...or is there?

In her book, Idols of the Heart Learning to Long for God Alone, Elyse Fitzpatrick addresses the topic of our wills and why our actions fail to meet our words.

"The difference between what we say and what we do is not because of our wills per se. Our wills are functioning the way they were meant to. The contradiction is between our words and our strongest desires. Our wills follow after the erroneous thoughts and sinful desires we delight in."

Our will is not broken. Quite the opposite is true, it is working in top notch condition choosing our strongest thoughts and desires. In fact, our will reveals what we believe will bring us the most happiness. It shows us what is going on in our mind (thoughts and beliefs) and in our heart (longings and desires).

"As you see, the problem is not that we need to develop more willpower. The problem is that we need new thoughts, new inclinations, and new desires. We don't need to learn how to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps or "gut it out." We need to seek to replace our sinful passions with holy ones. When God grants these new holy passions to us, we'll find that our will, which seemed so weak before, will joyfully comply." Elyse Fitzpatrick

Trying harder is not the solution to achieving your New Year's resolutions. It's not about fixing your will; its about fixing your beliefs, your affections, your mind. When your thinking changes your choices will change. This is what Paul discusses in Romans. He said, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" (Romans 8:5). He goes on to say, "Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is" (Romans 12:2). Living out the Spirit's desires, God's will, requires that the mind is renewed.

So how do we go about renewing our mind and changing our desires? I mean, it seems impossible that I could stop desiring chocolate. Well, Psalm 1 says a man does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers, because he delights in the law of the Lord and he meditates on it day and night. Psalm 119:11 says "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." It seems that what we fill our mind with will shape what we believe and desire. This is why we are encouraged to "take captive every thought" (2 Corinthians 10:5) and replace it with what is true, nobel, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). It is truth that will set us free (John 8:32), renewing our mind and desires, to change our behavior.

Personally, I like New Year's resolutions. I think we are naturally wired for beginnings. There is a beginning every day with a sunrise, a beginning in all of the Mondays we dread, and after winter a thousand beginnings as the earth awakens. As Christians, we had a new beginning in Christ, the old life was gone and the new had come (2 Corinthians 5:17). Some day we will even have a new heaven and a new earth (Isaiah 65:17). Beginnings bring hope, thus its good for us to begin again each year with resolutions. After all, "if you aim at nothing you are sure to hit it."

With the first couple weeks of the year behind us, its only going to get more difficult to keep our resolutions. The majority of us will probably experience failure to some extent, but before we think, "If I just try harder..." or blame our will power, lets ask ourselves what we are thinking. What have we been filling our mind with lately?

Resources:
1. http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/
2. http://www.healthline.com/health-news/fitness-why-most-new-years-resolutions-fail-010214
3. Idols of the Heart Learning to Long for God Alone, Elyse Fitzpatrick
4. http://www.desiringgod.org/sermons/the-renewed-mind-and-how-to-have-it
5. http://www.khouse.org/articles/1996/277/
6. http://www.khouse.org/articles/1996/278/



 

I'll Be Home for Christmas!

I'll be home for Christmas

You can count on me

 Please have snow and mistletoe

And presents on the tree

This year I am receiving the best Christmas gift (other than Jesus) that I have ever received, a plane ticket home!! My holiday vacation is not very long, less than two weeks, but it will be well worth it. I fly out on Saturday and would appreciate your prayers as I have a lower back injury that is aggravated by prolonged sitting. Also, this will be my first time flying solo internationally :) 

It's been five months since I first arrived in Indonesia and I definitely haven't been able to spend as much time as what I had planned taking photos. However, I thought this would be a good opportunity to just share a little bit of what I've experienced and seen. 

Sunrise at Borobudur Temple, Jogja, Indonesia

Borobudur Temple

Worker in a silver factory

Lunch on the street

Everything, everything, is Hello Kitty, even in the taxis

Window looking out from the Old City Hall in Batavia

Sunset at Pramadan Temple, Jogja, Indonesia

Nasi Goreng, the most popular dish of Indonesia. This meal was under a dollar.

Tatoo artist at night market, Jogja, Indonesia

Dishes on the street

Street vendor

Transportation

Woman grating coconut in a courtyard

Blind man in the market

Typical squatting position

Sunset at Pramadan Temple, Jogja, Indonesia

Working Out Flaws

I'm a perfectionist.

I use to say that with a bit a pride. It meant I was detail oriented and a high achiever. Good right?

Sometimes. Maybe.

I've come to learn my perfectionism extends beyond results and achievements. It effects the way I think, feel, and act. Never has that been more apparent then in the last six months of my life.

Everyday my perfectionism comes out in my teaching. On the surface level it means a document must  be in the same font with the same indents or an answer key must be neat without mistakes. Deeper down, it means I fight the feeling of failure and not measuring up.

This school year has been a struggle. I want to be the perfect teacher. I want to know my content inside and out. I want to reach every student's needs. I want to connect with the students outside of the math content and build relationships. I want to have no mistakes on my exams or worksheets. I want to have meaningful activities for my students. I want my students to like me. I want to teach in a way that my students are engaged, excited to learn. I want parents and coworkers to think I'm knowledgable. I want to know the answer to every question, especially the questions I assign for homework. I want to help students be the best they can be. I want to be the perfect teacher.

I can't. I never will be.

Oh, I have tried. I have tried really hard. Yet, I can't reach my expectations, my goal. I have felt like a failure at the end of almost every day. The standards of my administration or fellow co-workers don't seem to matter, I didn't reach my standards. This has left me stressed, insecure, even discouraged.

I'm a perfectionists.

No longer is there any pride in this statement for me, rather there is weight. The weight of my expectations and the fear of failure that accompanies them. My perfectionism is more of a hindrance than a help. Not a strength, but a weakness. I remember back in college when I received my first B I thought to myself, I have officially conquered my perfectionism! That was only the beginning. Here in Indonesia I have felt the Lord working on this flaw and its painful.

Often we think after overcoming a struggle or a trial at one point in our life we can check it off the list. We've learned our lesson, right? Not always. In my life, God seems to come back time and time again to work out my flaws, those struggles that are at the root of who I am. It's a process.

Here in Indonesia, there is a process of decorating textiles through printing in wax known as "batik." To begin, a design is drawn onto the cloth. Next, wax is applied to the cloth following the design by either using a cooper stamp or a wax pen. The cloth is then dyed coloring the whole cloth except for the waxed areas. The cloth is then waxed again to hold the color of the first dye to some additional portions of the cloth. A second dye is then completed dying all but the waxed areas of the cloth. The wax is then removed with hot water, scraping, and sponging. Depending on the design, this process of waxing, dying, and removing wax is repeated multiple times.

This is how God works on us. He has a design a plan of what he wants us to be. We are "created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:24). God wants to work out our flaws, he wants to make us like Christ. To work out our flaws we may have to be waxed, dyed, and scraped many times. At various stages we may not even resemble the final product. In the middle of the wax being scraped off it may be painful or time consuming. However, we have a promise from God that he will complete what he has started. Philippians 1:6 says, "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." We are his workmanship.

So maybe I learned how to let go of homework in college, but the Lord is again at work on my perfectionism. Gently he has reminded me how he longs to set me free of this. In 2nd Corinthians, the apostle Paul talks about a weakness, a thorn in his flesh. When he prays to the Lord to take it away God responds saying, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul then comes to this conclusion, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

I am not the perfect teacher. I can't always meet my own standards or other's standards. I am weak. However, I feel as if the Lord is saying, "Karissa, my grace is sufficient for you." My value is not in my performance as a teacher, it is in Christ. Being a perfectionist it is not hard for me to see my weakness, but the question is will I allow Christ to be my strength? Will I allow his power to fill the gaps I have, will I allow his grace to be all that I need? Can I exchange my own expectations, the performance I place my value on, for Christ's glory? I want to say yes. I want to delight in my weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties so that he is glorified. I want it to be about him and not about me.

Working conditions.

Design stage.

Wax

Copper stamps.

Dye 

Working conditions.

Finished product

Finished product.